Not the Way I Wanted

Endings. Everyone loves a great ending. The kind that grips you at the heart and will not let go until you squeeze out a couple of tears of heartbreak as you see your favorite character die in the arms of someone they loved. Or the endings that allows the audience to witness the end of tyranny of an evil antagonist. Whatever the ending may be, watching something draw to a close can sometimes be a relief.

I thought I was going to be fine after I broke it off with Riddick. Cutting him off from being able to toy with my emotions was supposed to be a good thing and quite a relief to watch him be the one that was being played. However, in the process, watching him go and talking to him was the hardest thing I had to do.

I park my car next to his apartment complex. I arrive promptly at nine o'clock and make my way into his apartment, up the stairs, and into his apartment. Now at this time, I had already had it prepared. I was going to get a couple of drinks into my system enough to give myself the self-esteem needed to talk to him about not only my feelings, but uncovering the mystery behind our relationship. As he came out of his bedroom to greet me, he began to ask me how my day was. He has no idea what is going to hit him when I get the courage to talk to him. I thought to myself as I returned his greeting with a smile.

We made our way to Bourbon Street and began to sit down and talk while we ordered our drinks. He began to propose that we watch a TV show together. I told him I would be down with watching something on a regular basis with him. Giving him the false hope he needed to keep the conversation going.

We began to play pool in midst of our buzzed stupor, watching bad eighties music videos that were playing on the TV screens set up throughout the bar. We played two games. He began to flirt with me by complimenting my nose as well as smacking my ass occasionally when I was bent over the table setting up a shot.

After I won the second game, he was telling me how he had to be up early and that we might need to go so he can get some sleep. We drove back to his apartment and as we were saying our goodbyes, I decided to let it out.

“I need to ask you something.”

“What?” He asked with a concerned look on his face.

“What are you looking for?” I interrogated.

“I am looking for friends.” He replied with subtlety.

“Cool. Thanks. That’s all I needed to know.”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because I am looking for something more than just a friend.” I replied with a hint of disappointment in my voice. “I can’t be friends with someone that I care about.”

“Isn’t that what friends do?” He asked. “Don’t they care about each other? I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

Well, you are. “You’re right. Friends do care about each other. But I can guarantee that you will meet someone else, and I will be left still caring about you. I have been down that road where I care about the person more than they care about me, and it’s not fun.”

He remained silent as he listened to me.

“I just got tired of the mind games you would play with me. At first, I was a ‘cutie’ then you would call me ‘buddy.’ I am sorry, I call my six-year-olds at camp ‘buddy.’ For me, being a friend when I care about you is like making second place in a race when I know for a fact I deserve first. I deserve the best in life, and right now. Being your friend is not apart of it.”

“Well, I am disappointed that you feel that way. Because I am going to miss having you in my life. But if you ever feel like you can be friends, please let me know.”

We hugged one more time as we parted ways. With every step he made away from me, a heartstring was breaking inside me. Please don’t leave me at square one. I pleaded inside my head. I wanted him to stay and admit that he has the same feelings for me. But none of that happened. I was left….once again…alone.

It sucked leaving. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I knew that if I stayed silent, I would burst at an inappropriate time and I would regret it. If I was just honest, maybe things could change. They changed, but not in the way that I wanted.

I drove home alone. Texting anyone awake. Feeling like I will always make second-place in everyone’s life. I know someone better will come along, but I want to feel like I have chance to move on. Like I can migrate my feelings I have towards Jeff and move it towards someone else. Hanging out with Chris, I felt like I actually had a chance. I felt renewed. But he failed me. You can never depend on humanity to help you with your problems. Because they are just as faulted and fucked up like everyone else.

Am I always going to be everyone’s friend? Am I ever going to be good enough for anyone?