The island of Alcatraz. A prison that had the best security system in the world. Who knew that if you built something on an island surrounded by freezing cold water and sharks, there would be little to no survivors that tried to escape. They would either be eaten, poached by the guards out on the sea, or freeze their ass off trying to get away. No one was able to escape Alcatraz. They were all recaptured. But like this prison in the middle of the Gay Mecca of the World, my heart is set up in this manner also.
After my dark rage day on Friday, it really got me thinking about my life. I was mad because I was not happy where I was, and the fact that people keep doing shit behind my back and getting away with it, only to confess to me after the storm had calmed down. I know it's the courteous thing to do. Not telling your boyfriend that you found someone else was a hard thing for me to tackle too, but you get over what's courteous and do what's right. Either way, they are going to get hurt, so might want to euthanize before it will get any worse between you two. And DO NOT do it on the phone either, that's fucking lame and totally chicken. If there is one thing I will never forgive Jeff for is that he broke up with me over the phone when he was thinking about breaking up for two weeks. So after that dark rage, I decided to not allow anyone in. Close up the candy shop until the renovation is over. But right in the middle of my remodeling period, there is a guy knocking on the door to my heart that wants to get in. I want to open it up and see if it is someone that I can trust, or if it is another Jehovah's Witness hounding me.
His name is Jose, a guy that I met on Monday. I am not saying he's a bad guy, he is extremely caring. He has been single for two and a half years after his last one ended horribly. He is extremely passionate when it comes to the person that he's interested in (and a REALLY good kisser too!).
After meeting him at the mall on Monday and hanging out all night until 5am the next morning with him, he is already "sprung" over me. He was telling me that he "has not felt like this about anyone in so long..." and that "I am so hot that I can have any guy...." I like accepting compliments, it helps to keep me humble. The one thing that I don't like about any of this is how fast this guy is working. Within an hour, he had figured I was already at the point in the date that he could hug me from behind. I barely knew this guy and he was already trying to knock. My guard has never been up so high in my life.
I do not want to get hurt again. The last time I opened myself up to someone, they ended up disappearing on me and found them at Rich's a couple of days later (see blog: Evolutions (part 4): Botulism). Then after hanging out with him after turned out to be hard because I started finding out other things...bottom line: not fun. Now, I have a guy that really is head over heels with me and I have no interest in dating anyone right now.
It is just weird how eerie my life is changing. Evolution has taken hold in my life to the point where, as mentioned in my earlier blogs, I am starting to see facets of myself everywhere. Jose is becoming me when Jeff and I were dating (except I was more shy but still cute). Jeff is becoming me when he told me that Joel and him got back together. He is hopeful of starting over but a little hesitating to starting over after the pain that was done. My lesbian friend is afraid of going out and meeting by herself because she is so used to being in company with other people.
But this boy, Jose, just has gotten me so confused. A part of me wants to open up the doors to Alcatraz and let the crazies go free and see where it goes; at the same time, I have the other side of me that is so jaded by the fact of dating that I enjoy the adventures I encounter single. The other part of the equation that I just don't understand is that I am leaving to LA to start my writing career. Why would I fall in love with someone down here when I am going to be leaving in a couple of months? I am afraid that if I commit to opening my heart to him and we end up going out, that I might sacrifice my career for someone. If it doesn't work out and we break up, I will be blaming him for alot of things. A part of my identity that I do know for a fact is that the moment that I commit to something/someone and it burns down, I blame them for making me sacrifice my choices just so I could be happy with someone.
If there are things that I could change about him it would consists of some simple modifications. I really want him to stop being so pushy in seeing me again. He has been calling me every single night regarding when we are hanging out. Don't get me wrong, I like hanging out with him and all, it's just that I want my space right now. I don't want to move too fast and that is exactly what he's doing.
I want to change his taste in music. He likes Celine Dion. Granted her Grammy Nominated Album Falling into You was really good, everything else about her music just turns me off (except some of her older songs like The Power of Love were amazing too). Then his taste in movies and television shows. This guy is just screaming for a makeover in that area. Another thing are his tattoos. I really don't like tatoos on a guy. They are tacky and stay on you for the rest of your life. Not only that, but every trendy kid out there is getting one...get over it. Grab a sharpee and go to town.
The entanglements of love can be so complicated sometimes. I want so much for my life, but I would rather have a great-paying career than be in love right now. I need to move to LA. I am getting tired of living in the country. A couple hours ago, some kids in a car threw eggs at me and screamed "fuck you faggot!" while I was on the phone with Jose. Never before have I been hated like that before, it was really scary. I just hope that the decision I make will help me and that I won't get hurt. because I really can't afford to get hurt again for a while.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Step One: The Job
Out of the darkness...into the light...it takes one step to cross over. Now don't think that I am planning on being overly religions and going straight because that is not what is in this gay agenda; I am moving from somewhere so dark and full of pain and transitioning into being a man and dealing with my problems head on (not to mention, shedding a tear of frustration or two.)....it takes one step.
Sometimes, we are faced with so much weight within that one step that it makes it nearly impossible to "wiggle [our] big toe"; yet, once you learn to let go, it can be made possible. I am really surprised that I have the ability to write like I am writing for a tract.
Once again, I am not talking about declaring my newfound love for Jesus Christ, because that's been there. What I am mainly talking about is how different things are right now. Let me just begin with the less complicated one: I got a job. I will be a stocker at Costco Warehouse Sales. I understand that you are disappointed that a man with a Bachelor's degree would be getting all moist over an eleven dollar an hour job; but you need to consider this: the film market down here fucking sucks.
There is a series that is being shot in Ocean Beach called "The Ex List," and I wasn't even considered for the role in spite of my experience! Then there are those measley reality shows that are looking for actors or PA jobs. No matter how many times I submit a resume, nothing is offered.
Hence, I applied for any opening job after I quit with The Wave Waterpark. I was supposed to be working as a salesman, but they never called me back after I left multiple messages. For six weeks, I have been unemployed, then I applied for Costco. Three annoying interviews later, I was offered the job. I swear, the scariest part of that entire process was the drug test. I had stare at two strips that had my saliva on it and pray that stripes show up under the test. I felt like a girl that is Late and takes the Test, hoping and praying for that Minus Sign! Once the stripes showed up, I was relieved. I don't do drugs, but you never know what they put in those drink these days. Once I got the welcome sentence: "Welcome to the team," I swear I almost broke out into dance.
I'm pretty sure I will hate it in about two weeks; and that I will look as lame as those people that were in the break room today. But I will make it look good. Because if there is anyone that can rock the boat, it's me. Sorry to brag...but seriously, it's the truth.
Sometimes, we are faced with so much weight within that one step that it makes it nearly impossible to "wiggle [our] big toe"; yet, once you learn to let go, it can be made possible. I am really surprised that I have the ability to write like I am writing for a tract.
Once again, I am not talking about declaring my newfound love for Jesus Christ, because that's been there. What I am mainly talking about is how different things are right now. Let me just begin with the less complicated one: I got a job. I will be a stocker at Costco Warehouse Sales. I understand that you are disappointed that a man with a Bachelor's degree would be getting all moist over an eleven dollar an hour job; but you need to consider this: the film market down here fucking sucks.
There is a series that is being shot in Ocean Beach called "The Ex List," and I wasn't even considered for the role in spite of my experience! Then there are those measley reality shows that are looking for actors or PA jobs. No matter how many times I submit a resume, nothing is offered.
Hence, I applied for any opening job after I quit with The Wave Waterpark. I was supposed to be working as a salesman, but they never called me back after I left multiple messages. For six weeks, I have been unemployed, then I applied for Costco. Three annoying interviews later, I was offered the job. I swear, the scariest part of that entire process was the drug test. I had stare at two strips that had my saliva on it and pray that stripes show up under the test. I felt like a girl that is Late and takes the Test, hoping and praying for that Minus Sign! Once the stripes showed up, I was relieved. I don't do drugs, but you never know what they put in those drink these days. Once I got the welcome sentence: "Welcome to the team," I swear I almost broke out into dance.
I'm pretty sure I will hate it in about two weeks; and that I will look as lame as those people that were in the break room today. But I will make it look good. Because if there is anyone that can rock the boat, it's me. Sorry to brag...but seriously, it's the truth.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Hot Mess
In my favorite TV series of all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy's best friend Willow turns evil. This is the result of Buffy's enemy and former classmate, Warren, arriving at Buffy's house with a gun and opening fire, shooting Willow's girlfriend with a stray bullet. When Willow's girlfriend dies, she changes from being good into a very powerful witch that comes very close to destroying the world.
Today is the last day of summer. Tomorrow begins the season of fall, when things that became alive and flourishing full of life with the previous season now begin to go into self-preservation. Looking back at my summer, I have discovered several things. It's amazing what 3 months being a post-graduate can do to you. However, in spite of me learning a great deal of things about growing up, I have learned one thing: The dark side of me is powerful. I may not be as bad as Dark Willow, but the way that I am when I am like this, is definitely Diary of a Mad Black Woman status.
This summer has been about extreme maturing growth as an individual, experiencing disappointment within relationships, and understanding that life needs to be handled on a day-to-day basis. It seemed like with the passing of everyday, there was a new drama that began to take hold on my life. Sure, it's good for a story, but having to deal with it while trying to keep a smile on your face at the same time can be...complicated. However, what happened to me this weekend was something that I never do.
Normally, I am able to keep my cool when it comes to people telling me things involving my relationship with them. I was able to keep myself leveled when Jeff tells me things about us that drive him nuts; I was able to handle the pressure of being yelled at by my boss when she wanted to talk about how I was running the camp; and I was able to execute professionalism and class when dealing with my unemployment crisis. But, the moment I left Robert's house, a part within me snapped. Something dark awoke within me and put my good side into a comatose state for the night. I was burning with rage, and all I wanted to do was destroy. It really wasn't Robert's fault that made me like this, but it was resulting from everything else.
Robert and I are done. I closed that door the day that I broke up with him. We agreed to be friends and just have fun. We still enjoy each other's company, except without sex. Sure, we fooled around a couple times; but who hasn't slept with an ex? Anyways, he was feeling sick, his excuse was because his new boyfriend was in Japan for 6 months. He was lonely and wanted me to hang out with him. Since I am unemployed and have nothing else going on within my agenda, I decided to pay him a visit.
He was sitting at the front porch when I brought him a smoothie to help him feel better. I wanted to see how he was doing and also wanted to hear about this new boy. As he was talking and glowing about this guy, I began to notice pieces of his story that raised problems with me: they were conflicting with our relationship time table. While listening to him, I began to piece parts of my story where he was not there with pieces of his story of his new boy; to my surprise: they fit perfectly. Then I brought up the question to him while we were talking: "When you disappeared that week you and I were together, were you seeing this guy?" I got a yes.
But that didn't hurt me, it's what he said after that did:
"I wanted to tell you. I wanted to be honest with you, because you are a great guy and I love hanging out with you. It's just that I didn't want to hurt your feelings because you are a nice guy." These were the words that made me snap.
I am fed up with being fed a lie because I am a good person. I hate being let down easy because it would hurt to hear the truth. I am sick and tired of having people be so Goddamn sensitive of my feelings. I appreciate a person that will tell me the truth to my face than to have a person that will find an easy way of disappointing me. People do this to me all the time. All they see in me is how good of a person that I am. They fear that if they tell me something hurtful that I will just change the way I am because they were such a good friend in telling it to me nicely.
As I got into the car when I left Robert's house 45 minutes later and began to drive into the city, I could feel the good side of me fade away and rage and dark side burning brightly within me. I began to dwell on the idea that I am fed up with being a good person, always doing the right thing, and for having a conscience. I began to experiment with the thought of what it would be like to not live with that. To just "do what thou whilt." Then suddenly, I let go of everything good and became a completely different person, a person filled with rage, anger and pain. I wanted people to feel my pain. My pain of what I have experienced this past lifetime. I wanted others to go through what I go through, I wanted people to just experience pain....my pain.
Clubs that night...I was a hot mess. My mind was set under this rage. The music was bumping, hips were grinding, hot bodies were stripping, and Pablo was set on destroying. While dancing, this one guy was watching me dance, I told him to come over and dance with me, he pointed to his boyfriend, I gave him a look that said: "and your point is...." Not really caring about his prior commitments.
Later that night, I met this one guy and was dancing with him. I wasn't interested in him, but I figured that I would just give him the run-around, anyway. His friend was trying to dance with me, but I gave him a look that would make even puppies whimper. We were dancing and he reaches in my pants and starts to go exploring. However, the bouncers didn't really enjoy the sight and had us kicked out. I was angry at the time, but deep down, I was proud of doing something bad.
Enraged, I went to another club to continue my roaring rampage, telling my victim that if he really wants to have fun to come to this lesbian club with me. He told me he was going to go, but had to wait on his friend. I left to the other club. However, I didn't go, but waited outside pf it and watched them go inside, I walked away from the club, got in my car, and headed home.
Maybe it was because I was fed up with being good, always being the made the example for everyone's flawed morals; or maybe it was because I was really hurt by people treating me bad that I just wanted to do the same on another person, but when I calmed my inner rage down and brought the good back, I began to realize that I am just not happy where I am right now. I am a hot mess and really need to work on fixing myself and find something happy and clinging to it.
What do I have to show for my rage? Bad karma, depression, and loneliness. Enemies and evil characters in stories do most of their deeds alone and find themselves destroyed alot quicker than most heroes.
Earlier tonight, I called my friend upset at what I did this weekend and just upset on why my life is not progressing after graduating with a degree, being unemployed, and not really having a place to call home, and not really having anything to show for my hard work. My rage was coming from being treated like a good kid, from not going anywhere with my life, tired of being treated like a kid when it comes to the truth, and overall not being happy anywhere I go.
I just want things to progress for me; however, right now I feel like I spend too much time hoping for a miracle to arrive when nothing never comes along. I am tired of hoping. I want something real to keep me going, none of this fairy-tale bullshit of "someday, my prince will come." I want to be treated like an adult and be given the R-rated truth than facing the G-rated lie. But like Willow, I wanted them to feel my pain; however, being hell-bent on treating every person like shit is not going to help me. Even though some deserve it....kidding...
Today is the last day of summer. Tomorrow begins the season of fall, when things that became alive and flourishing full of life with the previous season now begin to go into self-preservation. Looking back at my summer, I have discovered several things. It's amazing what 3 months being a post-graduate can do to you. However, in spite of me learning a great deal of things about growing up, I have learned one thing: The dark side of me is powerful. I may not be as bad as Dark Willow, but the way that I am when I am like this, is definitely Diary of a Mad Black Woman status.
This summer has been about extreme maturing growth as an individual, experiencing disappointment within relationships, and understanding that life needs to be handled on a day-to-day basis. It seemed like with the passing of everyday, there was a new drama that began to take hold on my life. Sure, it's good for a story, but having to deal with it while trying to keep a smile on your face at the same time can be...complicated. However, what happened to me this weekend was something that I never do.
Normally, I am able to keep my cool when it comes to people telling me things involving my relationship with them. I was able to keep myself leveled when Jeff tells me things about us that drive him nuts; I was able to handle the pressure of being yelled at by my boss when she wanted to talk about how I was running the camp; and I was able to execute professionalism and class when dealing with my unemployment crisis. But, the moment I left Robert's house, a part within me snapped. Something dark awoke within me and put my good side into a comatose state for the night. I was burning with rage, and all I wanted to do was destroy. It really wasn't Robert's fault that made me like this, but it was resulting from everything else.
Robert and I are done. I closed that door the day that I broke up with him. We agreed to be friends and just have fun. We still enjoy each other's company, except without sex. Sure, we fooled around a couple times; but who hasn't slept with an ex? Anyways, he was feeling sick, his excuse was because his new boyfriend was in Japan for 6 months. He was lonely and wanted me to hang out with him. Since I am unemployed and have nothing else going on within my agenda, I decided to pay him a visit.
He was sitting at the front porch when I brought him a smoothie to help him feel better. I wanted to see how he was doing and also wanted to hear about this new boy. As he was talking and glowing about this guy, I began to notice pieces of his story that raised problems with me: they were conflicting with our relationship time table. While listening to him, I began to piece parts of my story where he was not there with pieces of his story of his new boy; to my surprise: they fit perfectly. Then I brought up the question to him while we were talking: "When you disappeared that week you and I were together, were you seeing this guy?" I got a yes.
But that didn't hurt me, it's what he said after that did:
"I wanted to tell you. I wanted to be honest with you, because you are a great guy and I love hanging out with you. It's just that I didn't want to hurt your feelings because you are a nice guy." These were the words that made me snap.
I am fed up with being fed a lie because I am a good person. I hate being let down easy because it would hurt to hear the truth. I am sick and tired of having people be so Goddamn sensitive of my feelings. I appreciate a person that will tell me the truth to my face than to have a person that will find an easy way of disappointing me. People do this to me all the time. All they see in me is how good of a person that I am. They fear that if they tell me something hurtful that I will just change the way I am because they were such a good friend in telling it to me nicely.
As I got into the car when I left Robert's house 45 minutes later and began to drive into the city, I could feel the good side of me fade away and rage and dark side burning brightly within me. I began to dwell on the idea that I am fed up with being a good person, always doing the right thing, and for having a conscience. I began to experiment with the thought of what it would be like to not live with that. To just "do what thou whilt." Then suddenly, I let go of everything good and became a completely different person, a person filled with rage, anger and pain. I wanted people to feel my pain. My pain of what I have experienced this past lifetime. I wanted others to go through what I go through, I wanted people to just experience pain....my pain.
Clubs that night...I was a hot mess. My mind was set under this rage. The music was bumping, hips were grinding, hot bodies were stripping, and Pablo was set on destroying. While dancing, this one guy was watching me dance, I told him to come over and dance with me, he pointed to his boyfriend, I gave him a look that said: "and your point is...." Not really caring about his prior commitments.
Later that night, I met this one guy and was dancing with him. I wasn't interested in him, but I figured that I would just give him the run-around, anyway. His friend was trying to dance with me, but I gave him a look that would make even puppies whimper. We were dancing and he reaches in my pants and starts to go exploring. However, the bouncers didn't really enjoy the sight and had us kicked out. I was angry at the time, but deep down, I was proud of doing something bad.
Enraged, I went to another club to continue my roaring rampage, telling my victim that if he really wants to have fun to come to this lesbian club with me. He told me he was going to go, but had to wait on his friend. I left to the other club. However, I didn't go, but waited outside pf it and watched them go inside, I walked away from the club, got in my car, and headed home.
Maybe it was because I was fed up with being good, always being the made the example for everyone's flawed morals; or maybe it was because I was really hurt by people treating me bad that I just wanted to do the same on another person, but when I calmed my inner rage down and brought the good back, I began to realize that I am just not happy where I am right now. I am a hot mess and really need to work on fixing myself and find something happy and clinging to it.
What do I have to show for my rage? Bad karma, depression, and loneliness. Enemies and evil characters in stories do most of their deeds alone and find themselves destroyed alot quicker than most heroes.
Earlier tonight, I called my friend upset at what I did this weekend and just upset on why my life is not progressing after graduating with a degree, being unemployed, and not really having a place to call home, and not really having anything to show for my hard work. My rage was coming from being treated like a good kid, from not going anywhere with my life, tired of being treated like a kid when it comes to the truth, and overall not being happy anywhere I go.
I just want things to progress for me; however, right now I feel like I spend too much time hoping for a miracle to arrive when nothing never comes along. I am tired of hoping. I want something real to keep me going, none of this fairy-tale bullshit of "someday, my prince will come." I want to be treated like an adult and be given the R-rated truth than facing the G-rated lie. But like Willow, I wanted them to feel my pain; however, being hell-bent on treating every person like shit is not going to help me. Even though some deserve it....kidding...
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