The Chronicles of Riddick

"Tell me what you don't like about yourself?" Interrogate the two doctors at the beginning of each episode of my favorite show nip/tuck. Then there comes the responce of someone that wants yet another facelift, for another lipo to fit into that LBD, and for increasing their boob size to go up so they could feel almost as confident as the next bimbo next to her getting all the hot guys. It's what we do to make ourselves feel like we can be appreciated while living in such a beauty-obsessed society as Earth to think otherwise. We try to change the outer hoping that we can fix the inner in the process. But it sometimes returns with a crease of wrinkles in your skin, noticing your fat has increased double, and for gravity, being the bitch that it is, allows the return of saggy boobs.

This is how I feel with where I am at right now. Frustrated that things are getting harder with my "hang outs" with Riddick, that I am noticing my own wrinkles appearing on my skin: I need another upgrade. I am getting fed up with his mind games and calling me "buddy" all the time while at the same time wanting to fuck me. He is so enigmatic that it makes my head spin. I am left in a bind of wondering if I should even pursue this, risking the possibility of being hurt again; while at the same time getting sick of his bullshit and resorting back into being the Hillcrest ho until I get the money to bust outta here.

So today, it was supposed to be a great day. Wake up, wash the cars, go hang with Riddick possibly before we go to the party, introducing him to Jeff and Joel and finally feel like I can move on with my life, watch the season premiere of the L word and really enjoy that Riddick enjoying it with me. But no, he decides to pull the "I'm sick" card and change it all up. Instead of enjoying Jeff's expression when Riddick walks into the room, I am left feeling awkward watching Joel and Jeff make out in front of me. I swear, if I vomited every single time they kissed, the whole bar would have been filled up.

Don't get me wrong, I was glad to have met Joel, he is a really nice guy. He is a really funny guy to talk to. But it all took a turn when Jeff would get all cute with him and they would both make out, now making him enjoy the emotions I was emitting tonight. He always has a way of surprising me and cutting to the chase before I can even get my shoes on.

I was mad at the fact that Riddick was sick and I was left playing third wheel the rest of the night. I mean, my friend Sam was there and she was great to have around in this time, but I still wanted Riddick to be there so I could feel like such a reject in a lesbian-infested bar.

Sidenote: I am so kidding with the term "lesbian-infested" bar. I love lesbians, just when some of them get older, they switch to butch all of a sudden. Same with gay men, they become men infatuated with Celine Dion and thinks Barbara Streisand should have won more Oscars.

I could handle talking to Jeff and Joel while waiting for the premiere, they are both really funny to talk to; but once they both started drinking, they got more touchy. Granted, I am okay with that-- fine, I am not okay with it. But I am goddamn well trying hard enough--; but seriously, don't make it super mushy that I feel like I am watching yet another episode of "Noah's Arc." It just made me jealous that people are still moving forward, watching something I can never have, and feeling very much in solitude while it's a new year and nothing is happening yet.

I arrive at Riddick's house after leaving as soon as the credits rolled for the L word premiere, and he was in a crabby mood because he truly was sick.

I don't know how to act around him. I am always at a loss for words when I am talking to him, because I want to sound like actually earned my degree due to my intelligence. I always feel like I am wording things wrong and sound like a complete idiot. Then he always tell me that I give him judgemental and condescending expressions Not even allowing two hours to pass by without him confusing me with inviting me to cuddle with him, or kissing me goodnight.

Thus continues the ever-stale part of my experience with Riddick: confusion, risking my emotions for a guy that might not like me in return, and wondering when this caged bird is going to fly.

Because I want to fly...fly away from here. Being able to grow up instead of wishing for it to happen so people can finally take me seriously. I mean, who wants to listen to a writer bitch about his life in almost every blog while still living at home at (soon-to-be) 24. I know I am beating myself up over it all too much, but I am just getting fed up with the bullshit I deal with day in, and day out.

But ultimately, I want that boob job, lipo, and facelift. Because I truly do want to attain the confidence in getting out of here and not feeling like I am some slut with a heart.