Evolution's a Bitch

We can never be fully accustomed to our bodies as we age. We begin this life not understanding that the pain going on inside of our mouth is teething as an infant. Then later on in life, just when we get used to our youth do we begin to experience the dropping of our voice, or the sudden growth of those D cups you always dreamed of in your adolescent years. Then we have a mid-life crisis. Bringing us to understand that our penis doesn’t get as hard as it used to, or that we aren’t getting any younger and think to ourselves: why not do that secretary? Or in the woman’s case: am I really ever going to be attractive to find the One?

The same can be said to our emotions. As our sex hormones kick in the moment we get into Junior High (a.k.a. The Dark Ages), we begin to understand the Laws of Attraction, then we begin to realize that someone can actually like us and that we can find a way to commit ourselves to someone. We can never become fully comfortable with ourselves until it’s too late.

I feel like I date guys that are emotionally retarded. They really don’t know what they want in life but will fuck something until that opportunity arrives. Let’s look at example Riddick, the last month-long trick. Using those excuses like: “I am only looking for friends”; however, he will fuck my ass and my emotions anytime.

Then we have Mike, a guy that was definetly not a boyfriend because was too emotionally unstable to be around. It was like he made every opportunity to cry so he could feel better about himself. I will admit, I do have my emotionally weak moments, but I pick myself up and am strong again. This guy had the tearing-up stability of a waterfall. The tears were almost always flowing. He would spread it to me and started to hurt me and would often try to break down my emotional wall by saying really sensitive things, but I just deflected them and moved on.

Finally, let’s take a gander at Jeff, my best, my first, my favorite, and my always-question relationship. It seemed like I was so immersed in my own love for this guy, I did not see that he really didn’t love me as much in return. He was not really knowing what he wanted in life, but fucked me and told me sweet-nothings to keep me beside him.

But then again, maybe I can maybe just be in a really bad mood at the moment?

I don’t know, but I am not liking the guys around my age. They are still trying to understand who they are as they are fucking away brain cells. They really aren’t used to adulthood but enjoy exploring this new territory. Granted, I am not innocent either, but at least I know who I am, I have that advantage. I feel like I can never relate to people around my age, because I got used to talking to adults when I was homeschooled. One of the very few advantages to homeschooling. Now that I am surrounded by people my age, I feel like I can never be fully understood because some of them haven’t dealt with the shit I deal with on a regular basis.

Growing up, there always seemed to be some major drama going on in the spiritual and emotional challenges in my life. It was hard, but God would always grant me wisdom and the strength to kep going. It is obvious that God has a major plan for me, I just really wished He would hurry up and start making me amazing or into a superhero. Because I could really use a my force field ability right about now….

But seriously, I am not enjoying this evolution of my emotions. They are sometimes really painful and can slow everything else down. I am still hurt by the events in this past month. Realizing that I am making stupid mistakes and beating myself up over them. Sure, they are going to make me stronger, but can I at least have a break like everyone else?