It was the beginning to a well-deserved night out with the boys, raising hell in the city of Hillcrest. My entourage consisted of my best friend Riddick, his friend Dave, my ex Jeff, and my new friend Joel (this is not to be confused with Jeff's ex Joel). As the alcohol was flowing, so were the witty comebacks, the great company, and drink tabs. After dealing with an incredibly anxious week, this was to be the reward for all the hard work that was invested in keeping the peace within my life.
Little did I know that the events that were to take place towards the conclusion of the night initiated the beginning of an incredible train of thought that I am still not able to resolve.
Jeff, Joel, and I were making our way back to my car. It dawned on me earlier that evening that I have work at 7 a.m. the next morning and should be heading back home to get some sleep before a long day at work the next morning. I was currently working off a departing buzz while Jeff and Joel were struggling shaking off theirs. We got into my car and began to make our route to getting Jeff to his apartment so Joel and I can head back to our town.
My car halted in front of the light. It taunts me with its red luminance, refusing to change to the desired green. Inside my car, Joel was sitting in the passenger seat, his hand resting against my chair, Jeff sitting behind me. Moments later, a van to my right begins to play an overplayed Lady Gaga song. I was trying to figure out the song's title playing at full volume in the van next to us.
"It's Paparazzi." Joel mumbled. I was unable to hear, so I turned my head to face him. However as I did, I noticed something in my peripheral vision.
Joel's hand was no longer resting against my chair; but rather, resting in Jeff's crotch. I was doing everything in my power to stay calm and not release my rage in front of the traffic light. Seriously? I thought to myself as the light finally turned green. In my car?
Turning on the street where Jeff lives, I was speeding down the suburban street, doing everything humanly possible into dropping Jeff off in front of his apartment before I lose my cool. One block away from Jeff's apartment, I hear the sound of Jeff's belt being undone. Then I hear zipper teeth opening up the jean's jaws to allow Joel's hand VIP access. My heart was racing as I continued to keep cool. I see Jeff's apartment and I come to a swift halt.
"Bye Jeff." I uttered with a wavering calm tone.
The sound of Jeff's jeans rustling back up into their unexposed position was heard, almost as if he really didn't care whether I heard it or not. Joel and Jeff begin to swap phone numbers as he exited.
"Do you want to hang out with Jeff for a little bit Pablo?" Joel asks me in an almost pleading tone. He doesn't want to hang out.
"I want to sleep. So not tonight." I cockblocked.
As we begin driving home. It didn't take long before I released The Rage upon Joel. During the next thirty minutes en route to our home town of Escondido, he seeds thoughts into my head that won't seem to leave my system. No matter how many resolutions I create inside my head.
"I want you to be upfront Pablo. What's eating you?" Joel asks with a placid expression of concern.
"I'm not stupid Joel. I know what you were doing with Jeff. Seriously, you really think you could get away with it?"
"I'm not gonna lie. Yes, I did. Did that make you uncomfortable?"
"Do you really need to ask me that question? The fact that you were groping my friend in my car was definitely not your finest hour. You are lucky I don't drop your ass off and tell you to hike it on home."
"I am sorry I offended you. How I normally live my life is this: 'Act Now, Apologize Later.' I act on impulse. I do what feels right to me and I neglect any possibilities of a consequence occurring."
The conversation continued as I was speeding at 85 mph so I could drop him off so I can go home. He kept reittirating his mantra as I kept on finding a way to prove it wrong. He apologized, and I accepted it. However, one thing he said was enough to crack the ice in my thought process.
"…I think you are reacting in this way because you still have feelings for Jeff…"
When he said this, I almost told him to tuck and roll as I was on the freeway. I clarified to him that whatever assumption that he may have with Jeff/Pablo relationship is strictly on a friend level. Whatever feelings I had left for him died long ago. He is slowly becoming a person that I just pity because he is a man that has no idea what he wants, but will give up whatever opportunity that may arise for a good orgasm. "I don't care who Jeff sleeps with, where he does it, as long as it's not in my car. I am fine. I am not Jeff's boyfriend. He can go fuck himself for all I care." I bit at him.
As I dropped him off, the thoughts of our conversation continued to pop in my head. Act now, apologize later. That is one of the most immature phrases anyone can ever formulate into a mantra. When he had said this, it reverted me into realizing just how self-centered and evil humanity can be at times. Every day I spend with the general public, I realize that most people are very cutthroat and will do almost anything to find their thrill. Unfortunately, once that thrill loses its excitement, we go back on the prowl for the next great escape. The way we can sometimes pursue is almost animal-like in nature. We can manipulate and deceive those close to us so we can attain our prize. Mankind can never be completely satisfied because there is always something else that will eventually become more appealing. At times, I too am guilty of this deed.
When I first met him a month ago, I pitied him. Mainly because I saw that he was sitting by himself. I know what it's like to be alone at a bar. I hated it. So I brought my group over to the spot where Joel was sitting and invited him out to not feel alone. He had told me that his friends ditched him and that he was by himself. Maybe history repeats itself. I thought to myself. Maybe he had done this to the previous group that ditched him. I was his next carrier, like a virus.
However, I must admit. As far as people I encounter in my day-to-day, I would toy with the idea of changing my behavior into being someone that acts impulsively to get what I want. I see a majority of people around me that have the looks, the dream jobs, the acceptance, and the man that I crave. Shouldn't this be an easy adaptation? This occurs every time I see a couple kiss or a friend telling me about his new story that is in the works of possibly being picked up. But having these thoughts in my head constantly in my head began to —and still do—bother me. It haunted me because no matter what resolution that I would conceive, there was another rebuttal just around the corner. Overall, I was mad at the both of them, frustrated in the status quo of my life, and feeling very used and manipulated.
Do nice guys really finish last? Or is it just a beautiful lie that we believe as our parents read us the story of Snow White before bedtime? Is it really necessary to revert to be an asshole in order to receive the life that I want? Is living a life full of rage (because I am on the verge of getting the things that I want worth living my life) in hopes to gain power worth it? No. I explained to him that people that live for themselves end up becoming the cat lady. That's the way of a spoiled brat, an immature child, Joel's life.
But even though I knew these were the resolutions to my own thought process, I was still upset. I felt like my brain needs a reboot. So I slept, then started work at Barnes and Noble. Upon clocking in, did my resolution arrive.
I have grown up surrounded by children. One of my favorite jobs involved working as a camp supervisor, where I was paid to be a mentor. Children are my voice of reason. They are the few individuals left in the world that will say the truth right to your face. Sometimes what they say is painful, but the truth can oftentimes hurt.
A child came in with his two dads and they ordered some lattes. The child was watching me work on his dad's lattes. "Is that how you make coffee?"
My heart practically melted at his curiosity. I began to explain to him the process it takes behind making a latte. It brought me back to Mister Roger's Neighborhood's Picture Picture minus the cheesy 80's music. I promised him the next time he comes in, I will teach him how to slip decaf in a person's drink.
Everything is going to turn out for the best, I am still trying to put myself back together. On an emotional and psychological level, I feel like someone just dumped all the toys out of my box. I obediently pick up each toy and place it back in the box. By doing this, It gives me a chance to reorganize my jumbled mess, and debate whether I should keep my Jeff and Joel toys. Sure, they are nice to look at. We've had some fun adventures. But maybe it's time to send them to a thrift store along with the other second-hand messes. Maybe someone else will enjoy watching them jerk the other off in the back seat of their car. Except hopefully the next time that happens, they will kick Joel to the curb and tell him to "show some leg" to get home. Give Joel a taste of his own medicine "Act Now," and "apologize later."
