Unreality

Alice, the famous character in Lewis Carrols acid-endosed classic, finds curiosity so intriguing that she has to push herself deeper and deeper into a world of the bizarre. In the not-so-celebrated sequel, Alice finds herself going through a looking-glass and entering Wonderland again, where things become more fucked up than the last time.

But I am sure you don't want to be lectured on the plot analysis of Lewis Carrol's story. That's not important to y'all. What is important is when the girl crosses over into the mirror world, everything is not what it seems. Inanimate objects become alive, everything turns opposite on her in a matter of moments.

Since I have made the initiative to not take myself seriously, my life becomes more interesting. I have turned from being a bitter person that licks his own wounds into a person that just finds fun. Letting go of some of my inhibitions and reservations for one guy and allowing fate to take control of my life. Sometimes, I let my old self take over, but standing up for myself is more fun and makes for a better story. However, I feel like for some reason I have crossed so far into this new world, that I am beginning to see reflections of my old self everywhere.

Light travels at a speed of 299, 792, 458 meters per second (by the way, don't hate on the meters per second. Google gave me that number and I am too tired to look it up!) Staring at a mirror, light is travelling around that if you really think about it...you are looking at yourself milliseconds older. I know I am dragging at this tangent. But life is moving so fast right now, that I feel like when I look in the mirror, I see a person growing older mentally. Evolving into something that I don't know if I like or hate yet.

This all came to mind when I went on a date with this guy on Saturday. After talking to him for a while, I began to notice something with him. He is where I was two years ago; except the fact that he has a master's degree, a job, a house, and a life seperate from his parents. It was eerie hanging out with him and encountering other things that night that it has been disturbing me for the past three days.

I went to Numbers, an immediate sign that weird shit is going to go down. I am sorry, but alot of stuff has happened there. It was my first club experience when I was dating Jeff; it was the place that I seen him dancing with another guy for the first time; it was the first time that I seen him with his boyfriend/fiancee; and the place where I met Robert and Matt --both on seperate occassions, of course! When I met this new guy, I will call him "Cooper," this was his first club.

After drinking and talking, we made our way to the dance floor and began to dance. I hate to brag, but even before I met Jeff, I was a good dancer and knew how to follow. It took Cooper a while to transition from white boy to okay dancer. When I asked him about his dancing, he replied with a: "you just lead and I will follow." I was hit with a memory: I would let Jeff follow on our first date, as it drew on, I began to do things of my own.

Then I decided to push the envelope, there was this REALLY hot guy checking me out, my gaydarman senses detected he was a bottom, and I invited him over to dance with me in the middle. This led to massive jealousy with Cooper, he grabbed my hand and put it on his ass as he was teasing my ear. I kissed him to give him the relief that I was not going to hook up with this guy, but that I wanted to have fun.

But then, like Alice, things turn into Wonderland as the unexpected occurred: Jeff's ex-fiancee walks into the room and gives me the nastiest glare. As if I was the reason why him and his beau broke up. I felt like I was in an episode of Dynasty, except there was no random cat fight with flying vases/nails/slander. I looked back at this guy and all I saw was how he hurt Jeff, and I wanted to beat his face in because of it. No one fucks with my friends...

As the night grew on, I was asking Cooper questions about his gay experience: he has not been to Numbers nor Rich's at all. I started getting a little worried because this guy was getting really sprung on me; and the sad part: the feeling was not mutual...more of me having fun. Going to Rich's was just different because I felt like I had magically turned into someone else...I had turned into Jeff.

I can explain this in several examples. First one, to all these guys, they see me as the top in the relationship. Yes, I have become very headstrong and understanding how to fight for myself. I don't want people to fuck with me the way Robert and Jeff did again. Next example, I am deflowering this guy in introducing him to new facets of gay culture in San Diego. Yeah, he has experience in other parts of the world, but not in San Diego. Next, I do not want to be in a relationship right now. I do not see myself with anyone right now. I am in the process of moving to Hollywood to start my career, I am kinda not allowing myself to have any ties holding me down. The only things I want holding me down in my life right now are the ropes that are tied to both my hands and a bedpost.

This guy creeps me out not for his personality, I think he is a very intelligent person and really cute; however, he is too much like how I was two years ago that it's kinda scary seeing my own reflection. People tell me of their problems with their ex's or whatever, and even with them, I see reflections of my pain there. Like one of my friends was telling me about her girlfriend and how she is becoming a psycho stalker. I was once there, and hearing her talk about her ex puts me in an awkward situation. It's like hearing Jeff talking about me to an extent. I don't know if I am reading into this at all, but people talking about things that I can relate to helps put things into perspective for me and allow me to grow. Once again, a mirror can reflect things you may/may not want to see. It is the honest thing you can have in your life. I guess that is the reason why Lewis Carroll puts it into his stories.

Lewis Carroll, like many authors in the 19th and 20th century, believed in the power of allegories. Gulliver's Travels, Alice in Wonderland, The Man Nobody Knew, are just those examples that pokes fun at the world that we live in. Carroll uses the anology of the rabbit hole to hide the deeper meaning to government, culture, and life in general. In my opinion, the mirror represents the way truth can be known...even though it may sound strange and may see things that you are not prepared for. But Alice enters a world of unreality, a world where what is real is distorted and reversed in ways that question reason. Is what they are seeing really what the world is becoming to an extent?

I have entered this looking glass and making my way into a world of unreality. I am having fun, but am I doing it because deep down, I am still in pain? How far am I going to go down this other reality of where I have become a more confident person? I cannot seem to stress how much I love feeling like I can stand up for myself and for others more; however, is this a part of growing up?

Virus

Growing up and attending elementary school, there were three different viruses you were to avoid. The first virus is you have the most common one: the common cold. You get it at least once a year and you feel like absolute crap. You deal with green snot, a groggy voice, and an attitude problem that has the ability to get you grounded quicker.

The second virus is lice. As we grow into adults, we deal with the possibility of getting crabs; but that is a totally different story. If a kid has lice, you were to avoid them at all costs, unless you were in dire need to get a hair cut. You end up taking three showers that day, as your mom uses the small toothed comb that makes your hair scream for mercy as it picks up each gross louse egg on your follicles.

Then finally, you get the chicken pox. This virus brings spots to your body for a week's time and makes you into a quarantine case. You are stuck with mother, watching her Oprah and Passions with nothing planned except the oatmeal bath before bedtime. Sure you occasionally spoiled with food and sitting in the front seat of mom's volvo, but at the same time, you are still not allowed to have a social life; unless your mother knows a kid that has never gotten the chicken pox. Which later leads to you playing with them, exposing the kid to the virus and damning them to a week of isolation.

As you grow up, you deal with other viruses. But sometimes these viruses might not attack you physically, but rather emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Like the childhood viruses, they can leave you feeling isolated.

If you read my previous blog Get Naked, then you already know that Jeff and I have gotten to be friends again; however, this time, I am the one that is stronger and able to be his friend without reading into anything. We went to Pride together as we both saw some familiar ex's that totally screwed us over, met some new hotties, and engourged ourselves in food. It felt good having my best friend back in my life. It was like having that breath of fresh air, being able to talk openly about our ex's and our hook ups without having any ties to each other. Then suddenly out of nowhere, our friendship had caught the deadliest virus. And I fear that I might have to pull the plug on it.

I don't know how to explain it, but he has been avoiding me. For reasons unknown. He did this before, then he told me that he was engaged. He was going through his drama, I told him I would be there for him and that I promise to be there when times are rough for him. Well, times are getting rough for me and he is nowhere to be found. This is not the first time that this has happened either. He has a habit of ditching me and making it all about him.

I am not holding any romantic ties to this guy nor am I trying to make a big deal out of it. But one thing that I do know that bothers me is that he is taking advantage of me. Of all people that I have to cut myself from...it has to be him. And people that like to fuck with me like that get dropped really fast. Like faster than popping a pill to make the pain go away.

My entire life has all been about trying to impress other people and completely forgetting about myself. I would let people take advantage of me because it give me the temporary relief that people like me. Up until recently, I declared my own independence and made a vow to not let people take advantage of me like that again; and if people are going to play me like that, I would drop them faster than biohazardous gloves. And now, like Buffy had to do to Angel in the end of the second season, I must end it with him.

He is a virus. Something that if not taken care of, can eat at me until there is nothing left. It happened before with my own thoughts, my thoughts became a destructive virus that left me believing in the world of my own creativity rather than what is being told in front of me. And now that I have a grip on my own life and story, I am going to take charge.