Endings. Everyone loves a great ending. The kind that grips you at the heart and will not let go until you squeeze out a couple of tears of heartbreak as you see your favorite character die in the arms of someone they loved. Or the endings that allows the audience to witness the end of tyranny of an evil antagonist. Whatever the ending may be, watching something draw to a close can sometimes be a relief.
I thought I was going to be fine after I broke it off with Riddick. Cutting him off from being able to toy with my emotions was supposed to be a good thing and quite a relief to watch him be the one that was being played. However, in the process, watching him go and talking to him was the hardest thing I had to do.
I park my car next to his apartment complex. I arrive promptly at nine o'clock and make my way into his apartment, up the stairs, and into his apartment. Now at this time, I had already had it prepared. I was going to get a couple of drinks into my system enough to give myself the self-esteem needed to talk to him about not only my feelings, but uncovering the mystery behind our relationship. As he came out of his bedroom to greet me, he began to ask me how my day was. He has no idea what is going to hit him when I get the courage to talk to him. I thought to myself as I returned his greeting with a smile.
We made our way to Bourbon Street and began to sit down and talk while we ordered our drinks. He began to propose that we watch a TV show together. I told him I would be down with watching something on a regular basis with him. Giving him the false hope he needed to keep the conversation going.
We began to play pool in midst of our buzzed stupor, watching bad eighties music videos that were playing on the TV screens set up throughout the bar. We played two games. He began to flirt with me by complimenting my nose as well as smacking my ass occasionally when I was bent over the table setting up a shot.
After I won the second game, he was telling me how he had to be up early and that we might need to go so he can get some sleep. We drove back to his apartment and as we were saying our goodbyes, I decided to let it out.
“I need to ask you something.”
“What?” He asked with a concerned look on his face.
“What are you looking for?” I interrogated.
“I am looking for friends.” He replied with subtlety.
“Cool. Thanks. That’s all I needed to know.”
“Why do you ask?”
“Because I am looking for something more than just a friend.” I replied with a hint of disappointment in my voice. “I can’t be friends with someone that I care about.”
“Isn’t that what friends do?” He asked. “Don’t they care about each other? I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”
Well, you are. “You’re right. Friends do care about each other. But I can guarantee that you will meet someone else, and I will be left still caring about you. I have been down that road where I care about the person more than they care about me, and it’s not fun.”
He remained silent as he listened to me.
“I just got tired of the mind games you would play with me. At first, I was a ‘cutie’ then you would call me ‘buddy.’ I am sorry, I call my six-year-olds at camp ‘buddy.’ For me, being a friend when I care about you is like making second place in a race when I know for a fact I deserve first. I deserve the best in life, and right now. Being your friend is not apart of it.”
“Well, I am disappointed that you feel that way. Because I am going to miss having you in my life. But if you ever feel like you can be friends, please let me know.”
We hugged one more time as we parted ways. With every step he made away from me, a heartstring was breaking inside me. Please don’t leave me at square one. I pleaded inside my head. I wanted him to stay and admit that he has the same feelings for me. But none of that happened. I was left….once again…alone.
It sucked leaving. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I knew that if I stayed silent, I would burst at an inappropriate time and I would regret it. If I was just honest, maybe things could change. They changed, but not in the way that I wanted.
I drove home alone. Texting anyone awake. Feeling like I will always make second-place in everyone’s life. I know someone better will come along, but I want to feel like I have chance to move on. Like I can migrate my feelings I have towards Jeff and move it towards someone else. Hanging out with Chris, I felt like I actually had a chance. I felt renewed. But he failed me. You can never depend on humanity to help you with your problems. Because they are just as faulted and fucked up like everyone else.
Am I always going to be everyone’s friend? Am I ever going to be good enough for anyone?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Duct Tape Fun
I can already tell how my past is trying to bleed into 2009. I am not going to have it. It's better to let the past die or get rid of it than to bring it into the new year. It's like having a piece of duct tape on your arm. Sure, it will be a be a bitch to feel your arm hair go with it, but the motherfuckin' tape will be off your arm. Holla.
This year, according to almost every American, the year that change is going to take place in the United States as well as the rest of the world. It's amazing to see what President Obama has for us in his four year (hopefully eight) stay in the White House . But today also marks the day that I am fighting back. Sick and tired of this bullshit trying to rule over me. I am doing this by ending my Riddick storyline.
Sure, it was a fun game to call me buddy and pal, but after having a conversation with him today, I just got fed up with it. Two nights ago, he had a bad night and wanted to talk to me about it. Being the guy that crushing on him, I told him to give me a call and tell me about it. After the end of his venting, he asked me if I wanted to go out with him tomorrow to help him pick out a new car. I accepted.
It was fun seeing the new cars everywhere, and seeing each salesperson's different methods to making a sale. Eventually, Riddick found a car and began to fill out the paperwork. Leaving my ass to texting people or sitting there like a good housewife. Then he realized something while filling out paperwork: I forgot my checkbook. This was a dilemma because he had to pay a down payment and he wasn't expecting to buy a car today. Also, since the saleswoman was desperate, she put me on the spot and asked me if I could drive down to his San Diego apartment to get it. I agreed to because I am a nice guy and because maybe this dumbass could finally appreciate me as something for more than just some fucking friend. As I was driving down to his apartment, the women at this dealership were talking to him about how nice of a guy I am to Riddick (any more hints to the dumbass to date me?)
I met up with him in Escondido at 11am, I didn't leave him until 6 out of his new car. I felt like I was going somewhere with this guy, then he concluded the evening with a "thanks for being so patient buddy." And immediately, everything that I did just seemed like it was done in vain.
It wasn't until today that I realized this, and his endless obsession with playing mindgames with me. Once I realized this did I finally just emotionally and romantically give up on him emotionally.
We were joking around about how he is into himself and he said something that just gave me proof to stop wasting my time with him. "It's not like you were going to have any part of it." He remarked to me.
"What the hell does that mean?" I write back.
"What do you want it to mean?" He wrote back.
I know! Let's play a game. It's called Pablo Doesn't Give a Fuck Anymore because You Fucking Suck. He continued in his game and concluded it with a: "I like fucking with people."
It sucks knowing that he is playing me, because I was starting to like this guy's company. At the same time, I don't have the time nor the patience to deal with this guy's mind games. If you want me, hurry up and tell me. Don't leave me in the dark, wondering if we are on a date, or if we are just two friends that fool around.
All that I know right now is that on Wednesday, Riddick is going to meet Dark Pablo. It's not going to be pretty, but who ever said emotional breakups are?
Do I sound mean? I am going to be on Wednesday. I don't want yet another man to bring me down again, because I really don't deserve it. Do I sound sad? Sad I liked the guy yes. But I am not as sad as I was last time, because I could see the signs before any more emotional damage could be made, and because I have a date with another guy tonight. There are more guys out there. Guys that truly do deserve me.
This year, according to almost every American, the year that change is going to take place in the United States as well as the rest of the world. It's amazing to see what President Obama has for us in his four year (hopefully eight) stay in the White House . But today also marks the day that I am fighting back. Sick and tired of this bullshit trying to rule over me. I am doing this by ending my Riddick storyline.
Sure, it was a fun game to call me buddy and pal, but after having a conversation with him today, I just got fed up with it. Two nights ago, he had a bad night and wanted to talk to me about it. Being the guy that crushing on him, I told him to give me a call and tell me about it. After the end of his venting, he asked me if I wanted to go out with him tomorrow to help him pick out a new car. I accepted.
It was fun seeing the new cars everywhere, and seeing each salesperson's different methods to making a sale. Eventually, Riddick found a car and began to fill out the paperwork. Leaving my ass to texting people or sitting there like a good housewife. Then he realized something while filling out paperwork: I forgot my checkbook. This was a dilemma because he had to pay a down payment and he wasn't expecting to buy a car today. Also, since the saleswoman was desperate, she put me on the spot and asked me if I could drive down to his San Diego apartment to get it. I agreed to because I am a nice guy and because maybe this dumbass could finally appreciate me as something for more than just some fucking friend. As I was driving down to his apartment, the women at this dealership were talking to him about how nice of a guy I am to Riddick (any more hints to the dumbass to date me?)
I met up with him in Escondido at 11am, I didn't leave him until 6 out of his new car. I felt like I was going somewhere with this guy, then he concluded the evening with a "thanks for being so patient buddy." And immediately, everything that I did just seemed like it was done in vain.
It wasn't until today that I realized this, and his endless obsession with playing mindgames with me. Once I realized this did I finally just emotionally and romantically give up on him emotionally.
We were joking around about how he is into himself and he said something that just gave me proof to stop wasting my time with him. "It's not like you were going to have any part of it." He remarked to me.
"What the hell does that mean?" I write back.
"What do you want it to mean?" He wrote back.
I know! Let's play a game. It's called Pablo Doesn't Give a Fuck Anymore because You Fucking Suck. He continued in his game and concluded it with a: "I like fucking with people."
It sucks knowing that he is playing me, because I was starting to like this guy's company. At the same time, I don't have the time nor the patience to deal with this guy's mind games. If you want me, hurry up and tell me. Don't leave me in the dark, wondering if we are on a date, or if we are just two friends that fool around.
All that I know right now is that on Wednesday, Riddick is going to meet Dark Pablo. It's not going to be pretty, but who ever said emotional breakups are?
Do I sound mean? I am going to be on Wednesday. I don't want yet another man to bring me down again, because I really don't deserve it. Do I sound sad? Sad I liked the guy yes. But I am not as sad as I was last time, because I could see the signs before any more emotional damage could be made, and because I have a date with another guy tonight. There are more guys out there. Guys that truly do deserve me.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Equation and the Missing Variable
January 20th
The Equation and the Missing Variable
Fed up. I can tell I am getting fed up because it makes me short-fused to everything else. I almost walked out of my job because they were treating me unfairly and my manager made me stay late. Then I fail at solving the Riddick Riddles because he is so.... Wanna know the sucky part of this equation? I am starting to sense more and more that he just wants a friend. Plus this variable: know I cannot give that advantage to another person again. After the last fiasco had me licking my wounds for a while, I told myself that I will not allow myself to settle for second-best when I know now that I deserve that gold medal (preferably platinum, because gold doesn't look good on me.).
Riddick and I got HIV-tested together today-- okay, not really together, we got seperated, leaving me without a chance in uncovering his sex life. It was supposed to be my breaking-point whether I should solve this equation or not. However, I have come to the possibility that Riddick might not be the variable I need to solve this equation. I mean, I could say: "This equation is not a function because it is in violation of its y-intercepts." Deciphering my nerdiness: Just settling into being his friend as he finds the guy he likes and move on.
Captain Pablo is not going to put up with that bullshit. I thought to myself rather heroically. Fuck that bitch! Time to move on.
I opened up my phone and sent a text to a guy that I met while canvassing at San Diego State University back when I worked for the Human Rights Campaign. I ran into him again while he was in his drunk stupor on Wednesday at a local gas station. I have a date with him on Friday after work. I don't know what to make any of this right now, but I am not going to wait for someone anymore. Stop playing pathetic desperate Pablo and fucking go for it.
I am feeling more like the critical constant to balancing this equation. I am realizing that I can be the protagonist to my own story and save myself instead of relying on angels, family, or friends in my life. That is what I need to do to be strong.
I don't have time to waste on someone that is not going to meet me halfway in balancing my equation. I would rather go out and continue searching. Maybe something would improve if I actually go look for it, pushing guys that waste my time or are too easy, out of my way.
Do I sound bitchy? I hope not. I just feel the need to save myself right now.
The Equation and the Missing Variable
Fed up. I can tell I am getting fed up because it makes me short-fused to everything else. I almost walked out of my job because they were treating me unfairly and my manager made me stay late. Then I fail at solving the Riddick Riddles because he is so.... Wanna know the sucky part of this equation? I am starting to sense more and more that he just wants a friend. Plus this variable: know I cannot give that advantage to another person again. After the last fiasco had me licking my wounds for a while, I told myself that I will not allow myself to settle for second-best when I know now that I deserve that gold medal (preferably platinum, because gold doesn't look good on me.).
Riddick and I got HIV-tested together today-- okay, not really together, we got seperated, leaving me without a chance in uncovering his sex life. It was supposed to be my breaking-point whether I should solve this equation or not. However, I have come to the possibility that Riddick might not be the variable I need to solve this equation. I mean, I could say: "This equation is not a function because it is in violation of its y-intercepts." Deciphering my nerdiness: Just settling into being his friend as he finds the guy he likes and move on.
Captain Pablo is not going to put up with that bullshit. I thought to myself rather heroically. Fuck that bitch! Time to move on.
I opened up my phone and sent a text to a guy that I met while canvassing at San Diego State University back when I worked for the Human Rights Campaign. I ran into him again while he was in his drunk stupor on Wednesday at a local gas station. I have a date with him on Friday after work. I don't know what to make any of this right now, but I am not going to wait for someone anymore. Stop playing pathetic desperate Pablo and fucking go for it.
I am feeling more like the critical constant to balancing this equation. I am realizing that I can be the protagonist to my own story and save myself instead of relying on angels, family, or friends in my life. That is what I need to do to be strong.
I don't have time to waste on someone that is not going to meet me halfway in balancing my equation. I would rather go out and continue searching. Maybe something would improve if I actually go look for it, pushing guys that waste my time or are too easy, out of my way.
Do I sound bitchy? I hope not. I just feel the need to save myself right now.
Monday, January 19, 2009
The Chronicles of Riddick
"Tell me what you don't like about yourself?" Interrogate the two doctors at the beginning of each episode of my favorite show nip/tuck. Then there comes the responce of someone that wants yet another facelift, for another lipo to fit into that LBD, and for increasing their boob size to go up so they could feel almost as confident as the next bimbo next to her getting all the hot guys. It's what we do to make ourselves feel like we can be appreciated while living in such a beauty-obsessed society as Earth to think otherwise. We try to change the outer hoping that we can fix the inner in the process. But it sometimes returns with a crease of wrinkles in your skin, noticing your fat has increased double, and for gravity, being the bitch that it is, allows the return of saggy boobs.
This is how I feel with where I am at right now. Frustrated that things are getting harder with my "hang outs" with Riddick, that I am noticing my own wrinkles appearing on my skin: I need another upgrade. I am getting fed up with his mind games and calling me "buddy" all the time while at the same time wanting to fuck me. He is so enigmatic that it makes my head spin. I am left in a bind of wondering if I should even pursue this, risking the possibility of being hurt again; while at the same time getting sick of his bullshit and resorting back into being the Hillcrest ho until I get the money to bust outta here.
So today, it was supposed to be a great day. Wake up, wash the cars, go hang with Riddick possibly before we go to the party, introducing him to Jeff and Joel and finally feel like I can move on with my life, watch the season premiere of the L word and really enjoy that Riddick enjoying it with me. But no, he decides to pull the "I'm sick" card and change it all up. Instead of enjoying Jeff's expression when Riddick walks into the room, I am left feeling awkward watching Joel and Jeff make out in front of me. I swear, if I vomited every single time they kissed, the whole bar would have been filled up.
Don't get me wrong, I was glad to have met Joel, he is a really nice guy. He is a really funny guy to talk to. But it all took a turn when Jeff would get all cute with him and they would both make out, now making him enjoy the emotions I was emitting tonight. He always has a way of surprising me and cutting to the chase before I can even get my shoes on.
I was mad at the fact that Riddick was sick and I was left playing third wheel the rest of the night. I mean, my friend Sam was there and she was great to have around in this time, but I still wanted Riddick to be there so I could feel like such a reject in a lesbian-infested bar.
Sidenote: I am so kidding with the term "lesbian-infested" bar. I love lesbians, just when some of them get older, they switch to butch all of a sudden. Same with gay men, they become men infatuated with Celine Dion and thinks Barbara Streisand should have won more Oscars.
I could handle talking to Jeff and Joel while waiting for the premiere, they are both really funny to talk to; but once they both started drinking, they got more touchy. Granted, I am okay with that-- fine, I am not okay with it. But I am goddamn well trying hard enough--; but seriously, don't make it super mushy that I feel like I am watching yet another episode of "Noah's Arc." It just made me jealous that people are still moving forward, watching something I can never have, and feeling very much in solitude while it's a new year and nothing is happening yet.
I arrive at Riddick's house after leaving as soon as the credits rolled for the L word premiere, and he was in a crabby mood because he truly was sick.
I don't know how to act around him. I am always at a loss for words when I am talking to him, because I want to sound like actually earned my degree due to my intelligence. I always feel like I am wording things wrong and sound like a complete idiot. Then he always tell me that I give him judgemental and condescending expressions Not even allowing two hours to pass by without him confusing me with inviting me to cuddle with him, or kissing me goodnight.
Thus continues the ever-stale part of my experience with Riddick: confusion, risking my emotions for a guy that might not like me in return, and wondering when this caged bird is going to fly.
Because I want to fly...fly away from here. Being able to grow up instead of wishing for it to happen so people can finally take me seriously. I mean, who wants to listen to a writer bitch about his life in almost every blog while still living at home at (soon-to-be) 24. I know I am beating myself up over it all too much, but I am just getting fed up with the bullshit I deal with day in, and day out.
But ultimately, I want that boob job, lipo, and facelift. Because I truly do want to attain the confidence in getting out of here and not feeling like I am some slut with a heart.
This is how I feel with where I am at right now. Frustrated that things are getting harder with my "hang outs" with Riddick, that I am noticing my own wrinkles appearing on my skin: I need another upgrade. I am getting fed up with his mind games and calling me "buddy" all the time while at the same time wanting to fuck me. He is so enigmatic that it makes my head spin. I am left in a bind of wondering if I should even pursue this, risking the possibility of being hurt again; while at the same time getting sick of his bullshit and resorting back into being the Hillcrest ho until I get the money to bust outta here.
So today, it was supposed to be a great day. Wake up, wash the cars, go hang with Riddick possibly before we go to the party, introducing him to Jeff and Joel and finally feel like I can move on with my life, watch the season premiere of the L word and really enjoy that Riddick enjoying it with me. But no, he decides to pull the "I'm sick" card and change it all up. Instead of enjoying Jeff's expression when Riddick walks into the room, I am left feeling awkward watching Joel and Jeff make out in front of me. I swear, if I vomited every single time they kissed, the whole bar would have been filled up.
Don't get me wrong, I was glad to have met Joel, he is a really nice guy. He is a really funny guy to talk to. But it all took a turn when Jeff would get all cute with him and they would both make out, now making him enjoy the emotions I was emitting tonight. He always has a way of surprising me and cutting to the chase before I can even get my shoes on.
I was mad at the fact that Riddick was sick and I was left playing third wheel the rest of the night. I mean, my friend Sam was there and she was great to have around in this time, but I still wanted Riddick to be there so I could feel like such a reject in a lesbian-infested bar.
Sidenote: I am so kidding with the term "lesbian-infested" bar. I love lesbians, just when some of them get older, they switch to butch all of a sudden. Same with gay men, they become men infatuated with Celine Dion and thinks Barbara Streisand should have won more Oscars.
I could handle talking to Jeff and Joel while waiting for the premiere, they are both really funny to talk to; but once they both started drinking, they got more touchy. Granted, I am okay with that-- fine, I am not okay with it. But I am goddamn well trying hard enough--; but seriously, don't make it super mushy that I feel like I am watching yet another episode of "Noah's Arc." It just made me jealous that people are still moving forward, watching something I can never have, and feeling very much in solitude while it's a new year and nothing is happening yet.
I arrive at Riddick's house after leaving as soon as the credits rolled for the L word premiere, and he was in a crabby mood because he truly was sick.
I don't know how to act around him. I am always at a loss for words when I am talking to him, because I want to sound like actually earned my degree due to my intelligence. I always feel like I am wording things wrong and sound like a complete idiot. Then he always tell me that I give him judgemental and condescending expressions Not even allowing two hours to pass by without him confusing me with inviting me to cuddle with him, or kissing me goodnight.
Thus continues the ever-stale part of my experience with Riddick: confusion, risking my emotions for a guy that might not like me in return, and wondering when this caged bird is going to fly.
Because I want to fly...fly away from here. Being able to grow up instead of wishing for it to happen so people can finally take me seriously. I mean, who wants to listen to a writer bitch about his life in almost every blog while still living at home at (soon-to-be) 24. I know I am beating myself up over it all too much, but I am just getting fed up with the bullshit I deal with day in, and day out.
But ultimately, I want that boob job, lipo, and facelift. Because I truly do want to attain the confidence in getting out of here and not feeling like I am some slut with a heart.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
90-day Free Trial!
You get those in the mail all the time. A little square envelope with a CD inside, tempting you to
try it out by screaming "Free". It is a genius way for promoting their product really. You ponder as you sit in front of your laptop/computer whether it will be less space on the hard drive, but you do it anyway. Probably even knowing you might get addicted to using it or get set up with another way to spend money, but you enjoy the trial while it lasts. This is how I feel right know with Riddick.
So we have hung out a couple times; and in those times that we are around each other, they just feel awkward for me. Should I be more affectionate? Or should I not make myself look so desperate and pitiful. Should I just have fun and see where this goes? Or should I try to put some effort to show him that I am interest (even though it is oh-so-obvious)? After recieving enough of his confusing mixed signals, I decided to ask advice from someone I never go to: Jeff.
I would never ask him for advice, but that was when I was still in my "boy-with-a-crush" phase; since I have surpassed that, I decided to get some advice from the smartest person I know. As we were driving, I turned to him and asked him subtlely: "Can I ask you for some advice? I need help."
"Sure baby. What's going on?"
I began to explain my Riddick concerns. I am definitely interested in him, but I am just confused
about our relationship. He cuddles with me, he wants to hang out, we go out drinking and spend time together. Sometimes, I feel like he is showing interest in me, then he says the word: Buddy.
According to a poll of seven people, that's a friend word. When he says that, my little giddy smile
goes away and wakes up to the idea: this might be just a fling. I concluded by saying: "I want to know if I should still pursue this and to know what he wants. Because if he is looking for a friend, then we can stop the sex."
Jeff knew it was time for him to respond. "Stop being impatient and just enjoy it for what it's worth." He counseled. "If he enjoys the time that he spends with you, which I believe he does, then it will happen on its own. But give yourself a goal of how long you want to continue this. Don't tell me a month either, because that's too early to tell."
I decided that I would like to go with the AOL free-trial way: Give him a 90-day free trial. After
the trial is over, he either dates me, or he leaves me. I don't have time to put up with this bullshit and get hurt in the process.
This whole dating scene is just like those free trial packets you get in the mail. You recieve one product to try for free. If you like it, you buy it; if you don't, it goes in the trash, with the rest of the failed trial. This free-trial packet named Riddick is confusing. It's got a nice smell, does wonders for my personality; yet, at the same time, I don't know if I should invest my time and money into this product unless it is showing some serious positive results. Should I use up this trial packet? or should I just move onto a new product?
try it out by screaming "Free". It is a genius way for promoting their product really. You ponder as you sit in front of your laptop/computer whether it will be less space on the hard drive, but you do it anyway. Probably even knowing you might get addicted to using it or get set up with another way to spend money, but you enjoy the trial while it lasts. This is how I feel right know with Riddick.
So we have hung out a couple times; and in those times that we are around each other, they just feel awkward for me. Should I be more affectionate? Or should I not make myself look so desperate and pitiful. Should I just have fun and see where this goes? Or should I try to put some effort to show him that I am interest (even though it is oh-so-obvious)? After recieving enough of his confusing mixed signals, I decided to ask advice from someone I never go to: Jeff.
I would never ask him for advice, but that was when I was still in my "boy-with-a-crush" phase; since I have surpassed that, I decided to get some advice from the smartest person I know. As we were driving, I turned to him and asked him subtlely: "Can I ask you for some advice? I need help."
"Sure baby. What's going on?"
I began to explain my Riddick concerns. I am definitely interested in him, but I am just confused
about our relationship. He cuddles with me, he wants to hang out, we go out drinking and spend time together. Sometimes, I feel like he is showing interest in me, then he says the word: Buddy.
According to a poll of seven people, that's a friend word. When he says that, my little giddy smile
goes away and wakes up to the idea: this might be just a fling. I concluded by saying: "I want to know if I should still pursue this and to know what he wants. Because if he is looking for a friend, then we can stop the sex."
Jeff knew it was time for him to respond. "Stop being impatient and just enjoy it for what it's worth." He counseled. "If he enjoys the time that he spends with you, which I believe he does, then it will happen on its own. But give yourself a goal of how long you want to continue this. Don't tell me a month either, because that's too early to tell."
I decided that I would like to go with the AOL free-trial way: Give him a 90-day free trial. After
the trial is over, he either dates me, or he leaves me. I don't have time to put up with this bullshit and get hurt in the process.
This whole dating scene is just like those free trial packets you get in the mail. You recieve one product to try for free. If you like it, you buy it; if you don't, it goes in the trash, with the rest of the failed trial. This free-trial packet named Riddick is confusing. It's got a nice smell, does wonders for my personality; yet, at the same time, I don't know if I should invest my time and money into this product unless it is showing some serious positive results. Should I use up this trial packet? or should I just move onto a new product?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Stars
When I was dating Jeff, I used to hate what the astrology would say about our relationship: Gemini-Aries. According to astrology, the Gemini-Aries romantic relationship would be short lived, but have the capabilities of developing into a long-term friendship.
I will be honest, it was not easy to get where Jeff and I are at now. But with the arrival of this new year, brought a new me; a "me" that decided to let things from the past go. And to start looking forward into the future. I am dating someone else (he's a Gemini and so far, we're compatable) and I am taking it slow, having fun and enjoying myself with this new guy. I am not putting a name to it yet; according to Jeff, we ARE dating...and I like this guy.
Jeff arrived at our coffeeshop that we normally meet at, the Urban Grind. He also arrived late, another thing I am trying to get used to. I pretend to not notice him walking into the shop, because it makes it seem like I am actually working. I shared some of my tea with him and was catching up on what he has been going on with him since I last seen him. He didn't sound too happy and I could sense something was wrong. Sure, he did tell me his quest for employment is not working too well. But I could sense that he looked more shook up about something else than a consisten paycheck. I asked him to dish what was really going on, and that is where I noticed the change: He told me that he thinks that his boyfriend might be HIV positive.
It's funny how a normal conversation packed with my sarcasm and mockery of everyone in my life can turn serious in just one sentence. I dropped my tea cup back onto the table, placed my hand on his leg, and began to give him my undivided attention. He began to explain why he and his boyfriend think that he might be positive: he is exhibiting all the symptoms related to this virus. He has open sores, night sweats, and other related signs. Jeff told me how worried he was for Joel, his boyfriend. He couldn't sleep at all last night. "I really hope I am wrong this time, but I have seen this before in my brother, and some of the guys I have previously dated." He told me.
I really hope he is wrong too.
It was funny, watching myself change over the four hours with him, change, from last year's story of a boy with a crush on his best friend, to turning into the best friend that I agreed to be two years ago upon our breakup. Then, I decided to challenge him as well: I decided to talk to him about the new guy in my life. And immediately, we both became closer.
As I was talking about this new guy, calling him Riddick for now, his eyes lit up. As if he was proud of how far I have progressed in moving on.
"My other relationships that I have had with other guys have never really stuck like this guy. Except you of course." I explained to Jeff as we were sharing sushi at Ichiban's. "He is the only guy to get me out of a club to cuddle with him while watching 'The Hours.'"
He was smiling and enjoying my company, then he suggested. "We should double date."
I almost accepted the offer. But I still need to check my progress with this guy. So far on the scoreboard, I am earning extra credit for taking care of his cats while he is in Santa Barbara (and this morning, I just cleaned cat vomit from the floor and rug.). Though I am hoping for something with potential with this guy, I am still trying to help integrate into my system: just have fun and don't plan on it. Because that is where I get fucked up.
As I was walking Jeff to his car, I had a sudden epiphany: I was feeling like Joel is family now. Before, I was feeling like I had to fight this guy to get some time with Jeff. But with this HIV scare, I realized that I can't fight someone that is really worried about his life. I beganto ponder how I would react if I were in his shoes. Having my entire life become a battle to stay alive. How close to home this is hitting for me. I couldn't show negative feelings over someone I barely know. Thus giving me the sudden realization that Joel is family too.
Recalling back to the day when Jeff and I read our love horoscope and feeling like my love life was fated in the stars, it did helped me realize one thing. It helped me realize that I had a goal to attain. They are written vaguely for a reason. But as for this relationship I have with my best friend, he has become someone that can always make my day (besides the boyfriend-to-be of course). I cannot ask for anything more right now,but I can hope that things turn out better for his boyfriend. But one can only hope....
I will be honest, it was not easy to get where Jeff and I are at now. But with the arrival of this new year, brought a new me; a "me" that decided to let things from the past go. And to start looking forward into the future. I am dating someone else (he's a Gemini and so far, we're compatable) and I am taking it slow, having fun and enjoying myself with this new guy. I am not putting a name to it yet; according to Jeff, we ARE dating...and I like this guy.
Jeff arrived at our coffeeshop that we normally meet at, the Urban Grind. He also arrived late, another thing I am trying to get used to. I pretend to not notice him walking into the shop, because it makes it seem like I am actually working. I shared some of my tea with him and was catching up on what he has been going on with him since I last seen him. He didn't sound too happy and I could sense something was wrong. Sure, he did tell me his quest for employment is not working too well. But I could sense that he looked more shook up about something else than a consisten paycheck. I asked him to dish what was really going on, and that is where I noticed the change: He told me that he thinks that his boyfriend might be HIV positive.
It's funny how a normal conversation packed with my sarcasm and mockery of everyone in my life can turn serious in just one sentence. I dropped my tea cup back onto the table, placed my hand on his leg, and began to give him my undivided attention. He began to explain why he and his boyfriend think that he might be positive: he is exhibiting all the symptoms related to this virus. He has open sores, night sweats, and other related signs. Jeff told me how worried he was for Joel, his boyfriend. He couldn't sleep at all last night. "I really hope I am wrong this time, but I have seen this before in my brother, and some of the guys I have previously dated." He told me.
I really hope he is wrong too.
It was funny, watching myself change over the four hours with him, change, from last year's story of a boy with a crush on his best friend, to turning into the best friend that I agreed to be two years ago upon our breakup. Then, I decided to challenge him as well: I decided to talk to him about the new guy in my life. And immediately, we both became closer.
As I was talking about this new guy, calling him Riddick for now, his eyes lit up. As if he was proud of how far I have progressed in moving on.
"My other relationships that I have had with other guys have never really stuck like this guy. Except you of course." I explained to Jeff as we were sharing sushi at Ichiban's. "He is the only guy to get me out of a club to cuddle with him while watching 'The Hours.'"
He was smiling and enjoying my company, then he suggested. "We should double date."
I almost accepted the offer. But I still need to check my progress with this guy. So far on the scoreboard, I am earning extra credit for taking care of his cats while he is in Santa Barbara (and this morning, I just cleaned cat vomit from the floor and rug.). Though I am hoping for something with potential with this guy, I am still trying to help integrate into my system: just have fun and don't plan on it. Because that is where I get fucked up.
As I was walking Jeff to his car, I had a sudden epiphany: I was feeling like Joel is family now. Before, I was feeling like I had to fight this guy to get some time with Jeff. But with this HIV scare, I realized that I can't fight someone that is really worried about his life. I beganto ponder how I would react if I were in his shoes. Having my entire life become a battle to stay alive. How close to home this is hitting for me. I couldn't show negative feelings over someone I barely know. Thus giving me the sudden realization that Joel is family too.
Recalling back to the day when Jeff and I read our love horoscope and feeling like my love life was fated in the stars, it did helped me realize one thing. It helped me realize that I had a goal to attain. They are written vaguely for a reason. But as for this relationship I have with my best friend, he has become someone that can always make my day (besides the boyfriend-to-be of course). I cannot ask for anything more right now,but I can hope that things turn out better for his boyfriend. But one can only hope....
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Delta
Delta. A Greek symbol that has several different meanings. For everyone that passed kindergarten, it is a triangle (depends on how you draw it, it is an equilateral triangle. But then again, you could be sloppy and make it an isosceles.) In geographical terms, it represents a piece of land that splits a river in two. In aeronautics, Delta represents the airline that charges extra money to be more comfortable in their already uncomfortable planes. However, in Chemistry, it has a special significance: it represents change. It can also represent entropy, but we are SO not getting into that right now.
The drag queen screams her head off as she screams "Happy New Year" in the club. The ballons fall down, the champagne glasses tilt up, everyone's already drunken stupor becomes more distant from their sobriety, couple's lips connect to welcome the new year with a kiss. In the middle of all of that stands Pablo, watching it all with a smile.
I chose to be alone. Sure, I was invited to several parties, but I did not want to go. Yes, it may seem sad that I would want to experience the dawn of a new year by myself; but to be honest, I wanted to bring in the new year in celebration of making it through the three hundred and sixty five days of extreme tribulation.
As soon as the black and white ballons fell down, the frown I had inside me lifted up. A new year. A chance to start over. For the past two years, I brought in the New Year with Jeff, bringing our problems into the New Year like a baby with a loaded diaper. I needed to change. I needed to get out of living a dream that will never happen and start to live my own dream: getting a career and starting over.
My New Years Resolution: To not put up with people's bullshit. 2. To be more honest with people. 3. To stop living in fantasy and live my dream.
I don't look back on that year with regret. To be honest, I am glad I experienced it. I am not going to look back on the bad times that I faced; I am going to look at that year at the lessons learned and how much I have matured in that year.
So I am welcoming the delta's in my life. Welcoming the changes that are bound to happen in my life. Sure, times will get tough at times, but I know that things are changing this year. I feel better knowing that it's 2009.
The drag queen screams her head off as she screams "Happy New Year" in the club. The ballons fall down, the champagne glasses tilt up, everyone's already drunken stupor becomes more distant from their sobriety, couple's lips connect to welcome the new year with a kiss. In the middle of all of that stands Pablo, watching it all with a smile.
I chose to be alone. Sure, I was invited to several parties, but I did not want to go. Yes, it may seem sad that I would want to experience the dawn of a new year by myself; but to be honest, I wanted to bring in the new year in celebration of making it through the three hundred and sixty five days of extreme tribulation.
As soon as the black and white ballons fell down, the frown I had inside me lifted up. A new year. A chance to start over. For the past two years, I brought in the New Year with Jeff, bringing our problems into the New Year like a baby with a loaded diaper. I needed to change. I needed to get out of living a dream that will never happen and start to live my own dream: getting a career and starting over.
My New Years Resolution: To not put up with people's bullshit. 2. To be more honest with people. 3. To stop living in fantasy and live my dream.
I don't look back on that year with regret. To be honest, I am glad I experienced it. I am not going to look back on the bad times that I faced; I am going to look at that year at the lessons learned and how much I have matured in that year.
So I am welcoming the delta's in my life. Welcoming the changes that are bound to happen in my life. Sure, times will get tough at times, but I know that things are changing this year. I feel better knowing that it's 2009.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
