Finding the Killswitch

Defense mechanisms. We all have them. They are like car alarms that go off in our bodies that prevent us from being injured. If you are punched hard enough, you black out to prevent your brain from getting damaged. The same can be said when you go under a comatose state. It is like the mother inside of our bodies telling us we have had enough pain, or enough liquor in our bodies. Animals have them too. A cat coughs up a hairball because their stomach doesn't see the nutrition value in their body. Bottom line, our body initiates our defense mechanisms because they are looking out for our safety.

Emotionally, we have defense mechanisms. After enduring enough heartache, our bodies is turned off to the idea of romance or anything that could lead to our heart getting stomped on again...well, at least mine is. Yet, in spite of all the pain that I have experienced emotionally, a part of me just wants to man-up and get over it and move on with my life. Trying to expose my heart again so no one else can see how I truly am Class A Damaged Goods. For two weeks, I have been fighting the good and evil side of me to allow myself to love someone. As a person that has been hurt, the question then arises: Do emotional defense mechanisms have a killswitch?

Two weeks ago, I met this guy named...Brody... we started talking and I gave him my number to give me a call. I was driving around, making my best attempts to find a job and get out of the house, when I recieved a text message from him. After passing text messages back and forth, I come to find out that he lives 3 blocks away from me. Within a couple more text messages, I was making my way to his house.

Waiting outside of his house, I see him walking over to my car. Now, let me paint the picture for you. It is night, and the only light that is nearby is an orange street light. So I really didn't get a good image of this guy, all I saw were muscles and a warm smile...and that was enough for me to get out of the car to greet him. When I approached him, I was able to see more of his appearance and image. The inviting smell of cologne, his clean appearance, and his calm soothing voice.

We made our way into his room, where the walls were draped with vines as wall paper. Everything around the room was just so inviting. The artwork and pots that were placed around the room, the couch, the bed, everything was just so warm.

We began to talk about our interests and just about things that inspire us. I came to find out that he is an artist and creates pots. He pulls them out and began to show me his handiwork. I have never had an interest in pottery before, but looking at the amount of work that he put into making a pot as beautiful as it did just peaked my interest. Then he said something that suddenly hypnotized me into everything he had to say after that: "In Japanese Tradition, a pot is considered to be a person's most valued possession. To have a host show his pots to his guest would mean that he took a great liking to his guest." Okay, seriously, it was the most intelligent thing anyone has ever said said to me. If it was a pick-up line, it was the best I ever heard.

Then he moves closer to me, smiling warmly at me again. A sudden rise of silence hit the room as we were staring at each other. "Is it wrong to confess that I want to kiss you?" He suggested to me.
"Not at all. Unless you're straight. But what's stopping you?" I replied.
"I don't want this conversation to end."
I began to move myself closer to his lips. "Who said this conversation was going to stop?"
Then rowr! That is what started Brody and Pablo's story.

Normally, defense mechanisms are triggered when something is posing a threat to damage the victim. Like skunks, when they feel like they are going to be attacked, let out a nasty smell. Emotionally, when my heart feels like it might be hurt by another person, my guard comes up. I have been hurt too many times to let another person mess with me.

For two weeks, we spent a great deal of time together. I began to really enjoy our time together. He even spent some time with some of my friends who thought he was a pretty cool guy. I thought so too. Spending time with him was proving to me that my defense mechanisms might have been broken down. I felt like the botulism, that I had mention a couple blogs ago, had finally gone away. Then came the relapse.

After my first breakup, the hopeless romantic side of me fell away. I stopped believing in setting the mood and making some events special. Those moments are reserved for shows like and The O.C. and 90210 to boost ratings. With Brody, he would make some moments special. I wouldn't really expect it, and when it came along. My defense mechanism started to set in. I didn't want it to happen, because I really wanted to care for this guy. But then my body would remind me, while dreaming in REM cycles, just how much hurt I have gone through and what a mistake it would be if I were to commit myself to him.

Since I was unemployed up until last Friday, I gave myself alot of time to think about Brody. I really liked how he would make me feel so important, I would really enjoy alot of things that are about him; however, on the other hand, I was afraid that I was tabling my problems that I had still yet to resolve. I was like a patient that was still sick and figured he could leave the hospital that he was confined to and just rely on the pills to make himself better. The pills aren't working and it's time to re-admit myself back into the hospital to endure more tests and recovery.

I really wish I could just make a quick recovery and be in a relationship with someone that I care about. But, I guess, in this natural form of discoveries, I realized that I just am not ready to commit myself to someone yet until I am secure within myself. I don't want to be someone's hot ghetto mess to deal with. They really don't deserve that.

In this world and the natural process of things, there is no way to make a quick recovery from a broken heart and there is no way to find a killswitch to your body's defense mechanism. Your body knows what's best for you and sometimes you have to trust it's instincts. To make myself better, I had to sacrifice something that was important to me: a guy that believed in me, just so I could make myself better. I don't know what's in the future, but I really hope that I could make a better recovery so I can help myself to move forward in things that can finally make myself happy.