I received a fortune for purchasing mainstream Chinese from a place called Panda Express. It's funny how you can spend a small amount of money and they will hand out fortune to anyone that treads within this place.
Fortune cookies became popular in California by Japanese immigrants living in San Francisco. It was derived from China in the fourteenth century during the invasion of the Mongols. A man by the name of Chu Yuan Chang decided to relay messages to people to form an uprising against the Mongol army, so he inserted messages made from rice papers in the center of a dessert called moon cakes. Since the Mongols never ate the yolk, they were completely clueless of what was going on. Hence, an uprising went down and the Mongols were chased out of China. To this day, this honorary act is now known in China as the Moon Festival. People would pass out moon cakes to each other in remembrance of hard times.
Now it is not sure whether or not these moon cakes were the inspiriation of today's fortune cookie, but it was a damn good story to tell in order to segue to my next point. After eating my two-entree plate and protein shake, I got to my favorite part: the fortune cookie. I normally snap it in half and eat half-by-half until it I am left with the paper. Normally, I never read what is written, because it says stupid vague things like: "You are going to do something different today"; or "You are going to order another two-entree plate because Panda Express is chinese for Yummy." But today, I decided to really read what it said. Instead of throwing it away, it now rests on the dashboard to my Honda.
The fortune cookie said: "The Road to Glory may be rocky, but it will be worth it." It was the inspiration that I needed as I was engorging myself in chow mein and orange chicken. It was the inspiration that I needed as life was throwing me so many curve balls.
This year has been the most challenging year to date. So many obstacles I had to cross to get to December 31st, 2008. To be honest, I am ready to let this year go. But in these past 365 days, I have grown tremendously. Sure, a trial may be a bitch most of the time; and yes, I may write three or four blogs bitching about it. But when it all boils down, they are only growing pains.
A teething child cries when enduring the arrival of his new pearly-whites; in the same manner, I have endured my major growing pains that is needed to grow up and become more independent and learn to trust myself more than I trust other people at times.
Romantically: After dating several different guys this year, I found out two different things. To enjoy the times that I have while being single. Learning how to laugh on my own or with friends around me is a very healthy thing for me. I don't NEED a boyfriend, I just WANT one to feel wanted.
The second thing I learned in my romantic facet to my life is that I have the ability to allow someone else into my life and give them a chance as much as I did with Jeff. I remember when Jeff and I talked one night how he told me that this will happen. I was completely skeptical that this was even possible. How funny how it is happening now.
Automobile: I learned to let go of my truck after that freak accident that happened on graduation day that almost killed me (see One Hundred and Twenty Frames per Second). And I bought a new car that I had to change three tires, a muffler, a battery, and the car alarm. Learning how to take better care of my vehicles was one thing I could say I learned here.
Family: Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Funny how I happen to live with both at the same time. My mom loves me (and my dad still does to an extent) but they are still determined to make me pay for living a "sinful" life.
I know I have grown alot over this year, and if you have been reading my blogs, you would disagree that I am still the lovesick puppy that I still pining over his life and hating his life. But I am just writing this blog to vent out and keep my writing craft still amazing. Throwing in puns, double entendres, and all my amazing hotness all over your ass.
So here's to 2008. I can't wait for it to be over and can't wait to see what 2009 beholds. Hopefully, a job I like, a place I can be as gay as I want, or possibly a boyfriend that won't stop dating because he has a trouble with "commitment."
But either way, the road to glory is going to be hard still, but hopefully things can turn out so I can stop bitching. Because, I am certain you are tired of hearing it.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Commitment...or Lack of One
Tension builds. Stress rises within my body with every bumping beat resonating in the club. Hips sway like a pendulum in a grandfather clock as each minute passes...oh so slowly. People begin to crowd the dance floor knowing that the later the night goes on, the better the music gets. While dancing, fighting for my space to show off my moves, I began to search the room for familiar faces. Especially one in particular, the reason why the stress has been building.
Three nights ago, on a Tuesday, I hung out with Jeff. He told me that he was going out clubbing on Friday with his boyfriend. I told him I was going to be there and couldn't wait to see the two of them at the club. I hung out with him and caught up with him on his latest drama and petty fights as I laughed, as always, at his boyfriend's expense. Then I got a call from the guy I was writing about in the last entry. For the sake of him possibly reading this, let's call him Dakota.
So I bought dinner for both Dakota and I, since he is gluten-intolerant, his order had to be done right. I got into a minor argument with the guy making our food and told him how he needed to do it right due to my friend's condition. I drove to Oceanside, where he was staying in a little cottage for a week. His family rented it out for the week that his parents would be in town. We never really made it to cottage because the people in charge of security wouldn't let him on the property. I almost got out of the car because the guards were being complete assholes to Dakota. So we ended up driving back to his house in Hillcrest to spend the rest of our time together.
We arrived at his house and sat down watching Family Guy while eating our now-cold dinner. He began to ask me how my day was and making sure I was doing okay.
Sigh.
Then we began to pass the time by playing a card game called Rummy. I have never played it. But it was really fun learning it from a hot guy like him. He whooped my ass a couple times before he decided to head back up to Oceanside to talk to his brother about letting him onto the property. At the time, his brother was picking his parents up in Ontario. His brother finally called him and he was going to let him back on once they got back. Dakota said he would meet them. He walked me to my car as we were braving the now-falling rain. He kissed me and told me that he will be with his parents until the 30th.
A couple days later, I started to get nervous about running into Jeff at the club with his boyfriend, I texted Dakota to see what he was doing Friday night. I didn't want to be alone while facing Jeff and his boyfriend. I wanted to make sure I looked good, and having Dakota there with me clubbing would make me look way hot, and not looking like some desperate slut in love with my best friend. Five minutes passed and he told me that he was going to be with his parents and that he couldn't make it. I wasn't upset, I was more nervous that I might get emotional and act like those girls do when they see their ex-boyfriend marrying someone else at a wedding. That would only give Jeff's boyfriend the satisfaction that he is hurting me. If there is anything I refuse to give, it's that guy's satisfaction in hurting me. I am better than that.
Dakota called me on Christmas day and was checking up on me. I almost wet my pants. It was one of the two best gifts I got for Christmas. The other great gift was Jeff's text message telling me Merry Christmas. But Dakota won because he called me and was making sure I am doing all right.
So Friday rolls on towards evening. I walk into the club. Ready for the worst. If I am going to be the strong person and fight for my best friend, I am not going to let what happens get to me. I told myself. If his boyfriend wants to raise hell and act like the jealous boyfriend and taunt me, I don't mind slugging him into 2010.
So the tension is rising, like a pending orgasm. The fog sprays out of the wall and blankets the crowd, my eyes are peeled for Jeff to arrive. 11:00...the crowds begin to pour onto the dance floor. I begin to let go of my nervousness and have fun with it all. He could end up being a good guy. I thought to myself. We could be good friends if he stops being some bitch ass that thinks Jeff is going to leave him. So I began to get excited in seeing them.
11:35. Maybe they're coming at 12. Maybe they are at the Flame then coming over here when it's at its peak hour. That's understandable. I will wait. I am patient. I will hug his boyfriend when I see them and act the complete opposite of what they expect of me.
12:35. I was starting to get pissed. Jeff told me that he would go with or without his stupid ass boyfriend. He is definitely whipped by his possessive boyfriend. I swear I am going to kick that guy's sorry Latino ass.
So the night ends with Jeff not even arriving at the club, not even sending me a text message, no apology. Tension built, stress rose for no reason. That pending orgasm turns into blue balls and leaves me in a cranky mood. For the first time, I was getting fed up with one thing: Jeff's lack of following through.
Maybe those two do deserve each other. Two people that really don't know what the fuck is going on in their life, but will fuck each other until something happens. Two people that fear a lack of commitment but will pretend to be in one just to keep their self-appreciation intact. I just don't get it anymore. Jeff never really follows through with things. And he is really not following through this time. Maybe two negatives do equal a positive relationship in spite of all the clashes that they experience almost everyday. But bottom line: I am starting to get fed up with his bullshit. His lack of following through with something, or any person for that matter, is something that does not fly well with me.
Normally, I would just let it slide and understand his reasoning later. But there is only so much you can endure before you get to that breaking point where you just want to smack some sense into the bitch.
I really hope Dakota follows through, unlike Jeff. Because I really don't know about San Diego boys anymore. I need to hurry up and move up to LA. Because all this bullshit I deal with in San Diego is really starting to get to me.
Three nights ago, on a Tuesday, I hung out with Jeff. He told me that he was going out clubbing on Friday with his boyfriend. I told him I was going to be there and couldn't wait to see the two of them at the club. I hung out with him and caught up with him on his latest drama and petty fights as I laughed, as always, at his boyfriend's expense. Then I got a call from the guy I was writing about in the last entry. For the sake of him possibly reading this, let's call him Dakota.
So I bought dinner for both Dakota and I, since he is gluten-intolerant, his order had to be done right. I got into a minor argument with the guy making our food and told him how he needed to do it right due to my friend's condition. I drove to Oceanside, where he was staying in a little cottage for a week. His family rented it out for the week that his parents would be in town. We never really made it to cottage because the people in charge of security wouldn't let him on the property. I almost got out of the car because the guards were being complete assholes to Dakota. So we ended up driving back to his house in Hillcrest to spend the rest of our time together.
We arrived at his house and sat down watching Family Guy while eating our now-cold dinner. He began to ask me how my day was and making sure I was doing okay.
Sigh.
Then we began to pass the time by playing a card game called Rummy. I have never played it. But it was really fun learning it from a hot guy like him. He whooped my ass a couple times before he decided to head back up to Oceanside to talk to his brother about letting him onto the property. At the time, his brother was picking his parents up in Ontario. His brother finally called him and he was going to let him back on once they got back. Dakota said he would meet them. He walked me to my car as we were braving the now-falling rain. He kissed me and told me that he will be with his parents until the 30th.
A couple days later, I started to get nervous about running into Jeff at the club with his boyfriend, I texted Dakota to see what he was doing Friday night. I didn't want to be alone while facing Jeff and his boyfriend. I wanted to make sure I looked good, and having Dakota there with me clubbing would make me look way hot, and not looking like some desperate slut in love with my best friend. Five minutes passed and he told me that he was going to be with his parents and that he couldn't make it. I wasn't upset, I was more nervous that I might get emotional and act like those girls do when they see their ex-boyfriend marrying someone else at a wedding. That would only give Jeff's boyfriend the satisfaction that he is hurting me. If there is anything I refuse to give, it's that guy's satisfaction in hurting me. I am better than that.
Dakota called me on Christmas day and was checking up on me. I almost wet my pants. It was one of the two best gifts I got for Christmas. The other great gift was Jeff's text message telling me Merry Christmas. But Dakota won because he called me and was making sure I am doing all right.
So Friday rolls on towards evening. I walk into the club. Ready for the worst. If I am going to be the strong person and fight for my best friend, I am not going to let what happens get to me. I told myself. If his boyfriend wants to raise hell and act like the jealous boyfriend and taunt me, I don't mind slugging him into 2010.
So the tension is rising, like a pending orgasm. The fog sprays out of the wall and blankets the crowd, my eyes are peeled for Jeff to arrive. 11:00...the crowds begin to pour onto the dance floor. I begin to let go of my nervousness and have fun with it all. He could end up being a good guy. I thought to myself. We could be good friends if he stops being some bitch ass that thinks Jeff is going to leave him. So I began to get excited in seeing them.
11:35. Maybe they're coming at 12. Maybe they are at the Flame then coming over here when it's at its peak hour. That's understandable. I will wait. I am patient. I will hug his boyfriend when I see them and act the complete opposite of what they expect of me.
12:35. I was starting to get pissed. Jeff told me that he would go with or without his stupid ass boyfriend. He is definitely whipped by his possessive boyfriend. I swear I am going to kick that guy's sorry Latino ass.
So the night ends with Jeff not even arriving at the club, not even sending me a text message, no apology. Tension built, stress rose for no reason. That pending orgasm turns into blue balls and leaves me in a cranky mood. For the first time, I was getting fed up with one thing: Jeff's lack of following through.
Maybe those two do deserve each other. Two people that really don't know what the fuck is going on in their life, but will fuck each other until something happens. Two people that fear a lack of commitment but will pretend to be in one just to keep their self-appreciation intact. I just don't get it anymore. Jeff never really follows through with things. And he is really not following through this time. Maybe two negatives do equal a positive relationship in spite of all the clashes that they experience almost everyday. But bottom line: I am starting to get fed up with his bullshit. His lack of following through with something, or any person for that matter, is something that does not fly well with me.
Normally, I would just let it slide and understand his reasoning later. But there is only so much you can endure before you get to that breaking point where you just want to smack some sense into the bitch.
I really hope Dakota follows through, unlike Jeff. Because I really don't know about San Diego boys anymore. I need to hurry up and move up to LA. Because all this bullshit I deal with in San Diego is really starting to get to me.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Life in the Emergency Room
Life is like an emergency room. A fast-paced environment where the doctors, otherwise known as your conscience, your spiritual (if any) and your personality, are responsible for taking care of the drama that arises in the operating room within the hospital of your soul. Some dramas are serious, lots of blood, guts, and tears are shed as the three doctors of your life take over and try to fix the situation to the best of their ability. Sometimes, our intuition bursts through the ER and get in the way of the doctors in their attempts to try to be close to the victim. But the doctors and nurses, otherwise noted as our past experiences, excuse them to wait in the waiting room.
Suddenly, on a winter's eve, there arrives a victim. The EMT escorts him into the ER as the doctors arrive and get the initial report of the EMT's observations. They escort this victim into the Operating room one as they escort the corpse resting there out. They hoist the victim from the gurney onto the table. The victim appears to have severe dymentia, unsure of where he is and skepticalof what happened moments before he was taken away in the ambulance.
"Why am I here? WHat is going on?" Says the victim on the table. The doctors begin to examine him for any physical signs of trauma. But this is where the weird part of it comes in: this victim doesn't have any signs of trauma, he is just straight-up crazy. All three doctors sit and stare, wondering what is going on and what they could do to solve this situation. Was it a false alarm? Was it an audit to test the practice within the hospital? Why the hell is this fool in here if nothing is apparantly wrong with him? Then he begins to talk about this new boy that he is hanging out with on a regular basis and they know what's going on: he is just lovestruck.
Who knew that one day my life would change again...when I least expected it. Feeling for a boy again. My heart beats again. It's like I am starting to get a pulse again. I forgot I even had life in me. Someone had opened up this guard that I held myself under, grabbed the internal paddles, massaged my heart, and shocked my heart back to life. I thought this feeling was always going to be with Jeff. But now, Jeff has got competition. Because this guy has got my heart wrapped around his finger now.
It's like I have a bond with a patient with the doctor that just saved his life: gratitude for giving him another chance to live at life. My feelings with this guy are growing, I don't know if this is a good or bad thing; but one thing that is for certain: I am falling for him.
I don't know where it happened (I mean the sex did help me know that we are compatible in that area, but there were so many other areas that helped more). Maybe it was our mutual appreciation for dramatic films, or perhaps it was our appreciation and experience in stringed instruments, or it is possible that it was the fact that we are both Gemini's. After the first encounter, I was certain of one thing: I changed.
Earlier that day, as the rain was falling, I was hating everything, depressed how my life was turning out and wondering if I had made a mistake. Then suddenly, I get invited to the nightingale suites and I was singing a completely different tune.
Understanding that life is going to be different is a good thing. I have someone to talk to hang out with again. I missed hanging with Jeff, but maybe it was for the best so I leave him alone to his man. Maybe people leave so that you could leave room for another. Maybe the relationship between Jeff was put in ICU under the diagnosis of: comatose with little to no chance of return. Like being in an emergency room, once something becomes out of the control of the doctors, they transfer them to the appropriate ward and wheel in the next patient that needs attention. But until the doctors know what to do with this heart of mine, I am still stuck in the operating room, under close observation and wondering when I am going to get out of here, because the gown they gave me protect my ass from the cold metal table.
Suddenly, on a winter's eve, there arrives a victim. The EMT escorts him into the ER as the doctors arrive and get the initial report of the EMT's observations. They escort this victim into the Operating room one as they escort the corpse resting there out. They hoist the victim from the gurney onto the table. The victim appears to have severe dymentia, unsure of where he is and skepticalof what happened moments before he was taken away in the ambulance.
"Why am I here? WHat is going on?" Says the victim on the table. The doctors begin to examine him for any physical signs of trauma. But this is where the weird part of it comes in: this victim doesn't have any signs of trauma, he is just straight-up crazy. All three doctors sit and stare, wondering what is going on and what they could do to solve this situation. Was it a false alarm? Was it an audit to test the practice within the hospital? Why the hell is this fool in here if nothing is apparantly wrong with him? Then he begins to talk about this new boy that he is hanging out with on a regular basis and they know what's going on: he is just lovestruck.
Who knew that one day my life would change again...when I least expected it. Feeling for a boy again. My heart beats again. It's like I am starting to get a pulse again. I forgot I even had life in me. Someone had opened up this guard that I held myself under, grabbed the internal paddles, massaged my heart, and shocked my heart back to life. I thought this feeling was always going to be with Jeff. But now, Jeff has got competition. Because this guy has got my heart wrapped around his finger now.
It's like I have a bond with a patient with the doctor that just saved his life: gratitude for giving him another chance to live at life. My feelings with this guy are growing, I don't know if this is a good or bad thing; but one thing that is for certain: I am falling for him.
I don't know where it happened (I mean the sex did help me know that we are compatible in that area, but there were so many other areas that helped more). Maybe it was our mutual appreciation for dramatic films, or perhaps it was our appreciation and experience in stringed instruments, or it is possible that it was the fact that we are both Gemini's. After the first encounter, I was certain of one thing: I changed.
Earlier that day, as the rain was falling, I was hating everything, depressed how my life was turning out and wondering if I had made a mistake. Then suddenly, I get invited to the nightingale suites and I was singing a completely different tune.
Understanding that life is going to be different is a good thing. I have someone to talk to hang out with again. I missed hanging with Jeff, but maybe it was for the best so I leave him alone to his man. Maybe people leave so that you could leave room for another. Maybe the relationship between Jeff was put in ICU under the diagnosis of: comatose with little to no chance of return. Like being in an emergency room, once something becomes out of the control of the doctors, they transfer them to the appropriate ward and wheel in the next patient that needs attention. But until the doctors know what to do with this heart of mine, I am still stuck in the operating room, under close observation and wondering when I am going to get out of here, because the gown they gave me protect my ass from the cold metal table.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
When the rain falls...
I had a dream last night that Joel tried to kill me. He was chasing me throughout the house that we were confined in, I was dodging every blow he tried to throw at me, every bullet he tried to shoot, every strike of the knife he tried to stab; it was no use to him. I was scared that my life was going to end this way. Joel eventually gave up and started crying. Instead of running away and finding safety, I walked up to him and put my hand on his back to comfort him.
"No matter what I do," he told me, "Jeff will never love me as much as he loves you."
Well, duh.
No, I did not say that. I reminded him that we are the two most important people in his life, and that Joel is Jeff's boyfriend because he sees something in you that makes him weak. Something that makes him bring his guard down. Something that I didn't have. I have understood all of that. So why does it still hurt?
In every relationship that I have attempted and been in, I have always been the "friend" that they will cherish forever. I am everyone's little gem. I don't understand this. If I was everyone's little gem, then why am I not the jewel that they want to flash and show off to everybody?
When I was trying to be straight once upon a time, every girl that I talked to told me this. Then they go off in a relationship with a guy that treated them like crap. Back when I cared, I would wonder if this is what women really wanted: someone that treats them like crap and makes them feel bad about themselves.
Many years later, in the gay world, I feel like I am never really good enough for anyone. And the people that drool over me are people that I just cannot be myself with, cannot be happy with.
Once upon a relationship, Jeff called me his best-kept secret. He told me that I am such a catch that any man that had me in his life would be completely happy. I have a good soul, a good heart. He is afraid that one day, someone is going to find out about this little secret and take him away from him. And then, only then, will he truly regret not being able to open himself up to me. It was at that moment that I cried. It was truly the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Before I met Jeff, I really felt like no one really cared about me, like no one could ever love me as much as I loved them. When Jeff and I were dating, I felt like I could actually wake up in the morning and get out of bed in excitement of what the day holds for me. Because no matter how bad the day was going to turn out, I was still going to see the love of my life after he gets off work. Now, I don't have that, I just have me to wake up to. This town that I live in has just me now. I don't have him closeby anymore.
I know I need to be strong, and stop complaining. He left me months before he even moved. I just held onto the possibility of: "if...." But I get contemplative when the rain falls. It is raining like a total bitch out there today and I am inside watching it fall. That's the thing with rain, when it is falling, no one wants to be outside to feel it fall, we would all rather keep ourselves inside where it is dry, warm, and with everyone else.
I can't explain why I get contemplative, maybe it is the beautiful ambience of hearing the drops of rain colliding with the asphalt, or the feeling of security, or maybe it is just the inner goth in me; but in times like these, I wonder where my life is going and what the next step holds for me and what I need to do to get there.
I know the next step is to move up to LA. I know I need to save up money, but it seems that whenever I have the drive to do so, something in my life happens that steals all my money. Recently, I got paid pretty well, and it is all going to get my muffler fixed, paying off a bogus bill from the my former medical insurance, and having to pay off my student loans as well as my credit card. There goes 600 right there.
I just have no idea what God is possibly doing with my life. Does he really want me to stay at my parents house until I turn 30? I don't fucking think so. It's bad enough I serve coffee to those people as they sit there with their friends and play "Dungeons and Dragons" until we close. Maybe I should just move up there and hope for the best. Pray for a fucking miracle. Because if I stay here any longer, I will only be hurt more and see Jeff settling with someone else while I am stuck here. Watching everyone's life pass before me, while I am here. Hating every aspect of my life.
See what happens when the rain falls? As much as I love it, it makes me yearn for things that are not even possible. Makes me believe in the possibility that one day, the rain will stop falling on me.
"No matter what I do," he told me, "Jeff will never love me as much as he loves you."
Well, duh.
No, I did not say that. I reminded him that we are the two most important people in his life, and that Joel is Jeff's boyfriend because he sees something in you that makes him weak. Something that makes him bring his guard down. Something that I didn't have. I have understood all of that. So why does it still hurt?
In every relationship that I have attempted and been in, I have always been the "friend" that they will cherish forever. I am everyone's little gem. I don't understand this. If I was everyone's little gem, then why am I not the jewel that they want to flash and show off to everybody?
When I was trying to be straight once upon a time, every girl that I talked to told me this. Then they go off in a relationship with a guy that treated them like crap. Back when I cared, I would wonder if this is what women really wanted: someone that treats them like crap and makes them feel bad about themselves.
Many years later, in the gay world, I feel like I am never really good enough for anyone. And the people that drool over me are people that I just cannot be myself with, cannot be happy with.
Once upon a relationship, Jeff called me his best-kept secret. He told me that I am such a catch that any man that had me in his life would be completely happy. I have a good soul, a good heart. He is afraid that one day, someone is going to find out about this little secret and take him away from him. And then, only then, will he truly regret not being able to open himself up to me. It was at that moment that I cried. It was truly the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Before I met Jeff, I really felt like no one really cared about me, like no one could ever love me as much as I loved them. When Jeff and I were dating, I felt like I could actually wake up in the morning and get out of bed in excitement of what the day holds for me. Because no matter how bad the day was going to turn out, I was still going to see the love of my life after he gets off work. Now, I don't have that, I just have me to wake up to. This town that I live in has just me now. I don't have him closeby anymore.
I know I need to be strong, and stop complaining. He left me months before he even moved. I just held onto the possibility of: "if...." But I get contemplative when the rain falls. It is raining like a total bitch out there today and I am inside watching it fall. That's the thing with rain, when it is falling, no one wants to be outside to feel it fall, we would all rather keep ourselves inside where it is dry, warm, and with everyone else.
I can't explain why I get contemplative, maybe it is the beautiful ambience of hearing the drops of rain colliding with the asphalt, or the feeling of security, or maybe it is just the inner goth in me; but in times like these, I wonder where my life is going and what the next step holds for me and what I need to do to get there.
I know the next step is to move up to LA. I know I need to save up money, but it seems that whenever I have the drive to do so, something in my life happens that steals all my money. Recently, I got paid pretty well, and it is all going to get my muffler fixed, paying off a bogus bill from the my former medical insurance, and having to pay off my student loans as well as my credit card. There goes 600 right there.
I just have no idea what God is possibly doing with my life. Does he really want me to stay at my parents house until I turn 30? I don't fucking think so. It's bad enough I serve coffee to those people as they sit there with their friends and play "Dungeons and Dragons" until we close. Maybe I should just move up there and hope for the best. Pray for a fucking miracle. Because if I stay here any longer, I will only be hurt more and see Jeff settling with someone else while I am stuck here. Watching everyone's life pass before me, while I am here. Hating every aspect of my life.
See what happens when the rain falls? As much as I love it, it makes me yearn for things that are not even possible. Makes me believe in the possibility that one day, the rain will stop falling on me.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Edie's War
Desperate Housewives. I love this show. It is a show that follows the lives of six different women living on Wisteria Lane and their interactions with each other. The main premise of the show always draws the audience: Everyone has their dirty laundry.
This show has become everyone's guilty pleasure show. I say, why even feel guilty watching this show? It's amazing watching some of these women outwit their competitors and neighbors. For a time, there was one housewife (my personal favorite) that would always ruin everything for everyone. Her name is Edie Britt.
Edie was, for a time, the Wisteria Lane ho. She would shack up with other women's husbands or just make everyone's life difficult with a little blackmail. I love her because she speaks honest when other women are dancing around the issue. She is able to face reality at times with little sympathy to whom she comes in contact with.
Now, I am only three episodes into season five, but I have a question for Edie: What does she do when she finally gets competition? For a time, she did have competition with Susan over Mike Delfino, but Susan is a ditz and at times, had no idea what she was doing.
Last night, I finally met my match. My rival. The look in his eyes sent a message, and it said: The War's on Bitch. The only problem is, I don't want to fight this guy. If I win, I might lose something; but if I lose, I will lose it anyway. I want to get along with him, be his friend, but all he wants to do so far is fight.
Driving to San Diego, I was a nervous wreck. In the passenger seat, an unopened bottle of Pinot Noir. I was texting this new guy named Chris, we have been texting non-stop for the past two days and I have really grown fond of this guy, but I was texting him now because I was nervous as hell. I started texting every man, woman, and child on my phone, telling them where I was going. They were all really nervous for me but telling me how brave I am for doing it.
City Heights. My phone's GPS told me I was in the right area and that it should be on the left side of the street five hundred feet ahead of me. The houses on this street were ghetto. Some had old beaten up cars on the grass, old popcorn kiosks you see at the street fairs, and little children wearing t-shirts that advertised movies that came out ten years ago.
Walking five hundred feet, my GPS told me I had made it to my destination on the left. I looked to the left to see a house that has seen better days. It was blue (lots of sun damage made to this house), and there was a fence with wild plants coming out and trying to hide the house, as if embarrased to be growing there. I texted him and told him I am here. I couldn't believe he lives here. He spent all that money on a piece of shit house like this. Luckily, I looked over the next block to see him poking his head out of the gate looking for me. I exhaled a sigh of relief and made my way down the street towards him.
Every step I made towards him, I became more and more nervous. This is how life was going to be for us for a while, and I can't do anything about it. Be strong. I told myself as I took some deep breaths. Don't you fucking cry.
I greeted him with a smile and excitement as I seen him. It had been a week since I last seen him, I missed him. Jeff smiled back at me as he stood proudly in front of his studio complex. In comparison to the other places on the street, it looked really nice. It was by far, the nicest structure on the block. He stood in front of the gate as I hugged him. He opened up the wooden gate to his complex and let me in.
I handed him the Pinot Noir as a housewarming gift for both him and Joel. He accepted it and thanked me as he put the keys into his studio. Here we go. I thought, bracing my emotions for yet another roller coaster in my life.
Jeff's studio was SO CUTE! I was surprised how nice it was. Everything was arranged so well and was decorated very nicely. I tried to not look at the bed having two pairs of pillows; but it was in the middle of the room, so it was inevitable. They had a kitchen with granite countertops and nice beautiful tiles for the floor. The closet was a walk-in. Once I got the grand tour of the place, all I could say was: I am really happy for you! He did a good job.
We started talking while Alicia Keys was singing on the iPod, catching up on each other's lives while he was slamming a Rockstar before the gym. Then he said this to me: I really hope you can make your way down here like two or three times a week, so we can go to the gym and because you're down here anyway.
He was hugging me, as if sad, I couldn't read on his emotions, but I could tell that he really missed me. As pissed off as I was that he left me in Escondido to move to City Heights, four miles away from Hillcrest, I felt like all was going to be okay. I still have my best friend. So we went to the gym and ran, like we used to do all the time back in his old hometown. He was telling me about his latest fight with his boyfriend. And the only thing I could do, besides see reason on Jeff's end, was laugh at Joel's expense over his own stupidity.
This fight was petty, way dumber than the last fight they had over Jeff losing his job with Infiniti. Joel is used to having guys that have high expectations for his boyfriends, but Jeff is the complete opposite. I am not going to tell you what they fought over, because that would make you laugh at his expense....okay, I'll tell you. So Jeff was cooking dinner and Joel was folding laundry. Jeff told him that dinner was ready, yet he was still folding laundry. He was assuming that Jeff was going to make him a plate for him. When Jeff didn't, he got mad and stormed out of the studio. OMG right? yeah, I know.
They ended up getting into a fight how Jeff is not considerate and thoughtful of Joel. I don't see reason in this, because Jeff did do his laundry for Joel earlier that day, and buy groceries for the both of them and help move them in while Joel was at work. It made no sense. And all I could do was laugh at Joel.
We were driving back to Jeff's studio. I apologized that we were going to be late. Jeff has the only key to the studio and if Joel gets home before we do, he will be locked out of the house. "Don't worry, he doesn't get home until 4:15. So as long as we get home before then he should be fine."
We were stuck in traffic in City Heights, it was 4:17. I was starting to feel bad because this was going to get Jeff in trouble as well as make a bad first impression on my part if I was going to meet him.
I drove down Jeff's street and I asked Jeff if I could meet Joel. He was going to be outside waiting anyway, why not meet him? Jeff said it was all right. He wants us to meet and get along, because we are the two most important people in his life. Awww.
So I park the car and we get out. Joel was standing there near the gate like an angry housewife awaiting her husband to come home after a night with the boys. I smile at him, yet didn't have any return. Jeff was making his way over to Joel. "Joel, I want you to meet my best friend, Pablo."
Joel looked at me, I smiled warmly, half-excited to meet him. I extended out my hand to shake it, yet recieved no return. He kept his hands tucked in his sweater, obviously pissed off at the both of us for making him wait outside. Jeff told me to have fun on my date that I was going on later that day as he hugged me. For the next fifteen seconds, as I was talking to Jeff, I made an occassional glance at Joel, and time slowed down.
He was giving me such an evil stare. Sending me the message: The War's on bitch. He wasn't very welcoming at all. This was the worst first-impression I have ever recieved from one person. I was checking Joel out. He had earrings on, short hair, and a mole on the side of his nose. He definetly wasn't my type, but I could definetly have the confidence in saying this: I am definetly hotter than he. And that was the ego boost I needed to make myself feel better. But all of my suspicions about this guy was right: he did feel threatened by me.
This housewife has met his match. I may be a slut, but I am definetly not going to ruin Jeff and Joel's relationship if that's what he's thinking. I just love being with Jeff and talking to him about things going on in our lives. This guy wants to wage war on me when I have no means of taking over his territory. But if he is going to be going on the attack, I am definetly going to defend my territory as well. Jeff may not be my boyfriend, but I am his best friend. If he wants to fight, I have no qualms of doing so. I will most likely kick his ass.
So my question remains to my adored housewife Edie Britt: What do you do when you have competition? Do you get sneaky in stealing him back, risking losing a friend in the process? I know Edie would play dirty, but I am trying to think of other ways to not be ruthless. He is my friend, not my boyfriend, if I were to fight for him, I would lose because Jeff would catch on and tell me that his feelings are for Joel now and I should leave them alone. If I am going to be fighting for my best friend, I am going to be sneaky. Like some of the other housewives on Wisteria Lane.
This show has become everyone's guilty pleasure show. I say, why even feel guilty watching this show? It's amazing watching some of these women outwit their competitors and neighbors. For a time, there was one housewife (my personal favorite) that would always ruin everything for everyone. Her name is Edie Britt.
Edie was, for a time, the Wisteria Lane ho. She would shack up with other women's husbands or just make everyone's life difficult with a little blackmail. I love her because she speaks honest when other women are dancing around the issue. She is able to face reality at times with little sympathy to whom she comes in contact with.
Now, I am only three episodes into season five, but I have a question for Edie: What does she do when she finally gets competition? For a time, she did have competition with Susan over Mike Delfino, but Susan is a ditz and at times, had no idea what she was doing.
Last night, I finally met my match. My rival. The look in his eyes sent a message, and it said: The War's on Bitch. The only problem is, I don't want to fight this guy. If I win, I might lose something; but if I lose, I will lose it anyway. I want to get along with him, be his friend, but all he wants to do so far is fight.
Driving to San Diego, I was a nervous wreck. In the passenger seat, an unopened bottle of Pinot Noir. I was texting this new guy named Chris, we have been texting non-stop for the past two days and I have really grown fond of this guy, but I was texting him now because I was nervous as hell. I started texting every man, woman, and child on my phone, telling them where I was going. They were all really nervous for me but telling me how brave I am for doing it.
City Heights. My phone's GPS told me I was in the right area and that it should be on the left side of the street five hundred feet ahead of me. The houses on this street were ghetto. Some had old beaten up cars on the grass, old popcorn kiosks you see at the street fairs, and little children wearing t-shirts that advertised movies that came out ten years ago.
Walking five hundred feet, my GPS told me I had made it to my destination on the left. I looked to the left to see a house that has seen better days. It was blue (lots of sun damage made to this house), and there was a fence with wild plants coming out and trying to hide the house, as if embarrased to be growing there. I texted him and told him I am here. I couldn't believe he lives here. He spent all that money on a piece of shit house like this. Luckily, I looked over the next block to see him poking his head out of the gate looking for me. I exhaled a sigh of relief and made my way down the street towards him.
Every step I made towards him, I became more and more nervous. This is how life was going to be for us for a while, and I can't do anything about it. Be strong. I told myself as I took some deep breaths. Don't you fucking cry.
I greeted him with a smile and excitement as I seen him. It had been a week since I last seen him, I missed him. Jeff smiled back at me as he stood proudly in front of his studio complex. In comparison to the other places on the street, it looked really nice. It was by far, the nicest structure on the block. He stood in front of the gate as I hugged him. He opened up the wooden gate to his complex and let me in.
I handed him the Pinot Noir as a housewarming gift for both him and Joel. He accepted it and thanked me as he put the keys into his studio. Here we go. I thought, bracing my emotions for yet another roller coaster in my life.
Jeff's studio was SO CUTE! I was surprised how nice it was. Everything was arranged so well and was decorated very nicely. I tried to not look at the bed having two pairs of pillows; but it was in the middle of the room, so it was inevitable. They had a kitchen with granite countertops and nice beautiful tiles for the floor. The closet was a walk-in. Once I got the grand tour of the place, all I could say was: I am really happy for you! He did a good job.
We started talking while Alicia Keys was singing on the iPod, catching up on each other's lives while he was slamming a Rockstar before the gym. Then he said this to me: I really hope you can make your way down here like two or three times a week, so we can go to the gym and because you're down here anyway.
He was hugging me, as if sad, I couldn't read on his emotions, but I could tell that he really missed me. As pissed off as I was that he left me in Escondido to move to City Heights, four miles away from Hillcrest, I felt like all was going to be okay. I still have my best friend. So we went to the gym and ran, like we used to do all the time back in his old hometown. He was telling me about his latest fight with his boyfriend. And the only thing I could do, besides see reason on Jeff's end, was laugh at Joel's expense over his own stupidity.
This fight was petty, way dumber than the last fight they had over Jeff losing his job with Infiniti. Joel is used to having guys that have high expectations for his boyfriends, but Jeff is the complete opposite. I am not going to tell you what they fought over, because that would make you laugh at his expense....okay, I'll tell you. So Jeff was cooking dinner and Joel was folding laundry. Jeff told him that dinner was ready, yet he was still folding laundry. He was assuming that Jeff was going to make him a plate for him. When Jeff didn't, he got mad and stormed out of the studio. OMG right? yeah, I know.
They ended up getting into a fight how Jeff is not considerate and thoughtful of Joel. I don't see reason in this, because Jeff did do his laundry for Joel earlier that day, and buy groceries for the both of them and help move them in while Joel was at work. It made no sense. And all I could do was laugh at Joel.
We were driving back to Jeff's studio. I apologized that we were going to be late. Jeff has the only key to the studio and if Joel gets home before we do, he will be locked out of the house. "Don't worry, he doesn't get home until 4:15. So as long as we get home before then he should be fine."
We were stuck in traffic in City Heights, it was 4:17. I was starting to feel bad because this was going to get Jeff in trouble as well as make a bad first impression on my part if I was going to meet him.
I drove down Jeff's street and I asked Jeff if I could meet Joel. He was going to be outside waiting anyway, why not meet him? Jeff said it was all right. He wants us to meet and get along, because we are the two most important people in his life. Awww.
So I park the car and we get out. Joel was standing there near the gate like an angry housewife awaiting her husband to come home after a night with the boys. I smile at him, yet didn't have any return. Jeff was making his way over to Joel. "Joel, I want you to meet my best friend, Pablo."
Joel looked at me, I smiled warmly, half-excited to meet him. I extended out my hand to shake it, yet recieved no return. He kept his hands tucked in his sweater, obviously pissed off at the both of us for making him wait outside. Jeff told me to have fun on my date that I was going on later that day as he hugged me. For the next fifteen seconds, as I was talking to Jeff, I made an occassional glance at Joel, and time slowed down.
He was giving me such an evil stare. Sending me the message: The War's on bitch. He wasn't very welcoming at all. This was the worst first-impression I have ever recieved from one person. I was checking Joel out. He had earrings on, short hair, and a mole on the side of his nose. He definetly wasn't my type, but I could definetly have the confidence in saying this: I am definetly hotter than he. And that was the ego boost I needed to make myself feel better. But all of my suspicions about this guy was right: he did feel threatened by me.
This housewife has met his match. I may be a slut, but I am definetly not going to ruin Jeff and Joel's relationship if that's what he's thinking. I just love being with Jeff and talking to him about things going on in our lives. This guy wants to wage war on me when I have no means of taking over his territory. But if he is going to be going on the attack, I am definetly going to defend my territory as well. Jeff may not be my boyfriend, but I am his best friend. If he wants to fight, I have no qualms of doing so. I will most likely kick his ass.
So my question remains to my adored housewife Edie Britt: What do you do when you have competition? Do you get sneaky in stealing him back, risking losing a friend in the process? I know Edie would play dirty, but I am trying to think of other ways to not be ruthless. He is my friend, not my boyfriend, if I were to fight for him, I would lose because Jeff would catch on and tell me that his feelings are for Joel now and I should leave them alone. If I am going to be fighting for my best friend, I am going to be sneaky. Like some of the other housewives on Wisteria Lane.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Enigmatic
Enigmatic: My feeling today. I have no idea what I'm feeling today. I feel like I am at a loss for words, but the words are there; I feel like I am losing someone, but they are still there for me; I feel happy for them, but I am not feeling joy; I feel like I lost, but I definetely wasn't winning anything either.
I have no idea how to feel with Jeff moving in with his boyfriend. I am happy for him, there is no question there, but why can I not show my approval to other people? Sure, I can fake it in front of Jeff, but around other people, they know/understand that I don't like it. But what am I going to do? Bitch until he moves out? Yeah. Right. Being a little bitch won't help me at all, it will only help me lose my best friend. I am happy for him, but I feel jealous at the same time.
I am jealous that his boyfriend gets to see Jeff this way, opening himself up to someone, and not me. But then again, I just need to learn to bandage my wounds and move on. I am jealous that he is with someone, yet I am still stuck at home, living with parents, having a dead end job making minimum wage and hating the place I am at right now. I don't even know why I am blogging about all this, but I just feel better letting it out in words rather than my actions.
I know I need to focus on me, and I was working on that all day today and spending time figuring out how to move on with my life, but getting the news that Jeff moved in with his boyfriend just threw me for a loop. I mean, I don't even know why I am even surprised that he did it so quickly. He did tell me that he was going to do it this weekend, so why did I get "thrown for a loop"? Maybe I was just in denial that anything he was going to do anything, but Jeff sure does like to throw added twists.
The one thing that I fear now is this: I fear I might not be able to hang out with my best friend that much anymore. I am definitely NOT going over their apartment. That is too much emotion. It would be like identifying a dead body that I know is going to be someone that I know.
I wish there were easier ways to move on besides watching the other guy making so much more progress than you are...
I have no idea how to feel with Jeff moving in with his boyfriend. I am happy for him, there is no question there, but why can I not show my approval to other people? Sure, I can fake it in front of Jeff, but around other people, they know/understand that I don't like it. But what am I going to do? Bitch until he moves out? Yeah. Right. Being a little bitch won't help me at all, it will only help me lose my best friend. I am happy for him, but I feel jealous at the same time.
I am jealous that his boyfriend gets to see Jeff this way, opening himself up to someone, and not me. But then again, I just need to learn to bandage my wounds and move on. I am jealous that he is with someone, yet I am still stuck at home, living with parents, having a dead end job making minimum wage and hating the place I am at right now. I don't even know why I am blogging about all this, but I just feel better letting it out in words rather than my actions.
I know I need to focus on me, and I was working on that all day today and spending time figuring out how to move on with my life, but getting the news that Jeff moved in with his boyfriend just threw me for a loop. I mean, I don't even know why I am even surprised that he did it so quickly. He did tell me that he was going to do it this weekend, so why did I get "thrown for a loop"? Maybe I was just in denial that anything he was going to do anything, but Jeff sure does like to throw added twists.
The one thing that I fear now is this: I fear I might not be able to hang out with my best friend that much anymore. I am definitely NOT going over their apartment. That is too much emotion. It would be like identifying a dead body that I know is going to be someone that I know.
I wish there were easier ways to move on besides watching the other guy making so much more progress than you are...
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Focus (part 2)
I left the gym with Jeff. He told me to meet him in Hillcrest before so we could get some coffee together and hang out before Joel gets there and before I had to go to NBC studios to apply. A small part of me wanted to meet this guy, to know who Jeff was moving in with.
I raced home and was showering, shaving, and stealing my dad's clothes to wear for when I was to walk into downtown to drop off the resumes. I jumped into my car and was confident that my day was going to get better.
I arrive at Cream cafe and order myself a chamomile tea and began to write some scripts. I get a text message from Jeff telling me that Joel got off work early and wants to look at apartments immediately so he couldn't come hang out with me. "Sorry Captain. Next time..."
Is it just me or does Joel feel really threatened by me? This was the first thought that came across my head. Joel knows I'm Jeff's ex, and that I am his best friend, and something tells me that he knows I still love Jeff, so why does he have to play dirty like that? Joel is so possessive. I swear, the day I meet him is the day that the worlds will collide. I don't know if I will be civil or if I am going to get in a fight like two girls fighting over one guy in Melrose Place.
I wasn't disappointed in Jeff. I was pissed that Joel was totally....anyways, so I go down to NBC studios, dressed to kill and walking around downtown. I have never felt so much at home. The only thing that was unwelcoming was the cold air blowing.
It took me fifteen minutes to get to NBC, and less than a minute to drop off my resume. I was talking to a guy through plexiglass. I gave him my resumes and told him my experience and how I can do whatever they need me to do.
Walking back to my car, the cold wind was reminding me how lonely I was. How I wished I could share this with my best friend Jeff whom was now looking at apartments with Joel. Then as I was driving around downtown, I knew I had to do one more thing before heading home. I had to quit working for the HRC. Since today was Wednesday, I knew where they were going to be at this hour: Pizza Fusion.
I called my boss and asked him if I could talk to him. He said for me to meet him at the restaurant. I was still dressed to kill. I come walking out to the restaurant and they were canvassing me. It took a couple more steps in the dark for them to realize that they were canvassing me. We all walked together and I pulled Mike aside to tell him how I couldn't work for the HRC anymore.
I am too passionate on this issue and when I leave work each day, I am so emotionally drained and feeling so low that I just have a hard time dealing with so much rejection and hate. He understood and was very respectable. He invited me to pizza with the rest of the group. At first, I said no, but then I realized, why not?
Sitting there was hard because I really loved working with these guys. On my first day, I felt so welcomed in the group. But being under attack by people that are discriminatory based on my sexual orientation, it made it very hard to come back to work. When I left them, the feeling of myself caving in was starting to return for an encore performance.
I was driving down Hillcrest. Avoiding looking at the sidewalk in case I see Jeff with Joel walking down the sidewalk, hand in hand, smiling and moving on with his life. I have never felt so lonely and lost in my life. I didn't know where to start picking up the pieces. I suddenly felt the urge to give up. I don't think I am that strong to handle anymore of this. Heartbreak and finances can bring the death in me.
I went to another coffee shop and decided to write more scripts. But instead, I called up my pastor, RC. He didn't pick up, but I left him a message. Then I called up my friend Mike, he and I went to the same church. I called him up and he picked up, greeting me warmly.
"Pablo, it's so nice to hear from you." He welcomed. "How are things going with you?"
"Um..." I said as I started breaking down again. "Can you pray for me please? I feel like I want to give up right now."
I have never felt so close to rock bottom in my life. As I talked to him, crying my eyes out and feeling scared, I realized things aren't going to get better for me. I have no job, have no money, and have no way of leaving this place. I am stuck in a place that I hate and I am starting to get claustrophobic. After talking to him for half an hour, crying and feeling like I made a big mistake somewhere down the line, I began to head home to go to sleep.
I was mad at God, doesn't he know that I can't handle any of this? Is he enjoying himself? I am not finding any of this amusing at all. I was yelling at God, telling him to stop hurting me. Then I felt another BAM! in my car while driving home. Really fucking perfect God.
I pull over at a gas station and fill up my tire on air. At 20 psi, I notice a bulge was coming out of the tire. It looked like a golf ball was coming out of the tire. I took some pictures of it, in case the tire company tries to tell me that it was my fault. I get back in my car and begin to drive off. Not even 15 feet, I hear a POP! I pull over to look at the wheel. The bulge was gone, but it left behind a hole in the tire.
I am stuck in Mira Mesa, freezing and looking for a place to park my car where it wasn't dark. I drive over to the theatre and park it in the lot. I call up my aunt because she lives 2 miles away from the theatre, she wasn't picking up because, after all, it was 10 pm.
So I call Mike back up and ask him if he could help me. I get towed back to Escondido by his insurance company. One of the highlights of my day was that Mike helped me out and also the man that was driving me to Escondido.
He was from Iraq and he came here eight years ago. He told me all about what it's like in Iraq and his fight for citizenship. It was a really inspiring trip. For 30 minutes, I forgot about the pain and suffering with my day and enjoyed hearing his story.
My sister came to pick me up and we were driving home. I told her all about the day I had had, and as she was smoking a cigarette, she gave me some advice.
"Pablo, you are a strong person and a talented writer. You are still young. But after dealing with all the shit you dealt with all day, you are handling it very well. I would have given up. And sure, it sucks seeing Jeff with someone else and encountering the day you had. But maybe someone is trying to tell you something. Maybe it's their way of saying that you need to re-focus your life back to you and not to helping other people with their life and problems. Focus on you. Because you only have to live with yourself. If you and Jeff are to be together, it will happen. But until then, go live YOUR life."
After all the shit I dealt with all day, it had led up to that point. That Walden line I have been trying to avoid. My focus had been on helping Jeff with his boyfriend problems and on my fantasies on us being together again. My focus had been to save up money, but for what? I still need to move up to LA, but I need a job to get me there. I still don't know what to focus on. Everything right now is blurry. Maybe I should clean the lens?
Focus (part 1)
Focus. On a camera, you could toggle the focus to make one specific image in a shot stand out and make everything else seem blurry. Sometimes, cameramen accomplish a rack focus where it places emphasis on one object then on another.
Sometimes in our life, we lose focus of things that are important in progressing ourselves in life. We tend to focus on what can benefit others more than ourselves. I mean, that is an honorable attribute to have; but when it becomes the one thing we focus on, it can leave us in a stand still point. Leaving us standing still as if in a Time Square scenario, everything is racing by and you are just sipping some Coke and admiring the explosive advertisements.
Yesterday went down in history as the Worst Day of my Life. Granted, there were positive points to the day that I enjoyed; however, the rest of the day was just one bad event after another.
8:10 a.m. I was running late to work. I woke up this morning feeling sick and my body was sore from working out on Monday. I jump in my car with coffee in hand and I took off listening to a mix I had burned. As I merge into the freeway with the rest of the laggers rushing to work, I changed lanes and heard a very unsettling sound. My tires ran over the reflector dividers, but instead of hearing a soft thud, I heard a hard BAM! In my head I figured: Oh, I think I might need to air up my tires. But when I got off the freeway and pulled into a local gas station in my home town, I saw that not even air could fix this problem.
I look at the tire while swearing under my breath. The tire looked like it was ripped open on the sides. Green ooze was dripping on the floor. It was a really gross sight.
I picked up my phone and began to call local tire shops like Pep Boys and Discount Tires. I gave them the specs of my tires. The downside to my car are the tires. They are nice to have, but paying for new ones cost me a fortune! I nearly dropped the phone when Pep Boys and Discount Tires told me $183 for one tire!!!!
I called up AAA to have them tow my car to the local Discount Tires. As I am doing so, I am calling my work to tell them that I was not going to be able to make it today. When I hung up the phone, I realized that I was fucked.
My job assigns us to a specific quota. Each week, I am supposed to be raising one thousand dollars. If I don't make quota for the week, I would have one final week to make it up or face termination. The past two days at work I made two hundred dollars and I knew, that at the rate I was going, there was going to be no way that I could raise 800 in two days. So I was panicking because I knew that I was fucked the moment my tire blew out.
I sat near my car, texting Jeff about my bad day. He asked if he should pick me up. I told him no because the tow truck was on the way. He then proposed to meet me at Barnes and Noble when I got done. I then called my friend Sam and was talking to her. It was at this point that the tow truck arrived.
The tow man asked me where we were going and I told him Discount Tire. He looked at my tire and asked me how much I was paying for it. The moment I told him, he gave me a number to call and ask them for a price. It was an incredible blessing that I called them because they told me that I only had to pay half of the price that Discount Tire gave me. I had an incredibly gay moment and jumped up and down while saying "Oh My God! Are you serious?"
Within fifteen minutes, I got my car fixed; in less than a minute, I was at Barnes and Noble. Jeff and I were hanging out. He was laid off his job last night so he and I were both going job hunting. Jeff told me that him and Joel are looking for apartments and that he is going to go to Hillcrest after the gym to go check them out. It was at that point of time that I suddenly began to see cracks within my emotional state.
I was noticing how everyone's life is progressing, everyone has found love or a new job and is moving forward in their lives; meanwhile, I am the bystander watching everyone's life pass by me. It made me yearn for LA even more because right now, I am under so much oppression and attack from all angles that I can barely keep myself standing. I want my life to start now, but I am stuck in this moment of silence.
We went to the gym and I didn't talk to him the entire time. I wasn't mad at him, I just had a lot on my mind. Every part of my body was aching from the gym a couple nights back. I was on the ab machine as I started to notice the cracks were getting bigger inside me.
This is going to be your life. Learn to be lonely
You are never going to make it to LA. Get used to it.
You are going to be kicked out of your house in 24 days.
Every sit-up I was doing, I was hearing these thoughts in my head. Followed by Jeff having sex with Joel. I was slowly losing it. I have to stand here and watch everyone else be happy while I am hating every aspect of my life.
Jeff finished his set and was talking to me. All these voices in my head were screaming so loud I could barely hear him. I looked at him and tears were falling. He asked me what was going on. Then I caved in and broke down crying. Telling him every effort I am making to move up to LA keeps blowing up in my face. I am trying to move on with my life, but something is preventing me from doing so.
"I am strong. But I don't know how much longer I can be strong. Everyday is a fight to stay alive. And I think I am starting to lose. I walked by NBC studios and saw people inside there working hard to get entertainment out there. And the only thought that came across my mind was: Why can't that be me?"
He was comforting me as I was having an emotional breakdown. I don't know how much longer I can handle all this pain. It took me a year to fight off my depression, I don't want to go back there.
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