Still Understanding

I miss Jeff. There is nothing else to write about involving him. It sucks that I lose my best friend because he was the closest thing that I had to trusting someone. Now I lost him and I feel like I am falling apart. I am trying so hard to stay strong, but at the same time, I feel like I should just give up. This is the last chapter to the Jeff story: the pain in letting someone I still love go his separate way.

Jeff gave me encouragement. He was always there to lend an ear to time when all I wanted to do was bitch about the problems in my life. I felt like I didn’t have to do anything to impress him, because he was already in awe of my drive and personality. He would tell me this whenever I had an emotional breakdown….kinda what I am doing right now.

The sucky part is that I don’t have that gay male best friend to help me through it this time. I have to face it alone. I am determined that I am going to make it, but I just really wish that he was here to help me through this hard time right now.

None of this is my fault. It is all Joel…at least I think it is. He sees me as a threat and wants to do whatever it takes to keep his man by his side and to stop siding on me (even though, I am right). I really have no idea what I did to lose my best friend; nor do I know what I did to anger Joel to the point that he would forbid Jeff from hanging out with me. But in any case, the fucker has stopped contacting me.

I am a very analytical person. I observe all the possible flaws in my environment and try to fix it. When I feel like something is my fault, my mind goes back to the scene of the crime and try to decipher whatever I did to make the situation difficult.

My mind keeps going back to that day at the bar. What I said to Joel; what I did to Jeff; what happened that night that ruined it all….

March 8th. I got a ride with my girl Sam to watch the series finale to our favorite show, The L Word. While I was at the bar, I was drinking and enjoying myself when I see Jeff and Joel walk into the bar.

“Jeff!” I yelled amidst the loud drunk lesbians around me as I fight my way to welcome Jeff and Joel with a hug.

I hug Jeff, my heart jumping at the sight of seeing my best friend and his boyfriend. Once I let go of Jeff, I hug Joel and smile warmly.

It is very funny how I have gone from hating the bitch, into adopting him into my Family. Joel is a great guy and he is very cool to talk to. After tonight though, he will stop being nice to me.

I ask Joel how everything was going with him. He smirks and assures me everything’s okay. Jeff grabs Joel’s hand and they make their way into the courtyard. Sam and I follow them while all four of us were still talking.

Sam decides to hang out with her friends. I join them while standing around older lesbians that were sneering at me because of the fact that I have a penis and more testosterone than they could inject into their menopausal bodies. I was feeling uncomfortable, but I was not going to let a couple pairs of sagging boobs scare me. My eyes began to wander, doing a scan of potential hotties in the courtyard. As I am looking around my environment. I see Jeff and Joel sitting in the distance, his body resting against Jeff slouching pose.

Granted, I haven’t talked to Jeff in two weeks, so I missed talking to him and wanted to make sure the two of them were doing all right. I walk away from the angry old lesbians that were sitting next to Sam and migrate over to where Jeff and Joel are sitting.

I began to make small talk with them as the show had started to play on multiple screens decorated around the bar. Joel and Jeff make room for me as I sit next to the couple. While there was a slow point in the show, I decided I should ask to see how Joel was doing. I reach across Jeff to Joel. Joel turns to make eye contact with me.

“So Joel,” I asked genuinely while touching his shoulder with concern, “how is everything going with you healthwise?”

He gave me a very quizzical look. “Everything is fine. I’m not dying anytime soon. Why do you ask?”

Time out. What is this guy’s problem? I am simply asking a question. Why is it that he is getting defensive with me? Retract claws, Catwoman. I am asking you a fucking simple question. The kind that is asked from one friend to another.

Obviously this guy has issues. And obviously something is going on that I don’t know about, but I was not going to let his short-temper get to me. I faked some laughter and smiled at Mister Mid-Life Crisis. “I’m just asking.” I jested but changed into sounding serious. “Jeff told me that you were HIV positive and I just want to make sure everything is going all right with you and if there is any way I can help.”

“I’m fine.” He bit back.

What a bitch. Why do I even fucking care about his fuck up?

He then decided to ask me a question in return. “So how are things going with you and Riddick? You guys still dating?”

I had forgotten about the time I told Joel that I was dating someone. But I simply replied back laughing. “Fuck Riddick. We were just fooling around.”

No response. He simply returned to watching the screen.

Towards the end of the episode, I turn to Jeff and ask him how everything was going at his new job. At this point Joel and Jeff had broken their little embrace and were sitting apart from each other—for once. He was telling me how he is doing what he can to settle in but assured me that everything was going all right. Then I asked him about how things were going on overall. This included life, relationship, money and his health. He was telling me how things are going so-so.

One of the things that reigns true within a deep relationship like the one we have—or should I say…had, the more you spend time with people, the more perceptive to understanding their emotions. When Jeff and I were talking, he started to give off an expression like he needed to talk to me.

“What’s going on honey?” I ask him, giving him my undivided attention.

“I can’t talk about it. Because of…” His voice trailed off as he was directing my eyes to Joel with his gaze.

Joel had his back turned. Possibly pissed off at the both of us talking.

“We’ll talk some other time.” I promised as we both looked up to the screen to see one of our favorite characters appear on the screen.

“Oh My GOD!” I exclaim as I am tapping Jeff’s knee with excitement. He sits up and presses his back against my chest. Um, why don’t you get close to Joel instead of me? Something truly is going on. I became suddenly very uncomfortable with it all, but I was not going to turn him away.

As the episode ends, I hug Jeff and tell him to call me. I hug Joel. He gives me a brief hug, obviously giving me the impression that I really pissed him off.

It has been a month and six days, and there has been no form of contact…at all. I was not able to call him and wish him happy birthday. I was not able to tell him that I got my car back and things are getting better for me. I have never missed anyone this much in my life. I didn’t deserve to lose Jeff. But someone else considered me as a threat in their relationship. And that dumb fuck’s name is Joel.

Joel may have won this war, but I was not really going to fight someone that my best friend is dating. If my best friend thinks that Joel is a great guy, I am going to do whatever I can to be Joel’s friend and fully support his decision. But Joel decided to ruin my friendship with him by disconnecting me. And I couldn’t be more angrier to want to get in a girlfight with the bitch.

He is like the doctor that finds a cure to a disease by murdering the patient and hiding the body. Eventually, someone is going to find out of this crime. And soon eventually, the doctor is going to feel the weight of justice on his shoulders by having a big fat sentence as well as losing his license. He may have killed off my friendship and connection to Jeff, but karma is going to bite him in the ass one day. He is going to crash and burn as he loses Jeff…again….

I am not entirely certain that Joel is the person responsible for ruining my friendship with Jeff, but he is the only suspect. I have done nothing wrong and I have definitely not done anything but be what I promised what I would be if we ever broke up: Jeff’s friend.

Not having Jeff in my life hurts. It hurts like someone ripped out my heart and I am forced to live on blood transfusions and bypasses. I know eventually, I am going to evolve into a person that is not dependent on Jeff. Eventually, we all find a way to quit the drugs that give us a sense of security. I just want him back so I can have a gay man in my life that has a brain that is easy to talk to. Someone that I trust.

I’m afraid I will never know what I did that night to ruin my relationship with Joel and possibly Jeff. But in either case, we are not talking. And that is a pain that I am still understanding. Understanding that people will disappoint you and hurt you. I know I gotta brush myself off and quit getting down about this, but it's hard to do, especially when I really cared about him.