January 20th
The Equation and the Missing Variable
Fed up. I can tell I am getting fed up because it makes me short-fused to everything else. I almost walked out of my job because they were treating me unfairly and my manager made me stay late. Then I fail at solving the Riddick Riddles because he is so.... Wanna know the sucky part of this equation? I am starting to sense more and more that he just wants a friend. Plus this variable: know I cannot give that advantage to another person again. After the last fiasco had me licking my wounds for a while, I told myself that I will not allow myself to settle for second-best when I know now that I deserve that gold medal (preferably platinum, because gold doesn't look good on me.).
Riddick and I got HIV-tested together today-- okay, not really together, we got seperated, leaving me without a chance in uncovering his sex life. It was supposed to be my breaking-point whether I should solve this equation or not. However, I have come to the possibility that Riddick might not be the variable I need to solve this equation. I mean, I could say: "This equation is not a function because it is in violation of its y-intercepts." Deciphering my nerdiness: Just settling into being his friend as he finds the guy he likes and move on.
Captain Pablo is not going to put up with that bullshit. I thought to myself rather heroically. Fuck that bitch! Time to move on.
I opened up my phone and sent a text to a guy that I met while canvassing at San Diego State University back when I worked for the Human Rights Campaign. I ran into him again while he was in his drunk stupor on Wednesday at a local gas station. I have a date with him on Friday after work. I don't know what to make any of this right now, but I am not going to wait for someone anymore. Stop playing pathetic desperate Pablo and fucking go for it.
I am feeling more like the critical constant to balancing this equation. I am realizing that I can be the protagonist to my own story and save myself instead of relying on angels, family, or friends in my life. That is what I need to do to be strong.
I don't have time to waste on someone that is not going to meet me halfway in balancing my equation. I would rather go out and continue searching. Maybe something would improve if I actually go look for it, pushing guys that waste my time or are too easy, out of my way.
Do I sound bitchy? I hope not. I just feel the need to save myself right now.
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2 comments:
Dude I'm proud of you. For good or ill you're becoming what I'd hoped and believed you could be...your own man. Relationships come and go mate; but if you can stand on your own two feet and say as well as feel that you deserve better, you can give better, and be the type of bloke who can make a positive difference in his own corner of the world. Whatever happens P, just remember your friends are there for you. The blokes you'll meet aren't bad fellows, they're simply not the right fellows for what you need in the here and now. You'll do fine mate. I believe in you. As for sounding bitchy, "nah", your other logs were a bit of a whine; but "whine" works well with an occasional cheesey sit, this one's courageous in my book. Focus on what you want and don't rest until you get it. You've got goals, make a plan and work towards it.
Cheers,
D.
Oh,and after re-reading your blog mate I've come to the conclusion that you were both at fault. You were at fault for asking Joel twice how he was doing. That simply shows you weren't bothering to pay attention to what he mentioned the first time which of course was rather bad form. You may disagree mate and that's understandable but proper social etiquette dictates that when an aquaintance who has a condition that's life threatening or dire is asked the same question more than once by the same person it shows negligence on the part of the asker to "hound" the question further. As for Joel, bloke was just being a crazy bitch regarding your faux pas. He should have at least handled himself better concerning your obvious gaff rather than being a harpy about it. Regarding arguments, it takes two to tango mate. Ingrain this into your memory else the next time you might truly lose Jeff as a close friend simply due to a social mis-step. You deserve better, but you knew what you were doing even if it was buried within your unconscious. You must have gotten a feeling regarding such a thing mate. ;)
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