Focus. On a camera, you could toggle the focus to make one specific image in a shot stand out and make everything else seem blurry. Sometimes, cameramen accomplish a rack focus where it places emphasis on one object then on another.
Sometimes in our life, we lose focus of things that are important in progressing ourselves in life. We tend to focus on what can benefit others more than ourselves. I mean, that is an honorable attribute to have; but when it becomes the one thing we focus on, it can leave us in a stand still point. Leaving us standing still as if in a Time Square scenario, everything is racing by and you are just sipping some Coke and admiring the explosive advertisements.
Yesterday went down in history as the Worst Day of my Life. Granted, there were positive points to the day that I enjoyed; however, the rest of the day was just one bad event after another.
8:10 a.m. I was running late to work. I woke up this morning feeling sick and my body was sore from working out on Monday. I jump in my car with coffee in hand and I took off listening to a mix I had burned. As I merge into the freeway with the rest of the laggers rushing to work, I changed lanes and heard a very unsettling sound. My tires ran over the reflector dividers, but instead of hearing a soft thud, I heard a hard BAM! In my head I figured: Oh, I think I might need to air up my tires. But when I got off the freeway and pulled into a local gas station in my home town, I saw that not even air could fix this problem.
I look at the tire while swearing under my breath. The tire looked like it was ripped open on the sides. Green ooze was dripping on the floor. It was a really gross sight.
I picked up my phone and began to call local tire shops like Pep Boys and Discount Tires. I gave them the specs of my tires. The downside to my car are the tires. They are nice to have, but paying for new ones cost me a fortune! I nearly dropped the phone when Pep Boys and Discount Tires told me $183 for one tire!!!!
I called up AAA to have them tow my car to the local Discount Tires. As I am doing so, I am calling my work to tell them that I was not going to be able to make it today. When I hung up the phone, I realized that I was fucked.
My job assigns us to a specific quota. Each week, I am supposed to be raising one thousand dollars. If I don't make quota for the week, I would have one final week to make it up or face termination. The past two days at work I made two hundred dollars and I knew, that at the rate I was going, there was going to be no way that I could raise 800 in two days. So I was panicking because I knew that I was fucked the moment my tire blew out.
I sat near my car, texting Jeff about my bad day. He asked if he should pick me up. I told him no because the tow truck was on the way. He then proposed to meet me at Barnes and Noble when I got done. I then called my friend Sam and was talking to her. It was at this point that the tow truck arrived.
The tow man asked me where we were going and I told him Discount Tire. He looked at my tire and asked me how much I was paying for it. The moment I told him, he gave me a number to call and ask them for a price. It was an incredible blessing that I called them because they told me that I only had to pay half of the price that Discount Tire gave me. I had an incredibly gay moment and jumped up and down while saying "Oh My God! Are you serious?"
Within fifteen minutes, I got my car fixed; in less than a minute, I was at Barnes and Noble. Jeff and I were hanging out. He was laid off his job last night so he and I were both going job hunting. Jeff told me that him and Joel are looking for apartments and that he is going to go to Hillcrest after the gym to go check them out. It was at that point of time that I suddenly began to see cracks within my emotional state.
I was noticing how everyone's life is progressing, everyone has found love or a new job and is moving forward in their lives; meanwhile, I am the bystander watching everyone's life pass by me. It made me yearn for LA even more because right now, I am under so much oppression and attack from all angles that I can barely keep myself standing. I want my life to start now, but I am stuck in this moment of silence.
We went to the gym and I didn't talk to him the entire time. I wasn't mad at him, I just had a lot on my mind. Every part of my body was aching from the gym a couple nights back. I was on the ab machine as I started to notice the cracks were getting bigger inside me.
This is going to be your life. Learn to be lonely
You are never going to make it to LA. Get used to it.
You are going to be kicked out of your house in 24 days.
Every sit-up I was doing, I was hearing these thoughts in my head. Followed by Jeff having sex with Joel. I was slowly losing it. I have to stand here and watch everyone else be happy while I am hating every aspect of my life.
Jeff finished his set and was talking to me. All these voices in my head were screaming so loud I could barely hear him. I looked at him and tears were falling. He asked me what was going on. Then I caved in and broke down crying. Telling him every effort I am making to move up to LA keeps blowing up in my face. I am trying to move on with my life, but something is preventing me from doing so.
"I am strong. But I don't know how much longer I can be strong. Everyday is a fight to stay alive. And I think I am starting to lose. I walked by NBC studios and saw people inside there working hard to get entertainment out there. And the only thought that came across my mind was: Why can't that be me?"
He was comforting me as I was having an emotional breakdown. I don't know how much longer I can handle all this pain. It took me a year to fight off my depression, I don't want to go back there.
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