Enigmatic

Enigmatic: My feeling today. I have no idea what I'm feeling today. I feel like I am at a loss for words, but the words are there; I feel like I am losing someone, but they are still there for me; I feel happy for them, but I am not feeling joy; I feel like I lost, but I definetely wasn't winning anything either.

I have no idea how to feel with Jeff moving in with his boyfriend. I am happy for him, there is no question there, but why can I not show my approval to other people? Sure, I can fake it in front of Jeff, but around other people, they know/understand that I don't like it. But what am I going to do? Bitch until he moves out? Yeah. Right. Being a little bitch won't help me at all, it will only help me lose my best friend. I am happy for him, but I feel jealous at the same time.

I am jealous that his boyfriend gets to see Jeff this way, opening himself up to someone, and not me. But then again, I just need to learn to bandage my wounds and move on. I am jealous that he is with someone, yet I am still stuck at home, living with parents, having a dead end job making minimum wage and hating the place I am at right now. I don't even know why I am blogging about all this, but I just feel better letting it out in words rather than my actions.

I know I need to focus on me, and I was working on that all day today and spending time figuring out how to move on with my life, but getting the news that Jeff moved in with his boyfriend just threw me for a loop. I mean, I don't even know why I am even surprised that he did it so quickly. He did tell me that he was going to do it this weekend, so why did I get "thrown for a loop"? Maybe I was just in denial that anything he was going to do anything, but Jeff sure does like to throw added twists.

The one thing that I fear now is this: I fear I might not be able to hang out with my best friend that much anymore. I am definitely NOT going over their apartment. That is too much emotion. It would be like identifying a dead body that I know is going to be someone that I know.

I wish there were easier ways to move on besides watching the other guy making so much more progress than you are...