Commitment...or Lack of One

Tension builds. Stress rises within my body with every bumping beat resonating in the club. Hips sway like a pendulum in a grandfather clock as each minute passes...oh so slowly. People begin to crowd the dance floor knowing that the later the night goes on, the better the music gets. While dancing, fighting for my space to show off my moves, I began to search the room for familiar faces. Especially one in particular, the reason why the stress has been building.

Three nights ago, on a Tuesday, I hung out with Jeff. He told me that he was going out clubbing on Friday with his boyfriend. I told him I was going to be there and couldn't wait to see the two of them at the club. I hung out with him and caught up with him on his latest drama and petty fights as I laughed, as always, at his boyfriend's expense. Then I got a call from the guy I was writing about in the last entry. For the sake of him possibly reading this, let's call him Dakota.

So I bought dinner for both Dakota and I, since he is gluten-intolerant, his order had to be done right. I got into a minor argument with the guy making our food and told him how he needed to do it right due to my friend's condition. I drove to Oceanside, where he was staying in a little cottage for a week. His family rented it out for the week that his parents would be in town. We never really made it to cottage because the people in charge of security wouldn't let him on the property. I almost got out of the car because the guards were being complete assholes to Dakota. So we ended up driving back to his house in Hillcrest to spend the rest of our time together.

We arrived at his house and sat down watching Family Guy while eating our now-cold dinner. He began to ask me how my day was and making sure I was doing okay.

Sigh.

Then we began to pass the time by playing a card game called Rummy. I have never played it. But it was really fun learning it from a hot guy like him. He whooped my ass a couple times before he decided to head back up to Oceanside to talk to his brother about letting him onto the property. At the time, his brother was picking his parents up in Ontario. His brother finally called him and he was going to let him back on once they got back. Dakota said he would meet them. He walked me to my car as we were braving the now-falling rain. He kissed me and told me that he will be with his parents until the 30th.

A couple days later, I started to get nervous about running into Jeff at the club with his boyfriend, I texted Dakota to see what he was doing Friday night. I didn't want to be alone while facing Jeff and his boyfriend. I wanted to make sure I looked good, and having Dakota there with me clubbing would make me look way hot, and not looking like some desperate slut in love with my best friend. Five minutes passed and he told me that he was going to be with his parents and that he couldn't make it. I wasn't upset, I was more nervous that I might get emotional and act like those girls do when they see their ex-boyfriend marrying someone else at a wedding. That would only give Jeff's boyfriend the satisfaction that he is hurting me. If there is anything I refuse to give, it's that guy's satisfaction in hurting me. I am better than that.

Dakota called me on Christmas day and was checking up on me. I almost wet my pants. It was one of the two best gifts I got for Christmas. The other great gift was Jeff's text message telling me Merry Christmas. But Dakota won because he called me and was making sure I am doing all right.

So Friday rolls on towards evening. I walk into the club. Ready for the worst. If I am going to be the strong person and fight for my best friend, I am not going to let what happens get to me. I told myself. If his boyfriend wants to raise hell and act like the jealous boyfriend and taunt me, I don't mind slugging him into 2010.

So the tension is rising, like a pending orgasm. The fog sprays out of the wall and blankets the crowd, my eyes are peeled for Jeff to arrive. 11:00...the crowds begin to pour onto the dance floor. I begin to let go of my nervousness and have fun with it all. He could end up being a good guy. I thought to myself. We could be good friends if he stops being some bitch ass that thinks Jeff is going to leave him. So I began to get excited in seeing them.

11:35. Maybe they're coming at 12. Maybe they are at the Flame then coming over here when it's at its peak hour. That's understandable. I will wait. I am patient. I will hug his boyfriend when I see them and act the complete opposite of what they expect of me.

12:35. I was starting to get pissed. Jeff told me that he would go with or without his stupid ass boyfriend. He is definitely whipped by his possessive boyfriend. I swear I am going to kick that guy's sorry Latino ass.

So the night ends with Jeff not even arriving at the club, not even sending me a text message, no apology. Tension built, stress rose for no reason. That pending orgasm turns into blue balls and leaves me in a cranky mood. For the first time, I was getting fed up with one thing: Jeff's lack of following through.

Maybe those two do deserve each other. Two people that really don't know what the fuck is going on in their life, but will fuck each other until something happens. Two people that fear a lack of commitment but will pretend to be in one just to keep their self-appreciation intact. I just don't get it anymore. Jeff never really follows through with things. And he is really not following through this time. Maybe two negatives do equal a positive relationship in spite of all the clashes that they experience almost everyday. But bottom line: I am starting to get fed up with his bullshit. His lack of following through with something, or any person for that matter, is something that does not fly well with me.

Normally, I would just let it slide and understand his reasoning later. But there is only so much you can endure before you get to that breaking point where you just want to smack some sense into the bitch.

I really hope Dakota follows through, unlike Jeff. Because I really don't know about San Diego boys anymore. I need to hurry up and move up to LA. Because all this bullshit I deal with in San Diego is really starting to get to me.