I raced home and was showering, shaving, and stealing my dad's clothes to wear for when I was to walk into downtown to drop off the resumes. I jumped into my car and was confident that my day was going to get better.
I arrive at Cream cafe and order myself a chamomile tea and began to write some scripts. I get a text message from Jeff telling me that Joel got off work early and wants to look at apartments immediately so he couldn't come hang out with me. "Sorry Captain. Next time..."
Is it just me or does Joel feel really threatened by me? This was the first thought that came across my head. Joel knows I'm Jeff's ex, and that I am his best friend, and something tells me that he knows I still love Jeff, so why does he have to play dirty like that? Joel is so possessive. I swear, the day I meet him is the day that the worlds will collide. I don't know if I will be civil or if I am going to get in a fight like two girls fighting over one guy in Melrose Place.
I wasn't disappointed in Jeff. I was pissed that Joel was totally....anyways, so I go down to NBC studios, dressed to kill and walking around downtown. I have never felt so much at home. The only thing that was unwelcoming was the cold air blowing.
It took me fifteen minutes to get to NBC, and less than a minute to drop off my resume. I was talking to a guy through plexiglass. I gave him my resumes and told him my experience and how I can do whatever they need me to do.
Walking back to my car, the cold wind was reminding me how lonely I was. How I wished I could share this with my best friend Jeff whom was now looking at apartments with Joel. Then as I was driving around downtown, I knew I had to do one more thing before heading home. I had to quit working for the HRC. Since today was Wednesday, I knew where they were going to be at this hour: Pizza Fusion.
I called my boss and asked him if I could talk to him. He said for me to meet him at the restaurant. I was still dressed to kill. I come walking out to the restaurant and they were canvassing me. It took a couple more steps in the dark for them to realize that they were canvassing me. We all walked together and I pulled Mike aside to tell him how I couldn't work for the HRC anymore.
I am too passionate on this issue and when I leave work each day, I am so emotionally drained and feeling so low that I just have a hard time dealing with so much rejection and hate. He understood and was very respectable. He invited me to pizza with the rest of the group. At first, I said no, but then I realized, why not?
Sitting there was hard because I really loved working with these guys. On my first day, I felt so welcomed in the group. But being under attack by people that are discriminatory based on my sexual orientation, it made it very hard to come back to work. When I left them, the feeling of myself caving in was starting to return for an encore performance.
I was driving down Hillcrest. Avoiding looking at the sidewalk in case I see Jeff with Joel walking down the sidewalk, hand in hand, smiling and moving on with his life. I have never felt so lonely and lost in my life. I didn't know where to start picking up the pieces. I suddenly felt the urge to give up. I don't think I am that strong to handle anymore of this. Heartbreak and finances can bring the death in me.
I went to another coffee shop and decided to write more scripts. But instead, I called up my pastor, RC. He didn't pick up, but I left him a message. Then I called up my friend Mike, he and I went to the same church. I called him up and he picked up, greeting me warmly.
"Pablo, it's so nice to hear from you." He welcomed. "How are things going with you?"
"Um..." I said as I started breaking down again. "Can you pray for me please? I feel like I want to give up right now."
I have never felt so close to rock bottom in my life. As I talked to him, crying my eyes out and feeling scared, I realized things aren't going to get better for me. I have no job, have no money, and have no way of leaving this place. I am stuck in a place that I hate and I am starting to get claustrophobic. After talking to him for half an hour, crying and feeling like I made a big mistake somewhere down the line, I began to head home to go to sleep.
I was mad at God, doesn't he know that I can't handle any of this? Is he enjoying himself? I am not finding any of this amusing at all. I was yelling at God, telling him to stop hurting me. Then I felt another BAM! in my car while driving home. Really fucking perfect God.
I pull over at a gas station and fill up my tire on air. At 20 psi, I notice a bulge was coming out of the tire. It looked like a golf ball was coming out of the tire. I took some pictures of it, in case the tire company tries to tell me that it was my fault. I get back in my car and begin to drive off. Not even 15 feet, I hear a POP! I pull over to look at the wheel. The bulge was gone, but it left behind a hole in the tire.
I am stuck in Mira Mesa, freezing and looking for a place to park my car where it wasn't dark. I drive over to the theatre and park it in the lot. I call up my aunt because she lives 2 miles away from the theatre, she wasn't picking up because, after all, it was 10 pm.
So I call Mike back up and ask him if he could help me. I get towed back to Escondido by his insurance company. One of the highlights of my day was that Mike helped me out and also the man that was driving me to Escondido.
He was from Iraq and he came here eight years ago. He told me all about what it's like in Iraq and his fight for citizenship. It was a really inspiring trip. For 30 minutes, I forgot about the pain and suffering with my day and enjoyed hearing his story.
My sister came to pick me up and we were driving home. I told her all about the day I had had, and as she was smoking a cigarette, she gave me some advice.
"Pablo, you are a strong person and a talented writer. You are still young. But after dealing with all the shit you dealt with all day, you are handling it very well. I would have given up. And sure, it sucks seeing Jeff with someone else and encountering the day you had. But maybe someone is trying to tell you something. Maybe it's their way of saying that you need to re-focus your life back to you and not to helping other people with their life and problems. Focus on you. Because you only have to live with yourself. If you and Jeff are to be together, it will happen. But until then, go live YOUR life."
After all the shit I dealt with all day, it had led up to that point. That Walden line I have been trying to avoid. My focus had been on helping Jeff with his boyfriend problems and on my fantasies on us being together again. My focus had been to save up money, but for what? I still need to move up to LA, but I need a job to get me there. I still don't know what to focus on. Everything right now is blurry. Maybe I should clean the lens?
No comments:
Post a Comment