I had a dream last night that Joel tried to kill me. He was chasing me throughout the house that we were confined in, I was dodging every blow he tried to throw at me, every bullet he tried to shoot, every strike of the knife he tried to stab; it was no use to him. I was scared that my life was going to end this way. Joel eventually gave up and started crying. Instead of running away and finding safety, I walked up to him and put my hand on his back to comfort him.
"No matter what I do," he told me, "Jeff will never love me as much as he loves you."
Well, duh.
No, I did not say that. I reminded him that we are the two most important people in his life, and that Joel is Jeff's boyfriend because he sees something in you that makes him weak. Something that makes him bring his guard down. Something that I didn't have. I have understood all of that. So why does it still hurt?
In every relationship that I have attempted and been in, I have always been the "friend" that they will cherish forever. I am everyone's little gem. I don't understand this. If I was everyone's little gem, then why am I not the jewel that they want to flash and show off to everybody?
When I was trying to be straight once upon a time, every girl that I talked to told me this. Then they go off in a relationship with a guy that treated them like crap. Back when I cared, I would wonder if this is what women really wanted: someone that treats them like crap and makes them feel bad about themselves.
Many years later, in the gay world, I feel like I am never really good enough for anyone. And the people that drool over me are people that I just cannot be myself with, cannot be happy with.
Once upon a relationship, Jeff called me his best-kept secret. He told me that I am such a catch that any man that had me in his life would be completely happy. I have a good soul, a good heart. He is afraid that one day, someone is going to find out about this little secret and take him away from him. And then, only then, will he truly regret not being able to open himself up to me. It was at that moment that I cried. It was truly the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Before I met Jeff, I really felt like no one really cared about me, like no one could ever love me as much as I loved them. When Jeff and I were dating, I felt like I could actually wake up in the morning and get out of bed in excitement of what the day holds for me. Because no matter how bad the day was going to turn out, I was still going to see the love of my life after he gets off work. Now, I don't have that, I just have me to wake up to. This town that I live in has just me now. I don't have him closeby anymore.
I know I need to be strong, and stop complaining. He left me months before he even moved. I just held onto the possibility of: "if...." But I get contemplative when the rain falls. It is raining like a total bitch out there today and I am inside watching it fall. That's the thing with rain, when it is falling, no one wants to be outside to feel it fall, we would all rather keep ourselves inside where it is dry, warm, and with everyone else.
I can't explain why I get contemplative, maybe it is the beautiful ambience of hearing the drops of rain colliding with the asphalt, or the feeling of security, or maybe it is just the inner goth in me; but in times like these, I wonder where my life is going and what the next step holds for me and what I need to do to get there.
I know the next step is to move up to LA. I know I need to save up money, but it seems that whenever I have the drive to do so, something in my life happens that steals all my money. Recently, I got paid pretty well, and it is all going to get my muffler fixed, paying off a bogus bill from the my former medical insurance, and having to pay off my student loans as well as my credit card. There goes 600 right there.
I just have no idea what God is possibly doing with my life. Does he really want me to stay at my parents house until I turn 30? I don't fucking think so. It's bad enough I serve coffee to those people as they sit there with their friends and play "Dungeons and Dragons" until we close. Maybe I should just move up there and hope for the best. Pray for a fucking miracle. Because if I stay here any longer, I will only be hurt more and see Jeff settling with someone else while I am stuck here. Watching everyone's life pass before me, while I am here. Hating every aspect of my life.
See what happens when the rain falls? As much as I love it, it makes me yearn for things that are not even possible. Makes me believe in the possibility that one day, the rain will stop falling on me.
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2 comments:
Rather poetic and heartfelt P. A good showing of raw emotion that I'll refrain from taking it apart grammatically. Now then as for the "little gem" thing. Firstly realise that you're not alone in that. Maird, if I had a ten spot for every time a man or a woman has told me that I'd be as rich as Midas, but with better bathrooms, heh he. ;).
I've found that it's usually code for you're a great guy and all but you're not a great guy for me so let's stop dating. Luckily for me I've never been the insecure or jealous type so I've never been really hurt in the manner you presently are. Remember though, you can't keep running away from things just because they're wretched. No matter where you go, your demons shall eventually find you. You've got to buck up, save up, and focus upon your goal and just do it. If need be do temp work in order to gain better work experience that pays better than coffee and offers decent medical. You can do it lad, believe in yourself and don't let rainy weather get you down. Think of it as a psychological and spiritual cleansing of all the bad things that have happened in the past by doing so you'll generate positive energy and attract positive energy (and useful people who can help you). As for Jeff, he's moved on so get over it. The only person you're hurting is yourself and that's so unworthy of you. Oh and lad, reduce the drama in your life. Too much emotion spells a serious decline in interest for most blokes considering a relationship. We all have our own baggage to handle but no one needs a steamer trunk.
Cheers P, and things shall get better even if you have to force yourself to make it get better. Find a roommate or a sugar daddy, anyone who can help you move out of your present situation.
Regardless, man up...by the by, God never throws anything upon our respective plates that he doesn't think we can't handle, even if we don't believe it ourselves.
Cheers,
David
PS. Like your soundtrack P. You'll pull through this lad, believe that you can do this and set your mind towards overcoming your obstacles and you shall eventually triumph. Though in the mean time keep doing what you're doing, perhaps even create an independant film, whatever you can do to get where you want to be. You've the talent and the vision lad, never lose sight of that.
D.
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