Placebo

Suddenly today, my heart hurt and felt like I was dying. Like someone was pulling that ritual they did in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and pulled it out showing me my slowly decelerating heart. Dripping blood slowly down to the world below. Something had suddenly come over me. It was the pain of giving up. Of someone giving up on you.

It took one sentence, and this made the very existence of time put into question. A conversation that seemed to seem harmless, suddenly took a turn for the worst. It was my own curiosity that led it to that one sentence.

Asking an ex why you broke up is one of the hardest moments in a person's life, besides putting your dog down, even if you two as a couple (the ex and you) seemed like the cutest couple. They are honest, something that they fear to use in a relationship.

What really makes up a relationship? Is a relationship established on a lie that you tell each other so that you can keep your insecurity down? Is it like a placebo pill you take to supposedly make you feel better when in reality, it does nothing?

I know I need to move on. My feelings should be shot, too numb to feel pain. But why does my heart bleed so much for him? Am I always doomed to love in a swinger generation?

Having someone tell you that they gave up on you before they even met you, hearing that he knew that we weren't going to last because he didn't want it to, knowing that I was clingy, just made him not want to try to let me into his heart. I felt like a person that was being put off life-support because my only person told the doctors to pull the plug because he gave up hoping for a miracle.

My entire life has been stricken with this: Of people constantly letting me down when I needed them the most, always being told with the utmost subtlety they can muster. Why do I even rely on humanity to help me through pain when they are a faulted being? I mean, after all the pain that I heal in other's life, when is someone going to even help me that won't give up on me?

Guess it's another lie that my mom told me when growing up to keep me wishing each year, like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or Mickey Mouse. There is no Santa Clause, Mickey Mouse, Tooth Fairy, nor a loving being. All placebos to help us deal with ourselves.