The Greater Good?

War is man's fallen nature where good and evil are blurred by each other's biased opinion. Beginning with the old Biblical wars to the pointless "War on Terror," it will always be man's way of solving a problem. Instead of discussing peace, we resort to hatred and war to solve a problem.

We see this in our media. We have shows resorting to tracking a man within a day's span of stopping terrorists from blowing up yet another car or killing yet another stuntman. News screaming of death and destruction because some President lied to us of the "enemy" having weapons of mass destruction, killing a leader just because he hated him, and let the real answer to the problem get away to hide and ridicule us via VCR tapes. We even enjoy watching humans get in a fight, not only in boxing matches, but also in shows where we find out just who is the man that is sleeping with a girls-ex-husband's-drag-queen-bestializing-best-friends-lover and enjoy each other duking it out as the bouncers pretend to hold back the fight.

Yet sometimes in our culture, we begin to understand that really, if two different cultures view the other as an enemy, what is really doing the greater good? If one culture is disagreeing with the other, what defines a person's moral behavior to be just and to be "doing the right thing"?

This is how I feel like in my own personal life. I am watching two of my emotions in a constant battle over one another. Trying to move on from someone I love so much, but also is notorious for breaking my heart so often in my life. I begin to wonder if I stay in situations like this because I am a massochist, or if it's because I am always used to being let down from my male influences that it just seems to be the human behavior that I surround myself with, or could it be possibly I still wait and hope that one day, he is going to come to terms with himself and realize that I am the best thing that happened to him and that he needs to come to me.

Yet my emotions just fight over one another, almost like an alcoholic begging for the drink, but knows he must remain sober to uphold his agreement to the Serenity's Prayer. I know it's going to make me feel worse in the long run, but as long as I have something there to let out stress of my family hating me for being gay, or dealing with two bimbo bosses that don't think all the way., or frustrated with how everyone is moving on with their lives and careers, yet I am choosing to stay in the same place for one guy?

One side to me begs me to leave this place, move to Hollywood and start over. Allowing myself to become dedicated to my writing to get me by in life and make me into a successful person that I always dreamed of; or constantly waiting for someone and blaming him down the long line of years into the future because I gave up my life to be the most loved person that I always dreamed of. Sometimes I don't even make sense.

Very much in similarities, it is just like war. What side is doing the greater good to benefit my life? Am I doing the right thing in being selfish, something that I am not used to being; or am I doing the right thing to fight for the one person I really love? Sometimes doing all these things in my head, I wonder, what is the greater good in my life? What will make me the most happiest. And the scary thing is, I have been hurt by either side, I really have no idea who is winning this war...