Earlier tonight, I vented my frustrations of the things that are bothering me in my life to a dear friend that had the patience listen to me bitch for over an hour on the phone hearing my cries of frustration and longing for happiness.
I am starting to become something that is fearful of making a mistake; fearful of what he might become; fearful that in a couple months, he is going to have to make a really big decision that will effect his future. The very thought of making a mistake wakes me up at night, almost praying to God for it to not happen. That I might the right decision and learn to grow in it, without any second thoughts...yet they haunt me.
The downside to being who I am...there is not enough space on this blog to even begin. But basically: I am a forgiving, always loving, self-sacrificing, gay male that wants to be happy. I know that sounds like everyone's ambition. But when you were raised in this same environment, maybe you would understand.
I don't mean to look for pity. I am basically just letting out my frustrations. This is my version of cutting myself. Writing has become a form of release. My own blood becomes the ink to my own pen, writing the pain in my life. Yet although it has become a tool to warn others, it has also become the scapel to cut me open. Exposing my insides and really discovering the anatomy to my own foreign body. Yes, it's painful and it will get messy; a writer's life is never blood free. I feel like my heart is being operated on while I am still awake.Watching them callouse some parts and softening up others for emergencies.
Yet, sometimes, I feel like I am hardening up and becoming afraid to open myself up to people. I will soon be the statue of David. Hard as marble (my heart that is, not my hard-on), and although I may look pleasing to the eye, I am not willing to budge or change for fear of yet another person breaking my heart.
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The fear of making mistakes stems from an erroneous link of causes and effect that goes like this "if I choose the wrong A, then I will get a worse B, if I get a worse... , and if.. then... and if.. then, and then I'll die." In other words, the mind, especially the creative mind, will devise a path between the mistake and some major calamity. Try writing down the consequences of the potential mistake to uncover the exaggerated consequences. Then laugh at it.
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