Be

Almost two days since the go-go dancing audition. They haven't called. I obviously didn't get it. However, I really don't care. It would have been nice to have the money; however, this is something that I think would be too much for me to deal with. I am still feeling the side effects in which I have no idea if it's the idea of having power or if it's the joy of feeling noticed. But in spite of attention nonetheless, I have come to terms with furthering myself for the better of it all.

I mean it's only obvious that I learned how brave I can actually be to better myself and let myself have a fun time! I have never had a better time in a club besides the times that I dated my ex-boyfriend. Every time I went to the club, I would be reminded of how fun those times were and get all nostalgic to something I once had.

After the amazing aftershocks and having a copy of DJ Nikno's cd, I was able to face a different facet to truth. I have work to do to my body while I have a summer of just work and having an incredibly active job. I can lose weight quicker. My job allows me to spend alot of time with myself; allowing myself to think about who I am while watching the water for drowning kids. And thinking about my experiences alot today helped me realize that although I am going to the gym religiously, I am always breaking even and making slow progress to better my body's image. So today, I have been eating healthier foods and not really allowing myself to cheat. If I want to get a really nice body, I have to be committed to my diet. No more slacking off, until saturdays or sundays when I can be as nasty as I want.

The final thing that I found out about myself is just about more personal. I am realizing the power of letting go. Letting things be and not feel like I always have to be in control to make things work. Things aren't always my fault and I won't be put to blame if someone else caused it. The more controlling I am with certain people and certain things in my life, the more I feel like I am losing control of things if flaws start showing up. I realized I am addicted to trying to be perfect when everything in my life is not perfect at all. Then when I become depressed or extremely tired and depressed, I become very self-pitied of the things that I might have (not) messed up on. Majority of the time things aren't my fault but I make myself become more determined to make it my fault. Find a reason for a flaw and beat myself up about it.

It's like underwear. If you wear briefs, you start to feel bunched up and uptight. Well maybe that's because I hate wearing briefs. The looser my clothing is, the happier I get. Same thing goes for my life. The more I hold everything in, the more claustrophobic I become. However if I let things swing free (you have to laugh at that), the more I can allow myself room for improvement. I will move to the next paragraph before taking this too far.

To be is to let things take place on their own without having control in anyway. Be is a very powerful word and sounds like the letter B. B is a powerful letter for it has the word Bitch, my favorite word to use in the English dictionary. This word is so powerful, it was separated into two verbs in the Spanish language. The spanish verb ser is used to display something that will always be there; whereas, the verb estar is used to have something temporary or have a temporary action being done. How I wish the one thing in my life that I hope for may be aser and not an estar. The Beatles encourage their listeners to let it be, the greatest words of wisdom. How I need to practice what I preach.

It was once said that if you let something go, and if it returns to you, it is meant to be with you forever. However, hold something in and it will find a way to escape. I need to remind myself that sometimes if I really want something, I have to give it up to someone that has more power to make things be. I am not my own god; therefore, I have to give it to the one that can make things possible.