Hop, Skip, Get Naked

Live. Love. Be. The theme of Pride this year. It's interesting to see how much I have grown after a month of being independent and waking up from my Jeff-Pablo romance story I was writing in my head. I am not the writer of that story, God is. And so far, I know that Jeff is my best friend. The men I meet, date, and befriend will never compare to my love that I will have for Jeff.

I was hanging out with my new guy Matt Friday night, the eve of the San Diego Gay Pride Parade. We had crashed a party two houses away from his. This house, and the host, made me feel like I was in a gay version of The Great Gatsby. Matt was the new guy from Nebraska, I was Daisy, the flapper. I am "cheating" on my husband by hanging out with the man in West Egg.

Upon entering the house, we were greeted by the host, who offered us to go to the backyard if we wanted to get naked. Being curious, we went to the backyard, hoping to see an orgy going on; however, to our surprise, the only thing that was getting naked was the cooler. The cooler had a sign on it that said: "Hop, Skip, Get Naked." It was a suicide drink comprised of lime juice, vodka, and beer. I was already buzzing after the vodka tonic that Matt made me at his house, having three of those drinks brought the happy buzz in me.

After eating half the food, being begged by the host's gay dog for our food, and drinking three glasses of the Naked suicide drink, we began to make our way to Rich's. I was on the VIP list and can dodge the entire line. It was an amazing plus because I had to pee really bad. When we got inside, we had to fight the crowd to get to the main dance floor to the bathroom. The main dance floor was packed, you could not touch the floor without stepping on a shoe!

Matt and I began to dance. He is the only guy that works as hard as I am with dancing. The music was okay, it didn't grab my adrenalin like DJ Nikno does. While dancing, I looked over my left to see Jeff dancing by himself. I make my way over to him and hug him. It was good to see him making the moves of letting go of his fiancee and moving with his life, something that took me until recently to do. Matt asked me who that was, I told him that that is my best friend. "I would give my left kidney for this guy."

As we were dancing, and Matt was avoiding eye contact with me, I began to look for Jeff. Don't worry, I wasn't going to weave another love story out of it, I just wanted to see how he was doing. He was on one of the podiums, dancing by himself. Eyes scanning the bodies looking for someone hot to dance with, but with no luck.

As we left the club and I dropped Matt in front of his apartment, I invited him to meet me at Pride tomorrow and to text me when he is awake. I was driving off back home, I texted Jeff and told him that it was really good seeing him at the clubs and was hoping to see him at Pride tomorrow.

Driving down the 15. Contemplating my now-questioning feelings for Matt, since all he does with me is put up an emotional wall for me to break through. From behind, I see the familiar headlights of Jeff's car. He speeds up to where I am at and I look over to see his smiling face, telling me to pull over at the next Denny's.

When we meet, I make my way over to him. Happy that I was on a date and that I had finally overcome my feelings for Jeff. I ask him how he is doing, and he just says "I need a hug."

I hug him as he tells me how lonely he is feeling. How he just feels like he is losing it. When he saw me at the club, he was fearing that I will start to not talk to him anymore. How he is just going to spend his days lonely, regretting how things are turning out between us. I began to hold him close to me, telling him that he will ALWAYS have me, I distance myself for my own sake because I don't want to get hurt anymore. I wanted to hang out with him this week, but still felt like I needed to recover. I need my space right now.

My heart was breaking for him. I was in the same spot when we broke up, yet here I am still here for him. When he was telling me what was going on in his mind, I was fighting back tears because my heart was overwhelmed by what he was feeling. I don't ever want Jeff to be in that spot where I was in. It was dark, it was lonely, it almost killed me.

It's funny how the more progress I am making with my life, the more I realize how I am still in the same spot that I will always be in: hopelessly in love with this guy and wanting more. Jeff is realizing that things between us will never be the same again. I will not always be hanging at every word anymore. I am going to move on with my life and if he wants to go after me, he is going to have to pursue me like everyone else. I am not going to make it easy for him, because the last two times I let that happen, I ended up hurt. I want him to know that he needs to prove that he wants to be there for me and not feel like he doesn't have to try with me. Because, according to the polls of all my boyfriends, I am a catch and a hottie, I am not going to let people take advantage of that.