Pressure

Diamonds are a girls BFF. Give her a Zales diamond, or even cubic zirconium, they will be speechless (well until they crack the cubic zirconium to see that it's a sham and then they will after you). It has become the symbol for traditional marriages as a symbol of something that will never die. A diamond is one of the most strongest stones in the world. The only thing that can cut a diamond is a diamond itself. For most traditional marriages, it is the symbol of something that can never be torn apart; however, with the rate of successful marriages in today's world, it seems that the diamond can't hold two people together. No matter how many carats there are in that damn thing.

Diamonds are beautiful. Expensive. A real catch. But what I am mainly writing about is the process is how these beautiful stones are actually created. Intense Pressure and heat over a long period of time. They aren't made overnight, they take a while for these stones to be beautiful.

I ate at Panda Express recently and read my fortune from the cookies. It read: "The Path to Glory will be Rough, but well worth it." They better be right. I hate to brag, but this is one of the few analogies I can hold onto right now. The fortune and the diamond are one of the few things that is helping me deal with what I am experiencing right now.

For the past three days, I have been training my head to fight against my urges towards Jeff. Fighting my mind from creating another story. However, today, I had to break it and let it out. I felt like Willow in Buffy. Suddenly powerful in creating an entire story in a matter of moments and brain synapses. Yet, while I was mid-story, I stopped myself and began to think about something else.

Rob: Things were going good with him, then he shut down. It began with him flaking out, then not returning my calls, plus with realizing that I am doing most of the work in this relationship...yet again. I texted him the other day telling him to not bother calling me again. I have to call him, I have to drive over there. I don't want to end up like I did with Jeff: Depressed and suicidal for a long period of time. In the end, he was just like other guys that I tried dating to get Jeff out of my mind: the moment that you can invest your heart into them, they disappear.

Dad: My dad now has Type 2 Diabetes and Hepatitis. His entire life is going to be different and always watching his diet to make sure that he won't go into hypo/hyperglycemic shock. I don't want my dad to be like Julia Roberts in "Steel Magnolias." Whenever I look at him now, I don't see myself hating him; but rather, feeling pity and sympathy.

Jeff: Obviously getting married before the November elections that will decide if marriage will really be between a man and a woman in the state of California. Either way, Jeff will be married. That's my worry. I am not say this because I want him, I am saying it because he has never committed to anyone. He once told me: "I make a better friend than a lover." Being in a relationship for him makes him claustrophobic. If he gets married and wants to back out of it, it will take more than Jeff saying: "I can't do this" and it being over. It is going to take the power of an attorney, divorce papers, and lots of money. I don't want him to make a mistake and I have to hear about it. But either way, it is going to be something that is permanent. I want him to be happy and not in pain...the pain is my job.

Future: What does my future hold for me? If i am going to be a writer, is going through all this pain really necessary? God must be planning on making me into an incredible writer if He is asking me to experience so much at the same time.

But why do I cry? Why did I cry at work? Was it because I feel like I am damaged goods? Was it because I just feel like I am making a great big set of mistakes? I know I can be his friend because leaving him left me feeling so numb. Maybe I am just tired and need more sleep. I tend to get really analytical when I am tired (don't ask me how I do this).

But is all this pressure that is happening in my life, is it really going to help me in the end? Is it going to lead me to the goal/man/happiness that I am aiming for? Diamonds are made from the ugliest of coals and placed in extreme heat and formed under great pressure into a diamond. Will the same happen to me? Am I going to be all right? Because right now I feel like I am making too many mistakes and holding people up way too high.