Thanks for Sharing

No words could have described the pain that I was experiencing yesterday, feeling my world falling apart yet again. Feeling like Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer when stupid Warren kills her girlfriend just after they get back together. I wanted someone to feel my pain. I wanted some other form of pain so I would not focus on the anguish I was feeling.

As I was talking to my straight-gay wife about my problems, I was asking her to come hit me with a car. I told her I wanted to get in a fight. Anything to help me stop feeling the pain of losing my best friend, anything to help me move on.

I hate how I always experience emotional pain. Why I am always the victim of emotional pain, most of it's self-inflicted; but in any case, it is always revolved around one thing. My ability to create fiction in my head to help me handle hard times. The downsides to being a writer.

When I considered myself to be in a relationship with this guy, I created this whole story in my head that one day, if I am patient, he will one day ask me to be his boyfriend. I would be waiting like Carrie with Big. But as already mentioned, it was a fictional story that I had created to help me table that discussion while I deal with other things in my life such as: my dad being in the hospital, my financial problems, my job that sometimes makes me wonder why I even returned, and my search for Mister Right. But with me creating stories to help me table bigger problems in my life, I began to realize that it was not helping me in any way, but making things worse and more complicated. This all resulted in my emotional/anxiety/spiritual shutdowns that would occur whenever things were not going in the way that I wanted it. And all this was brought to my attention by one person.

I was on the phone with one of the many concerned friends calling me when one of my students from the water aerobics class that I teach in the mornings arrived to go over my script. I had my sunglasses on to hide my tears and anguish. She sat down and without hesitation, grabbed my hand and asked me what was going on. It took me two moments to word-vomit the entire story to her. And in return, she gave me some advice that I am using right now as I am writing this blog.

It's funny how a lesbian woman will give you the downright honest truth and how sometimes other close friends will give you advice that doesn't really work. I have known this woman for several years, she would come into lap swim back when I was in the closet. I would want to talk to her and her friend because they were lesbians and had some intuition that I could trust them. Now, several years later, they came into take my water aerobics class that I recently started up. Ever since then, I would tell them my little adventures in Hillcrest, about Jeff, and would also ask for advice. It's funny how life often gives you people when you least expect it.

She told me that what I just confessed earlier: that I create ficitonal stories in my head as a type of therapy to help myself through hard times. It's a bad habit because I end up believing the fiction rather than the fact that Jeff and I are over. So she told me to stop focusing on the past, stop focusing on creating the story of Jeff and Pablo and begin on other stories, like the story of Robert and Pablo (even though he is being a little weird right now). She told me to allow the voice in my head to get creative, but to not allow it to have a foothold in my life. And she gave me the solution to my problems with one three-phrase.

"Thanks for Sharing." Something to tell the voice in my head when I begin to feel a little feeling for Jeff. The voice in my head, if I let that feeling go to that part of the brain, will begin to create nostalgic, sentimental, and painful memories. So by saying: "thanks for sharing," will help me to redirect my focus on more important things: like my life and advancing myself towards better things.

I never realized how often I said it out loud. For example, one of my kids I was teaching this morning was talking to me, then suddenly, my mind started weaving a story about Jeff and I. Without even basking in that feeling, I uttered aloud "thanks for sharing" just as the kid stopped talking. It made me sound like such a dick. Like I really did no care what she even had to say. I mean yeah, it was pointless; however, I am not the type of guy to show apathy for a child's discovery in some minuscule idea. I ended up saying it so many times, people would get freaked out by me just talking and then stopping the conversation just to mention: "thanks for sharing." I explained my situation to my counselors when they were starting to wonder why I am suddenly saying it in front of them and in front of the kids. When I did, they were able to understand. But their first reaction to my little story behind it resulted in them being angry about how much of a jerk Jeff was to do all this to me.

Seriously, I am not mad at Jeff in any way possible. I am really happy for him. I am going to be fully supportive of his decision of finally finding someone that will make him happy and his decision to settle down with someone. I am not looking for pity with me writing these blogs (because I am writing these blogs to better myself and to keep people updated on what's going on in my life), nor am I looking for you to bash my best friend. If there's anyone that knows alot about this guy, it's me....well and his family and his friend Paul. After being his boyfriend and best friend for two years, I think I know how he works....well sometimes.

Today, I thought I would still be depressed and self-pitied. But when I woke up this morning, I got my clothes on, taught my class and my camps and was really energetic. I was hyper. I was a smart ass. I was normal, or at least I felt normal. Actually, to be honest, I don't think I have felt so strong and confident in my life. I gathered up the courage to end something and to be honest enough to finally realize my faults. Maybe I make more steps forward than I realized.

I called Jeff later on in the day to tell him that I am willing to be his friend and support him; however, I need to give myself time to recooperate and gather myself back together. I want to hear him talk about his future husband, I want to see him glow, I want to see him happy, and to show me that nice wedding band on his finger.

I am not looking for pity, nor am I looking for you to bash Jeff in any way. I am going to fully support his decision. I am like Hillary Clinton right now, I am here to fully support him in spite of my loss. Smiling and willing to see the changes in my life unfold. Realizing that one day, my prince will come too. And then I will be married as well. Married and hopefully (the only fantasy that I am allowing myself to toy with) will have Jeff still in my life to have his kids over and to gossip about the fat neighbors next door and to be called "Uncle Pablo." For my kids to call him "Uncle Jeff." Even though he is not related to me, he and I have such a close bond that I consider to him to be apart of my family.

Thanks for Sharing. Now time to refocus.