Evolutions: Botulism (part 4)

Botulism. Samonella. My nutrition teacher was a total germaphobe. She would scare us naive students with horror stories. At the grocery store, you should never buy meat and not put it in a plastic bag. The blood from the meat could spill on your foods and ruin it with various diseases. You should also never place your foods on a wet conveyor belt at the check out lines. You could risk exposing your food to old milk or other quickly expired foods that could put yourself at risk. Out of all these things, the one thing you should really never do is buy imploded cans. You risk getting something called botulism where it is a virus that kills your nervous system and if not treated, you risk paralysis. Plastic surgeons use botulism; however, it is used in minimal doses to paralyze the skin to prevent wrinkles: otherwise known as botox.

Like imploded cans, we can become imploded as well. Imploded with mixed emotions about people or about the events that are going on in our life. And in the grocery store of life, it is recommended to the shoppers to never buy the imploded types. Because they are called "damaged goods."

Is there a breaking point where we transition from the damaged goods aisle and into the premium goods? Or is there no hope for recovery from the botulism that has contaminated our goods?

Last night I recieved a text message from Robert's friends, inviting me to the clubs with them. They were going to the premiere of a new lesbian night at Numbers and were going to have a lot of girls with them. I told them I would go if they were going (a gay man going to a lesbian club? no thanks.). I ended the conversation with saying that I was going to rich's.

Bumping music. Flashing lights. Dancing go-go dancers. Beautiful bodies. Everything being a total blur. I join the sea of bodies, the sea of various emotions, the sea of various stories and begin to dance my problems away. I guess that's what some of us do at the club, move so much that the emotions and drama slide off us like fat on a grilled strip of meat.

I continue dancing. Knowing that I am just there to have fun, and whatever else happens...let it will be. Then, I look over to see Robert's friends there. And in the middle of the group was Robert himself. Inner rage burns inside me as I see him. I don't know if the rage was built on Rob being at the club, or if it was directed to Robert's friend, who knew that Rob would be there and just decided to let it slip.

He looked at me, but I was not going to make the first move. If I am the catch that people say that I am, then he should've been making his way over to me. Apologizing about being distant. But he didn't. That's what made me mad about him. Then his friend and I exchanged glances. I called him over to me. As soon as he came over to me, I begin to dance with him to make it not seem obvious that I was mad at him.

"Did you not tell me that Rob was coming so that you could set us up again?" I asked him.
He was drunk off his ass. He pulled me really close to his lips. He had drunk so much that I could practically smell what drink he had.
"He's been going through alot and is really wasted. Going through some family stuff and shit like that. I wouldn't be worried about it."

Well I was. Because I cared about him.

Rob's friend kisses me as he goes back to his boyfriend and Rob. I was still very angry. I have been dealing with a family crisis of my own. I have been dealing with finding out that the love of my life is getting married to someone else. I am dealing with being alone again. I am fighting my urges to create Jeff fantasies again for fear of going overboard and killing myself over my pain that I deal with day in and day out. Yet in spite of all this, I still smile, I still am friendly, I still am strong and can deal with it.

Rob began to dance with other people. Completely ignoring me. I realized: am I really in the damaged goods aisle? And if I am placed in this imaginary aisle, then why am I so much of a catch? I must be an imploded can of the best tasting goods, people see it and really want it; however, they were told to never buy an imploded can of damaged goods. Because although it may taste sweet, I am slowly killing you.

Why am I attracted to all the heartbreakers? All the boyfriends that I have, they have all found a way to really hurt me. Jeff disappeared and broke up with me. Paul was a guy that just couldn't do it right in any way (he was more of a rebound but I still count him). Steve was just bad in bed and expected me to carry all the weight. Jeff (part two) couldn't commit...go figure. And now Rob. Rob is a guy that expected a lot from me. I cared, and still now, about him. He was not only hot, but he was someone that had a good sense of humor and knew how to make me feel at home. But there was a defect in the goods that gave us an expiration date to the relationship. And it was the same as everyone else: they disappear and shut down.

As I was leaving the club, watching people walking by me, walking hand in hand, kissing affectionately, I couldn't help but get self-pitied. When am I going to be over this pain? When is things going to change for me? When am I going to wake up without pain over a lover? What does it take to get rid of the botulism that is in my system?