The Food Chain

Letting go, as mentioned in the prologue to this new series of blogs, takes accepting something new and letting go of the old world. One of the main things in evolutions is just when you think you are at the top of the food chain, there is always some other reptile in the world that is willing to pull the wool from your eyes into something else. I thought that by ending this friendship that I would have the upper hand, that I would be a the top of the food chain in this friendship; however, he opened up another twist in it to reveal that I am still at the bottom. And it begins with a text.

It's been two years today since I met this guy, to people that have read my Carrie blog, he is my Mister Big. He has been my former lover, and has up until now been my best friend. However, due to some of the chain of events that occurred, I led myself to the conclusion that I can't continue this friendship, because I am making myself believe a fairy-tale that will never be made into a happily ever after. I lived too much in my own story, writing too much on my feelings and hoping that one day, he will come to his senses and turn around and give me a call in the middle of the night, telling me how much he is sorry and how much he misses me. But like I said, that was all but a fiction in my head.

At the gym. Running out my frustrations with my father being in the hospital, having to yell at my staff for their negligence and lack of dedication to the job, I write a text to Mister Big, asking for all my stuff back, telling him I can't take any of this shit anymore with him. He became concerned and wanted me to talk to him about it. Without even hesitating, I stopped the treadmill and stormed out of the gym, filled with rage and being more than willing to end this friendship with him once and for all.

Driving down the street, praying that I know what I am going to say, wishing that I can be strong, I arrive at the house faster than I had anticipated. He had just arrived, carrying groceries. After sorting them out, he led me to the balcony where we could talk in private.

I begin by being upfront with him, I can't be his friend anymore because I was angry that I was giving up so much of myself without having alot being reciprocated. This has been an ongoing issue that has led to me bringing it out into the open now. Then after a while, I began to talk about my seeing a new guy (the guy in the prologue blogs), my joy and pain behind it all. Then after sitting with an awkward couple of moments of silence, he asks: "So what's the verdict? Do you still want to be friends with me or not?"

Time suddenly froze as I began to reflect on my day. I had spent the day contemplating what I was going to say, and once I had an outline in my head on what I was going to say, I decided to send the text and begin the discussion. As already mentioned, I was filled with rage, ready to be as malicious as possible to make sure that he was the one that was left hurt and I was the one on top for once. However, as I sat there, looking at him, I began to realize that I was really stuck in the middle still with this guy. Sure, I like hanging out with him, but do I really want to surround myself in pain all the time? If I want pain, I will get into S&M.

So I responded with doubt. Yes, I wanted to be without pain so I can move on with my life; however, I love talking to him and being around him because we have both been through a great deal of trouble together and don't really want to give up on someone.

Then he gave me an option. I can either not be friends with him anymore and not experience pain; or I can stay in it and will have to understand that he is evolving as well: He is seeing someone and they are getting serious. It was at this point that I was pushed down to the bottom of the food chain again, placed at a point of not being the survival of the fittest: he is moving in with this guy and they are engaged to be married.

My heart stopped beating, my jaw dropped to the ground, I had to stand up and walk around. Seriously considering my options now. Do I really want to be around a person that I still care about, or do I want to grow up and move on with my life?

The voices in my head began to whisper as I walked down the balcony. I began contemplating and looking at the nearby mountains. They were decorated with large boulders that looked like pebbles where I am standing. I then began to observe the tree in front of the apartment. By now, the voices were screaming: "Don't do it! You can't do it!"

I walk over to where Mister Big was at, I rest my head on his and apologize: "I am sorry, but I really can't do this anymore." It was at this point that I suddenly break down crying, knowing that evolution had finally taken it's hold on me. We both hold each other, knowing that this was going to be the last time that we were going to see each other. I held onto him as if I were going to be executed and he was going to be the last person I would touch. Feeling his warmth one last time, understanding that the choice I had made was one that took more than courage to make.

As he gave me my stuff, I felt the world suddenly crash around me. I was feeling like I was going to be alone again, and the very fact of facing this alone scared me to the point of giving up on myself entirely. I called up my friend Lindsay in New York and cried on the phone the entire time, talking to her about my grief of losing my best friend as well as wanting to die because my pain had just become too great to bear anymore.

Evolution had taken such a hold on me that I pushed myself to giving up on myself. Yet at the same time, I began to realize that I need to stop pitying myself and move on, facing the future. I have 20 more hours to grieve. Then I am going to move on.

After crying, I met up with one of my lesbian friends that helped me deal with all this. She helped me realized that I live on my feelings, that I base my hopes on a fictional charicature version of my friends as well as my lovers. I expect too much from humanity to the point when they wrong me, I become really disappointed in them. And how I need to stop trying to focus on my past and look forward into my future evolution: an accomplished writer, and a person that is not able to weigh their decisions on their emotions.

I miss my best friend like crazy right now, because he is one of the few people that I trust right now. But I need to focus on the future and better myself before I make yet another mistake.