Hot Mess

In my favorite TV series of all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy's best friend Willow turns evil. This is the result of Buffy's enemy and former classmate, Warren, arriving at Buffy's house with a gun and opening fire, shooting Willow's girlfriend with a stray bullet. When Willow's girlfriend dies, she changes from being good into a very powerful witch that comes very close to destroying the world.

Today is the last day of summer. Tomorrow begins the season of fall, when things that became alive and flourishing full of life with the previous season now begin to go into self-preservation. Looking back at my summer, I have discovered several things. It's amazing what 3 months being a post-graduate can do to you. However, in spite of me learning a great deal of things about growing up, I have learned one thing: The dark side of me is powerful. I may not be as bad as Dark Willow, but the way that I am when I am like this, is definitely Diary of a Mad Black Woman status.

This summer has been about extreme maturing growth as an individual, experiencing disappointment within relationships, and understanding that life needs to be handled on a day-to-day basis. It seemed like with the passing of everyday, there was a new drama that began to take hold on my life. Sure, it's good for a story, but having to deal with it while trying to keep a smile on your face at the same time can be...complicated. However, what happened to me this weekend was something that I never do.

Normally, I am able to keep my cool when it comes to people telling me things involving my relationship with them. I was able to keep myself leveled when Jeff tells me things about us that drive him nuts; I was able to handle the pressure of being yelled at by my boss when she wanted to talk about how I was running the camp; and I was able to execute professionalism and class when dealing with my unemployment crisis. But, the moment I left Robert's house, a part within me snapped. Something dark awoke within me and put my good side into a comatose state for the night. I was burning with rage, and all I wanted to do was destroy. It really wasn't Robert's fault that made me like this, but it was resulting from everything else.

Robert and I are done. I closed that door the day that I broke up with him. We agreed to be friends and just have fun. We still enjoy each other's company, except without sex. Sure, we fooled around a couple times; but who hasn't slept with an ex? Anyways, he was feeling sick, his excuse was because his new boyfriend was in Japan for 6 months. He was lonely and wanted me to hang out with him. Since I am unemployed and have nothing else going on within my agenda, I decided to pay him a visit.

He was sitting at the front porch when I brought him a smoothie to help him feel better. I wanted to see how he was doing and also wanted to hear about this new boy. As he was talking and glowing about this guy, I began to notice pieces of his story that raised problems with me: they were conflicting with our relationship time table. While listening to him, I began to piece parts of my story where he was not there with pieces of his story of his new boy; to my surprise: they fit perfectly. Then I brought up the question to him while we were talking: "When you disappeared that week you and I were together, were you seeing this guy?" I got a yes.

But that didn't hurt me, it's what he said after that did:

"I wanted to tell you. I wanted to be honest with you, because you are a great guy and I love hanging out with you. It's just that I didn't want to hurt your feelings because you are a nice guy." These were the words that made me snap.

I am fed up with being fed a lie because I am a good person. I hate being let down easy because it would hurt to hear the truth. I am sick and tired of having people be so Goddamn sensitive of my feelings. I appreciate a person that will tell me the truth to my face than to have a person that will find an easy way of disappointing me. People do this to me all the time. All they see in me is how good of a person that I am. They fear that if they tell me something hurtful that I will just change the way I am because they were such a good friend in telling it to me nicely.

As I got into the car when I left Robert's house 45 minutes later and began to drive into the city, I could feel the good side of me fade away and rage and dark side burning brightly within me. I began to dwell on the idea that I am fed up with being a good person, always doing the right thing, and for having a conscience. I began to experiment with the thought of what it would be like to not live with that. To just "do what thou whilt." Then suddenly, I let go of everything good and became a completely different person, a person filled with rage, anger and pain. I wanted people to feel my pain. My pain of what I have experienced this past lifetime. I wanted others to go through what I go through, I wanted people to just experience pain....my pain.

Clubs that night...I was a hot mess. My mind was set under this rage. The music was bumping, hips were grinding, hot bodies were stripping, and Pablo was set on destroying. While dancing, this one guy was watching me dance, I told him to come over and dance with me, he pointed to his boyfriend, I gave him a look that said: "and your point is...." Not really caring about his prior commitments.

Later that night, I met this one guy and was dancing with him. I wasn't interested in him, but I figured that I would just give him the run-around, anyway. His friend was trying to dance with me, but I gave him a look that would make even puppies whimper. We were dancing and he reaches in my pants and starts to go exploring. However, the bouncers didn't really enjoy the sight and had us kicked out. I was angry at the time, but deep down, I was proud of doing something bad.

Enraged, I went to another club to continue my roaring rampage, telling my victim that if he really wants to have fun to come to this lesbian club with me. He told me he was going to go, but had to wait on his friend. I left to the other club. However, I didn't go, but waited outside pf it and watched them go inside, I walked away from the club, got in my car, and headed home.

Maybe it was because I was fed up with being good, always being the made the example for everyone's flawed morals; or maybe it was because I was really hurt by people treating me bad that I just wanted to do the same on another person, but when I calmed my inner rage down and brought the good back, I began to realize that I am just not happy where I am right now. I am a hot mess and really need to work on fixing myself and find something happy and clinging to it.

What do I have to show for my rage? Bad karma, depression, and loneliness. Enemies and evil characters in stories do most of their deeds alone and find themselves destroyed alot quicker than most heroes.

Earlier tonight, I called my friend upset at what I did this weekend and just upset on why my life is not progressing after graduating with a degree, being unemployed, and not really having a place to call home, and not really having anything to show for my hard work. My rage was coming from being treated like a good kid, from not going anywhere with my life, tired of being treated like a kid when it comes to the truth, and overall not being happy anywhere I go.

I just want things to progress for me; however, right now I feel like I spend too much time hoping for a miracle to arrive when nothing never comes along. I am tired of hoping. I want something real to keep me going, none of this fairy-tale bullshit of "someday, my prince will come." I want to be treated like an adult and be given the R-rated truth than facing the G-rated lie. But like Willow, I wanted them to feel my pain; however, being hell-bent on treating every person like shit is not going to help me. Even though some deserve it....kidding...