Step Two: The Boy

The island of Alcatraz. A prison that had the best security system in the world. Who knew that if you built something on an island surrounded by freezing cold water and sharks, there would be little to no survivors that tried to escape. They would either be eaten, poached by the guards out on the sea, or freeze their ass off trying to get away. No one was able to escape Alcatraz. They were all recaptured. But like this prison in the middle of the Gay Mecca of the World, my heart is set up in this manner also.

After my dark rage day on Friday, it really got me thinking about my life. I was mad because I was not happy where I was, and the fact that people keep doing shit behind my back and getting away with it, only to confess to me after the storm had calmed down. I know it's the courteous thing to do. Not telling your boyfriend that you found someone else was a hard thing for me to tackle too, but you get over what's courteous and do what's right. Either way, they are going to get hurt, so might want to euthanize before it will get any worse between you two. And DO NOT do it on the phone either, that's fucking lame and totally chicken. If there is one thing I will never forgive Jeff for is that he broke up with me over the phone when he was thinking about breaking up for two weeks. So after that dark rage, I decided to not allow anyone in. Close up the candy shop until the renovation is over. But right in the middle of my remodeling period, there is a guy knocking on the door to my heart that wants to get in. I want to open it up and see if it is someone that I can trust, or if it is another Jehovah's Witness hounding me.

His name is Jose, a guy that I met on Monday. I am not saying he's a bad guy, he is extremely caring. He has been single for two and a half years after his last one ended horribly. He is extremely passionate when it comes to the person that he's interested in (and a REALLY good kisser too!).

After meeting him at the mall on Monday and hanging out all night until 5am the next morning with him, he is already "sprung" over me. He was telling me that he "has not felt like this about anyone in so long..." and that "I am so hot that I can have any guy...." I like accepting compliments, it helps to keep me humble. The one thing that I don't like about any of this is how fast this guy is working. Within an hour, he had figured I was already at the point in the date that he could hug me from behind. I barely knew this guy and he was already trying to knock. My guard has never been up so high in my life.

I do not want to get hurt again. The last time I opened myself up to someone, they ended up disappearing on me and found them at Rich's a couple of days later (see blog: Evolutions (part 4): Botulism). Then after hanging out with him after turned out to be hard because I started finding out other things...bottom line: not fun. Now, I have a guy that really is head over heels with me and I have no interest in dating anyone right now.

It is just weird how eerie my life is changing. Evolution has taken hold in my life to the point where, as mentioned in my earlier blogs, I am starting to see facets of myself everywhere. Jose is becoming me when Jeff and I were dating (except I was more shy but still cute). Jeff is becoming me when he told me that Joel and him got back together. He is hopeful of starting over but a little hesitating to starting over after the pain that was done. My lesbian friend is afraid of going out and meeting by herself because she is so used to being in company with other people.

But this boy, Jose, just has gotten me so confused. A part of me wants to open up the doors to Alcatraz and let the crazies go free and see where it goes; at the same time, I have the other side of me that is so jaded by the fact of dating that I enjoy the adventures I encounter single. The other part of the equation that I just don't understand is that I am leaving to LA to start my writing career. Why would I fall in love with someone down here when I am going to be leaving in a couple of months? I am afraid that if I commit to opening my heart to him and we end up going out, that I might sacrifice my career for someone. If it doesn't work out and we break up, I will be blaming him for alot of things. A part of my identity that I do know for a fact is that the moment that I commit to something/someone and it burns down, I blame them for making me sacrifice my choices just so I could be happy with someone.

If there are things that I could change about him it would consists of some simple modifications. I really want him to stop being so pushy in seeing me again. He has been calling me every single night regarding when we are hanging out. Don't get me wrong, I like hanging out with him and all, it's just that I want my space right now. I don't want to move too fast and that is exactly what he's doing.

I want to change his taste in music. He likes Celine Dion. Granted her Grammy Nominated Album Falling into You was really good, everything else about her music just turns me off (except some of her older songs like The Power of Love were amazing too). Then his taste in movies and television shows. This guy is just screaming for a makeover in that area. Another thing are his tattoos. I really don't like tatoos on a guy. They are tacky and stay on you for the rest of your life. Not only that, but every trendy kid out there is getting one...get over it. Grab a sharpee and go to town.

The entanglements of love can be so complicated sometimes. I want so much for my life, but I would rather have a great-paying career than be in love right now. I need to move to LA. I am getting tired of living in the country. A couple hours ago, some kids in a car threw eggs at me and screamed "fuck you faggot!" while I was on the phone with Jose. Never before have I been hated like that before, it was really scary. I just hope that the decision I make will help me and that I won't get hurt. because I really can't afford to get hurt again for a while.