Unreality

Alice, the famous character in Lewis Carrols acid-endosed classic, finds curiosity so intriguing that she has to push herself deeper and deeper into a world of the bizarre. In the not-so-celebrated sequel, Alice finds herself going through a looking-glass and entering Wonderland again, where things become more fucked up than the last time.

But I am sure you don't want to be lectured on the plot analysis of Lewis Carrol's story. That's not important to y'all. What is important is when the girl crosses over into the mirror world, everything is not what it seems. Inanimate objects become alive, everything turns opposite on her in a matter of moments.

Since I have made the initiative to not take myself seriously, my life becomes more interesting. I have turned from being a bitter person that licks his own wounds into a person that just finds fun. Letting go of some of my inhibitions and reservations for one guy and allowing fate to take control of my life. Sometimes, I let my old self take over, but standing up for myself is more fun and makes for a better story. However, I feel like for some reason I have crossed so far into this new world, that I am beginning to see reflections of my old self everywhere.

Light travels at a speed of 299, 792, 458 meters per second (by the way, don't hate on the meters per second. Google gave me that number and I am too tired to look it up!) Staring at a mirror, light is travelling around that if you really think about it...you are looking at yourself milliseconds older. I know I am dragging at this tangent. But life is moving so fast right now, that I feel like when I look in the mirror, I see a person growing older mentally. Evolving into something that I don't know if I like or hate yet.

This all came to mind when I went on a date with this guy on Saturday. After talking to him for a while, I began to notice something with him. He is where I was two years ago; except the fact that he has a master's degree, a job, a house, and a life seperate from his parents. It was eerie hanging out with him and encountering other things that night that it has been disturbing me for the past three days.

I went to Numbers, an immediate sign that weird shit is going to go down. I am sorry, but alot of stuff has happened there. It was my first club experience when I was dating Jeff; it was the place that I seen him dancing with another guy for the first time; it was the first time that I seen him with his boyfriend/fiancee; and the place where I met Robert and Matt --both on seperate occassions, of course! When I met this new guy, I will call him "Cooper," this was his first club.

After drinking and talking, we made our way to the dance floor and began to dance. I hate to brag, but even before I met Jeff, I was a good dancer and knew how to follow. It took Cooper a while to transition from white boy to okay dancer. When I asked him about his dancing, he replied with a: "you just lead and I will follow." I was hit with a memory: I would let Jeff follow on our first date, as it drew on, I began to do things of my own.

Then I decided to push the envelope, there was this REALLY hot guy checking me out, my gaydarman senses detected he was a bottom, and I invited him over to dance with me in the middle. This led to massive jealousy with Cooper, he grabbed my hand and put it on his ass as he was teasing my ear. I kissed him to give him the relief that I was not going to hook up with this guy, but that I wanted to have fun.

But then, like Alice, things turn into Wonderland as the unexpected occurred: Jeff's ex-fiancee walks into the room and gives me the nastiest glare. As if I was the reason why him and his beau broke up. I felt like I was in an episode of Dynasty, except there was no random cat fight with flying vases/nails/slander. I looked back at this guy and all I saw was how he hurt Jeff, and I wanted to beat his face in because of it. No one fucks with my friends...

As the night grew on, I was asking Cooper questions about his gay experience: he has not been to Numbers nor Rich's at all. I started getting a little worried because this guy was getting really sprung on me; and the sad part: the feeling was not mutual...more of me having fun. Going to Rich's was just different because I felt like I had magically turned into someone else...I had turned into Jeff.

I can explain this in several examples. First one, to all these guys, they see me as the top in the relationship. Yes, I have become very headstrong and understanding how to fight for myself. I don't want people to fuck with me the way Robert and Jeff did again. Next example, I am deflowering this guy in introducing him to new facets of gay culture in San Diego. Yeah, he has experience in other parts of the world, but not in San Diego. Next, I do not want to be in a relationship right now. I do not see myself with anyone right now. I am in the process of moving to Hollywood to start my career, I am kinda not allowing myself to have any ties holding me down. The only things I want holding me down in my life right now are the ropes that are tied to both my hands and a bedpost.

This guy creeps me out not for his personality, I think he is a very intelligent person and really cute; however, he is too much like how I was two years ago that it's kinda scary seeing my own reflection. People tell me of their problems with their ex's or whatever, and even with them, I see reflections of my pain there. Like one of my friends was telling me about her girlfriend and how she is becoming a psycho stalker. I was once there, and hearing her talk about her ex puts me in an awkward situation. It's like hearing Jeff talking about me to an extent. I don't know if I am reading into this at all, but people talking about things that I can relate to helps put things into perspective for me and allow me to grow. Once again, a mirror can reflect things you may/may not want to see. It is the honest thing you can have in your life. I guess that is the reason why Lewis Carroll puts it into his stories.

Lewis Carroll, like many authors in the 19th and 20th century, believed in the power of allegories. Gulliver's Travels, Alice in Wonderland, The Man Nobody Knew, are just those examples that pokes fun at the world that we live in. Carroll uses the anology of the rabbit hole to hide the deeper meaning to government, culture, and life in general. In my opinion, the mirror represents the way truth can be known...even though it may sound strange and may see things that you are not prepared for. But Alice enters a world of unreality, a world where what is real is distorted and reversed in ways that question reason. Is what they are seeing really what the world is becoming to an extent?

I have entered this looking glass and making my way into a world of unreality. I am having fun, but am I doing it because deep down, I am still in pain? How far am I going to go down this other reality of where I have become a more confident person? I cannot seem to stress how much I love feeling like I can stand up for myself and for others more; however, is this a part of growing up?