Susan or the Tower

Stephen King is, in my honest opinion, one of the most influential writers of the 20th-21st Century.  To date, I have read around 20 of his novels (including those under his pseudo-name Richard Bachman). Two of his novels I disliked(Tommyknockers, Cujo), three others scared me(Insomnia, Carrie, Desperation).  King has a talent to which he is able to infuse terrifying scenarios in to real-life situations.   His characters that he creates exhibit either a genuine stream of consciousness, or a genuine form of evil.  In some of King’s work, evil is not possessed by a demon or some can-tah in the mining shafts in Nevada; rather, evil is something that lies dormant within an individual, awaiting its host to snap and thus allowing evil to take control.  

Recently, I decided to begin reading his epic series entitled The Dark Tower. It is based on a poem by Robert Browning entitled “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came.”  Unlike the poem however, this seven-book series involves an adult Roland Deschane, the last gunslinger, in his pursuit for the Dark Tower.  This fabled structure, standing at the center of the world, secures reality, time, and balance between both good and evil.  But Roland senses that something is wrong within the Tower, because the hinges of time and reality become unfastened around his world.   Initially, Roland begins his journey in solitude; yet as the story progresses, he begins to form a ka-tet, a team of his own apprentice gunslingers.

I know this may sound weird—and quite possibly bizarre/crazy—but I feel like Roland Deschane of Gilead, pursuing my own metaphorical Dark Tower: my career as a writer.  Without writing, the hinges to my own sanity become unfastened and become displaced my own feelings and psyche.  Writing has always been my retreat for creativity, a therapeutic comfort, and way to process what is going on within my life.   

As you follow Roland and his ka-tet on their journey, he explains a tale of forbidden love with a woman named Susan Delgado of Hambry.  However, he is forced to make a choice.  He could pursue the Dark Tower and restore balance to the world, or he could pursue his romantic endeavors with Susan.  If he choses this woman, the Dark Tower will fall and reality/time/balance will end everything under its restraints. I am not going to give the story away, so you will have to read it yoruself. But just like Roland, I am slowly coming to understand that there are better things in life than love.  Like the last gunslinger, I am forced to make a choice with my own destiny.  

They say that the people that you care about are the ones that hurt you the most.  Recently, I experienced it firsthand.  Although it was not the action itself that became the abysmal downward spiral, it did become the catalyst for my fears and insecurities to surface.

I understand that I am a complex person.  When I am upset/disappointed/angry, there are several layers buried underneath the issue at hand.  It is not the incident itself that pisses me off, but rather the underlying insecurities that haunt me.  Will I be successful in reaching my Tower?  But even once I do reach it, will I be completely satisfied?  Is love ever truly fulfilling when it has the potential of running away from you? Driving home that evening, I was plagued with these damning thoughts in my head. They soon advanced into questioning my integrity as a writer, a lover, and a human.  There are too many words to describe each facet to my doubt.  I became lost within myself, like Dante in his forest before his journey into the Inferno.

Stephen King writes in his memoir On Writing, the life of a writer is one that is damned to solitude, a prisoner within the narration of his life. However, it is having a support system always encourages a writer’s future endeavors in his literary journey.  Thankfully, I have a great support system of close friends and family that encourage me and push me closer to my goals.  My own ka-tet if you will.  

But I was not planning on falling for someone, it just happened.  I became so enthralled with this new experience, I surrendered my journey for my Tower.  As of right now, I am lost within my own choices and finding solace in whatever can pull me out of my current state of mind. Regretting the choices I made while still enjoying the times shared.  But in any case, I am hurt and brought back once again to the unresolved question: to love or be a writer?

Susan or the Tower?  Lady or the Tiger? I am trying to come to terms with understanding this ultimatum in my life.  If I put my mind to one facet of this choice to my destiny, great things can be accomplished.  Thankfully, I know I have my own ka -tet nearby.