The Past 13 Days.

I’m sure most of you are wondering what the hell is going on with me. Over the past three days, I have received numerous phone calls and voicemails from so many of my close friends that have done nothing but raise their pom-poms and cheer me on. I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers and your support within these past couple of days. However, I feel that most of you are in the dark as to what is going on with my life.

I feel I must warn you all, because what you are about to read is pretty gross –in my opinion that is—but I am a writer, and my job as a writer is to expose myself and be honest. So please take the discretion before continuing:

February 6 2010. Second day back at work. Everything was going all right. I was back in Escondido working at Barnes and Noble while applying to several jobs around San Diego in hopes to make amends in so many different areas of my life.

Emotionally and mentally I am fine. However physically, I was feeling crampy/sore in one specific area. Like someone kneed me to the groin and the pain is still residing. I figured I might have slept in an awkward position last night and it resulted in my discomfort. So I ignored it. However, it continued all throughout the rest of the day. It was my first date with a guy that I am currently seeing.

The next day, the pain was still there. I felt like I was not getting enough sleep and I needed a full night’s rest as opposed to my four hour sleep I had the night before. So on Sunday, two days later, I had work and was walking around totally normal. I was trying to ignore the pain because I knew that it was going to go away. Unfortunately, by the end of my six hour shift, I could barely walk and every movement felt like I was carrying a cement weight in between my legs.

Monday was my day off and I laid on the couch, beyond pain and taking drugs to dull whatever pain that is still lingering. At this point, I was starting to get very worried. I had figured it was probably a hernia.

I called a medical assistance program and arranged an appointment after yelling at them that my condition was not fit for waiting a month for treatment. They had tried setting me up for an appointment for March 11th, and there was no way I was going to wait in pain that long.

I sat in the CMS appointment and gave them the information that they had requested. Overall, CMS is comprised of women that are post-menopausal and taking it out on everyone that sits behind the double-plated glass. Sure, their job is to qualify you, but no need to take your anger or your bad day on me.

February 10th
It was when the pain went away that the real fear started to envelop me. While showering, I did my routine check on my “bits and pieces,” it was very sensitive to the touch and felt like it was swelling. When the pain was almost completely gone, I did it again and noticed something odd. There was a growth behind one of my testicles and it was not attached to the actual testicle itself.

I had arranged for a doctors appointment. He signed me up for an ultrasound so that he could find out if the growth I had developed was a cyst or if it was solid. If it was a cyst, they would give me antibiotics and it would go away; however, if it had turned out to be a solid. It could become cancerous.

Having someone tell you that your condition could be cancer is something that stays in the back your head. I had work after my doctor’s appointment, and it took me a while to recover from that hard blow. Some of the regulars that come into the store were starting to become very concerned with my well-being, but I told them I was going to be fine.

Ultrasound. Awkward, but having the warm jelly on me was enough to put me to sleep.
While I was laying there, with my legs hovering over the cold table, I felt a sudden form of peace. Now I know some of my friends are agnostic, or deist, or an atheist (and I am totally okay with that); but the only way I can describe this peace was a form was spiritual, like God himself whispered in my ear saying that everything was going to be okay and everything involving my insurance and needs were going to be taken care of. The only thing I had to do was have faith. I know that sounds very cheesy and sounding like something I may have stolen from 7th Heaven, but sometimes it’s in times of extreme crisis do I get a solution to my problem.

The one thing that is keeping me through this is by admiring characters from my shows/movies. When I was first diagnosed, I became Evita dying of ovarian cancer. Right now, I feel like God is preparing me for something big, almost like Olivia Dunham in Fringe is preparing for a battle between two alternate universes. It seems that the amount of stress I am experiencing me now is preparing me something involving the entertainment industry. Keeping them in mind helps me know that if Olivia Dunham can solve the mystery with being tested for cortexiphran, then I can for sure handle this. If I can handle the stress that is currently in my life, then the rest is going to be cake. So keeping that in mind makes enduring this task worth it, in a sense.

The doctor gave me a call yesterday, telling me that my condition is not a cyst, but something solid that needs to be removed immediately or it could become cancerous. But they need to do a biopsy to remove it or I could die. I told them that I have no means of paying for this and I am currently qualifying for medical assistance. In reply, he told me that he could talk to a doctor at the neighborhood clinic that could see me and he could help me out.

I felt fine. I was able to go to work and joke around with my regulars, put decaf coffee in those that mess with “the help,” and help cook dinner for my family while grading my sister’s math homework and work on the budget for a film I'm producing. I was able to feel like it was just another setback.

So now, you see how confident I feel that everything is going to be all right. I hope this helps put you at ease. But, I am a force to be reckoned with. I will only prove you wrong. If I could do it when I was a baby, when the doctors told me I would never be able to run, then I can definitely do this now. Shit, I am the Captain after all…